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Why does the sun lighten our hair, but darkens our skin?

I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, “Where’s the self-help section?” She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.

Why does your gynecologist leave the room when you get undressed?

When you dream in color, is it a pigment of your imagination?

The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.

I am a nobody, and nobody is perfect; therefore I am perfect.

OK, so what’s the speed of dark?

Two peanuts walked into a bar. One was a salted.

Why are hemorrhoids called “hemorrhoids” instead of “assteroids”?

Marriage changes passion…suddenly you’re in bed with a relative.

If a parsley farmer is sued, do they garnish his wages?

If a man is standing in the middle of the forest speaking and there is no woman around to hear him… is he still wrong?

I married my wife for her looks…but not the ones she’s been giving me lately!

When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds.

He often broke into song because he couldn’t find the key.

Borrow money from pessimists – they don’t expect it back.

How is it possible to have a civil war?

Why do they lock gas station bathrooms?? Are they afraid someone will clean them?

Only in America… do we use the word ‘politics’ to describe the process so well: ‘Poli’ in Latin meaning ‘many’ and ‘tics’ meaning ‘bloodsucking creatures’

A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.

Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?

What if there were no hypothetical questions?

If carrots are so good for the eyes, how come I see so many dead rabbits on the highway?

Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?

Once you’ve seen one shopping center you’ve seen a mall.

A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.

Why don’t you ever see the headline “Psychic Wins Lottery”?

I got a sweater for Christmas…I wanted a screamer or a moaner.

What was the best thing before sliced bread?

Why are they called stairs inside but steps outside?

Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?

If you want the rainbow, you gotta put up with the rain.

Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

If you don’t pay your exorcist you get repossessed.

Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?

Why is it called Alcoholics Anonymous when the first thing you do is stand up and say, ‘My name is Bob, and I am an alcoholic?’

Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?

I’d kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.

Sign In Chinese Pet Store: “Buy one dog, get one flea…”

The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

Condoms should be used on every conceivable occasion.

Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?

Local Area Network in Australia: the LAN down under.

When everything is coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane.

Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?

Those who jump off a Paris bridge are in Seine.

Why is “abbreviated” such a long word?

Acupuncture is a jab well done.

I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.

Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.

When dog food is new and improved tasting, who tests it?

If a deaf person swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?

You feel stuck with your debt if you can’t budge it.

Reading whilst sunbathing makes you well-red.

I intend to live forever – so far, so good.

How do you tell when you’re out of invisible ink?

Half the people you know are below average.

Would a fly without wings be called a walk?

Why isn’t the whole airplane made out of the stuff the black box is made from?

If a turtle doesn’t have a shell, is he homeless or naked?

Banning the bra was a big flop.

If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest drown, too?

A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.

Can you sentence a homeless man to house arrest?

Does the Little Mermaid wear an algebra?

If you’re too open-minded; your brains will fall out.

Why isn’t there mouse-flavored cat food?

One nice thing about egotists: they don’t talk about other people.

A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says: “A beer please, and one for the road.”

Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.

Every calendar’s days are numbered.

Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?

Why can’t women put mascara on with their mouth closed?

If croutons are stale bread, why do they come in airtight packages?

Why don’t sheep shrink when it rains?

The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.

Welcome To S**t Creek ~ Sorry, We’re Out of Paddles!

Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.

With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.

A plateau is a high form of flattery.

Why didn’t Noah swat those two mosquitoes?

If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?

Dancing cheek-to-cheek is really a form of floor play.

Only in America… do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.

Hard work pays off in the future, laziness pays off now.

I used to work in a blanket factory, but it folded.

What do people in China call their good plates?

Why is it that doctors call what they do “practice”?

Isn’t it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do “practice”?

42.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.

One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.

Why are they called “stands” when they are made for sitting?

Is it true that cannibals don’t eat clowns because they taste funny.

Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?

A backwards poet writes inverse.

Santa’s helpers are subordinate clauses.

He had a photographic memory that was never developed.

All those who believe in psychokinesis, raise my hand.

Why is it that to stop Windows 98, you have to click on “Start”?

Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines?

If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?

When an actress saw her first strands of gray hair she thought she’d dye.

If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?

Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.

Don’t sweat the petty things and don’t pet the sweaty things.

What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?

A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.

Only in America… are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink.

Why does mineral water that ‘has trickled through mountains for centuries’ have a ‘use by’ date?

The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.

Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.

How do they get the deer to cross at that yellow road sign?

99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

Only in America… do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.

Where do forest rangers go to “get away from it all?”

Only in America… can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.

How come you can see the stars from the Earth, but you can’t see them when you’re in space?

Everyday I beat my own previous record for number of consecutive days I’ve stayed alive.

Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

Marathon runners with bad footwear suffer the agony of defeat.

Sea captains don’t like crew cuts.

Only in America… do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.

Why is it called tourist season if we can’t shoot at them?

If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?

Definition of a will? – a dead giveaway

Only in America… do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won’t miss a call from someone we didn’t want to talk to in the first place.

A bicycle can’t stand on its own because it is two-tired.

A hangover is the wrath of grapes.

Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?

If you mated a bulldog and a shitsu, would it be called a bulls**t?

The best way to do housework is to sweep the room with a glance.

Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?

If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.

Alarms: What an octopus is.

Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian, any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.

Where are we going? And what’s with this hand basket?

In democracy it’s your vote that counts. In feudalism it’s your count that votes.

If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?

Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft and I’ll show you A-flat minor.

Only in America… do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.

She had a boyfriend with a wooden leg, but broke it off.

Is there another word for synonym?

Is French kissing in France just called kissing?

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