How do you tell when you’re out of invisible ink?
Why is it that to stop Windows 98, you have to click on “Start”?
Why can’t women put mascara on with their mouth closed?
Why don’t you ever see the headline “Psychic Wins Lottery”?
A bicycle can’t stand on its own because it is two-tired.
How come you can see the stars from the Earth, but you can’t see them when you’re in space?
Why does your gynecologist leave the room when you get undressed?
Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
What do people in China call their good plates?
A plateau is a high form of flattery.
If a turtle doesn’t have a shell, is he homeless or naked?
Why isn’t there mouse-flavored cat food?
Why is it called Alcoholics Anonymous when the first thing you do is stand up and say, ‘My name is Bob, and I am an alcoholic?’
If croutons are stale bread, why do they come in airtight packages?
Is French kissing in France just called kissing?
I intend to live forever – so far, so good.
Why is it that doctors call what they do “practice”?
Would a fly without wings be called a walk?
Everyday I beat my own previous record for number of consecutive days I’ve stayed alive.
One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.
The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.
Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian, any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.
When dog food is new and improved tasting, who tests it?
If you mated a bulldog and a shitsu, would it be called a bulls**t?
I married my wife for her looks…but not the ones she’s been giving me lately!
Hard work pays off in the future, laziness pays off now.
What if there were no hypothetical questions?
When an actress saw her first strands of gray hair she thought she’d dye.
Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?
Alarms: What an octopus is.
If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?
Where are we going? And what’s with this hand basket?
Why are hemorrhoids called “hemorrhoids” instead of “assteroids”?
Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
Marathon runners with bad footwear suffer the agony of defeat.
Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft and I’ll show you A-flat minor.
Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?
Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.
Why does the sun lighten our hair, but darkens our skin?
Can you sentence a homeless man to house arrest?
Santa’s helpers are subordinate clauses.
A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
Borrow money from pessimists – they don’t expect it back.
The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?
Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.
Only in America… can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.
I’d kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.
Banning the bra was a big flop.
Where do forest rangers go to “get away from it all?”
He often broke into song because he couldn’t find the key.
Every calendar’s days are numbered.
Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines?
Those who jump off a Paris bridge are in Seine.
42.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.
Does the Little Mermaid wear an algebra?
With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.
How do they get the deer to cross at that yellow road sign?
The best way to do housework is to sweep the room with a glance.
Sign In Chinese Pet Store: “Buy one dog, get one flea…”
What was the best thing before sliced bread?
If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.
She had a boyfriend with a wooden leg, but broke it off.
If a deaf person swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?
He had a photographic memory that was never developed.
When everything is coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane.
If a man is standing in the middle of the forest speaking and there is no woman around to hear him… is he still wrong?
A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says: “A beer please, and one for the road.”
Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?
All those who believe in psychokinesis, raise my hand.
Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?
Only in America… do we use the word ‘politics’ to describe the process so well: ‘Poli’ in Latin meaning ‘many’ and ‘tics’ meaning ‘bloodsucking creatures’
If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?
A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.
Marriage changes passion…suddenly you’re in bed with a relative.
Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.
Why do they lock gas station bathrooms?? Are they afraid someone will clean them?
Why are they called stairs inside but steps outside?
I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, “Where’s the self-help section?” She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
Isn’t it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do “practice”?
Half the people you know are below average.
If you’re too open-minded; your brains will fall out.
You feel stuck with your debt if you can’t budge it.
In democracy it’s your vote that counts. In feudalism it’s your count that votes.
Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.
Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?
When you dream in color, is it a pigment of your imagination?
Why are they called “stands” when they are made for sitting?
Only in America… do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.
I got a sweater for Christmas…I wanted a screamer or a moaner.
Definition of a will? – a dead giveaway
Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?
Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?
If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?
A backwards poet writes inverse.
Local Area Network in Australia: the LAN down under.
Condoms should be used on every conceivable occasion.
Why don’t sheep shrink when it rains?
If a parsley farmer is sued, do they garnish his wages?
A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.
The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.
I am a nobody, and nobody is perfect; therefore I am perfect.
Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?
Why is “abbreviated” such a long word?
If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest drown, too?
Is there another word for synonym?
Only in America… do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.
I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.
If you want the rainbow, you gotta put up with the rain.
One nice thing about egotists: they don’t talk about other people.
I used to work in a blanket factory, but it folded.
Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?
A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
Why didn’t Noah swat those two mosquitoes?
Why isn’t the whole airplane made out of the stuff the black box is made from?
Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?
99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.
Sea captains don’t like crew cuts.
Acupuncture is a jab well done.
Is it true that cannibals don’t eat clowns because they taste funny.
Why is it called tourist season if we can’t shoot at them?
Don’t sweat the petty things and don’t pet the sweaty things.
Only in America… do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.
Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?
Once you’ve seen one shopping center you’ve seen a mall.
Only in America… are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink.
Only in America… do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.
How is it possible to have a civil war?
Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
Only in America… do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won’t miss a call from someone we didn’t want to talk to in the first place.
Reading whilst sunbathing makes you well-red.
Two peanuts walked into a bar. One was a salted.
Dancing cheek-to-cheek is really a form of floor play.
The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.
When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds.
Why does mineral water that ‘has trickled through mountains for centuries’ have a ‘use by’ date?
OK, so what’s the speed of dark?
If carrots are so good for the eyes, how come I see so many dead rabbits on the highway?
If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?
Welcome To S**t Creek ~ Sorry, We’re Out of Paddles!
A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
If you don’t pay your exorcist you get repossessed.
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