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If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?

If you’re too open-minded; your brains will fall out.

Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines?

She had a boyfriend with a wooden leg, but broke it off.

Is it true that cannibals don’t eat clowns because they taste funny.

Why is it that to stop Windows 98, you have to click on “Start”?

Only in America… can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.

One nice thing about egotists: they don’t talk about other people.

The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.

A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.

Why does your gynecologist leave the room when you get undressed?

When an actress saw her first strands of gray hair she thought she’d dye.

Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?

The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

Is French kissing in France just called kissing?

Marathon runners with bad footwear suffer the agony of defeat.

Sea captains don’t like crew cuts.

When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds.

I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, “Where’s the self-help section?” She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.

Definition of a will? – a dead giveaway

Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.

Why is it called tourist season if we can’t shoot at them?

If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest drown, too?

Santa’s helpers are subordinate clauses.

If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?

I used to work in a blanket factory, but it folded.

What do people in China call their good plates?

The best way to do housework is to sweep the room with a glance.

Marriage changes passion…suddenly you’re in bed with a relative.

Only in America… do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.

When everything is coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane.

How come you can see the stars from the Earth, but you can’t see them when you’re in space?

Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.

A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says: “A beer please, and one for the road.”

Once you’ve seen one shopping center you’ve seen a mall.

When dog food is new and improved tasting, who tests it?

I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.

I intend to live forever – so far, so good.

Why does mineral water that ‘has trickled through mountains for centuries’ have a ‘use by’ date?

What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?

In democracy it’s your vote that counts. In feudalism it’s your count that votes.

If a man is standing in the middle of the forest speaking and there is no woman around to hear him… is he still wrong?

A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.

I am a nobody, and nobody is perfect; therefore I am perfect.

Alarms: What an octopus is.

A backwards poet writes inverse.

I married my wife for her looks…but not the ones she’s been giving me lately!

All those who believe in psychokinesis, raise my hand.

Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?

Would a fly without wings be called a walk?

Why is “abbreviated” such a long word?

Why does the sun lighten our hair, but darkens our skin?

If carrots are so good for the eyes, how come I see so many dead rabbits on the highway?

What was the best thing before sliced bread?

Every calendar’s days are numbered.

99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?

Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft and I’ll show you A-flat minor.

How do they get the deer to cross at that yellow road sign?

Half the people you know are below average.

Hard work pays off in the future, laziness pays off now.

Two peanuts walked into a bar. One was a salted.

Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian, any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.

Only in America… do we use the word ‘politics’ to describe the process so well: ‘Poli’ in Latin meaning ‘many’ and ‘tics’ meaning ‘bloodsucking creatures’

A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.

If you want the rainbow, you gotta put up with the rain.

Condoms should be used on every conceivable occasion.

How is it possible to have a civil war?

Why don’t sheep shrink when it rains?

He often broke into song because he couldn’t find the key.

Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?

One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.

Why can’t women put mascara on with their mouth closed?

Where are we going? And what’s with this hand basket?

Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

Why is it that doctors call what they do “practice”?

Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?

Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.

Those who jump off a Paris bridge are in Seine.

If a parsley farmer is sued, do they garnish his wages?

How do you tell when you’re out of invisible ink?

Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.

Don’t sweat the petty things and don’t pet the sweaty things.

If you don’t pay your exorcist you get repossessed.

Reading whilst sunbathing makes you well-red.

If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.

Why do they lock gas station bathrooms?? Are they afraid someone will clean them?

Why are they called stairs inside but steps outside?

The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.

Only in America… are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink.

Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?

42.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.

What if there were no hypothetical questions?

If a deaf person swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?

OK, so what’s the speed of dark?

Banning the bra was a big flop.

Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?

Only in America… do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.

If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?

Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?

Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.

When you dream in color, is it a pigment of your imagination?

He had a photographic memory that was never developed.

I got a sweater for Christmas…I wanted a screamer or a moaner.

Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?

A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

A bicycle can’t stand on its own because it is two-tired.

Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?

Dancing cheek-to-cheek is really a form of floor play.

Local Area Network in Australia: the LAN down under.

You feel stuck with your debt if you can’t budge it.

If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?

Only in America… do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.

Why isn’t the whole airplane made out of the stuff the black box is made from?

If croutons are stale bread, why do they come in airtight packages?

Acupuncture is a jab well done.

Everyday I beat my own previous record for number of consecutive days I’ve stayed alive.

Borrow money from pessimists – they don’t expect it back.

The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.

Where do forest rangers go to “get away from it all?”

Why don’t you ever see the headline “Psychic Wins Lottery”?

Is there another word for synonym?

Why are hemorrhoids called “hemorrhoids” instead of “assteroids”?

A plateau is a high form of flattery.

Why is it called Alcoholics Anonymous when the first thing you do is stand up and say, ‘My name is Bob, and I am an alcoholic?’

Only in America… do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won’t miss a call from someone we didn’t want to talk to in the first place.

Only in America… do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.

Welcome To S**t Creek ~ Sorry, We’re Out of Paddles!

A hangover is the wrath of grapes.

Does the Little Mermaid wear an algebra?

Why isn’t there mouse-flavored cat food?

Isn’t it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do “practice”?

Why didn’t Noah swat those two mosquitoes?

If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?

If you mated a bulldog and a shitsu, would it be called a bulls**t?

Can you sentence a homeless man to house arrest?

Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?

A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.

With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.

Why are they called “stands” when they are made for sitting?

Sign In Chinese Pet Store: “Buy one dog, get one flea…”

If a turtle doesn’t have a shell, is he homeless or naked?

I’d kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.

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