How is it possible to have a civil war?
Why are they called “stands” when they are made for sitting?
If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?
Why isn’t there mouse-flavored cat food?
Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?
When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds.
Why does your gynecologist leave the room when you get undressed?
If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?
A backwards poet writes inverse.
In democracy it’s your vote that counts. In feudalism it’s your count that votes.
Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?
The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.
Only in America… are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink.
When you dream in color, is it a pigment of your imagination?
One nice thing about egotists: they don’t talk about other people.
42.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.
If a man is standing in the middle of the forest speaking and there is no woman around to hear him… is he still wrong?
When everything is coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane.
He had a photographic memory that was never developed.
Only in America… do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won’t miss a call from someone we didn’t want to talk to in the first place.
Why is it that doctors call what they do “practice”?
Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?
A bicycle can’t stand on its own because it is two-tired.
If a deaf person swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?
Is French kissing in France just called kissing?
Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.
He often broke into song because he couldn’t find the key.
Borrow money from pessimists – they don’t expect it back.
Only in America… do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.
Every calendar’s days are numbered.
Local Area Network in Australia: the LAN down under.
What do people in China call their good plates?
If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?
A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.
Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian, any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.
Why do they lock gas station bathrooms?? Are they afraid someone will clean them?
Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.
Is there another word for synonym?
If you want the rainbow, you gotta put up with the rain.
Only in America… do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.
Is it true that cannibals don’t eat clowns because they taste funny.
Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
Why is “abbreviated” such a long word?
Hard work pays off in the future, laziness pays off now.
If carrots are so good for the eyes, how come I see so many dead rabbits on the highway?
Where do forest rangers go to “get away from it all?”
If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?
Only in America… do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.
Acupuncture is a jab well done.
Why are they called stairs inside but steps outside?
Marriage changes passion…suddenly you’re in bed with a relative.
OK, so what’s the speed of dark?
Where are we going? And what’s with this hand basket?
A plateau is a high form of flattery.
She had a boyfriend with a wooden leg, but broke it off.
Marathon runners with bad footwear suffer the agony of defeat.
One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.
Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines?
Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?
Santa’s helpers are subordinate clauses.
Why are hemorrhoids called “hemorrhoids” instead of “assteroids”?
The best way to do housework is to sweep the room with a glance.
How do you tell when you’re out of invisible ink?
If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.
Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
Why does mineral water that ‘has trickled through mountains for centuries’ have a ‘use by’ date?
Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?
I intend to live forever – so far, so good.
Why is it that to stop Windows 98, you have to click on “Start”?
You feel stuck with your debt if you can’t budge it.
I am a nobody, and nobody is perfect; therefore I am perfect.
I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, “Where’s the self-help section?” She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
Why does the sun lighten our hair, but darkens our skin?
The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
Banning the bra was a big flop.
How come you can see the stars from the Earth, but you can’t see them when you’re in space?
Reading whilst sunbathing makes you well-red.
Why didn’t Noah swat those two mosquitoes?
Dancing cheek-to-cheek is really a form of floor play.
When dog food is new and improved tasting, who tests it?
I married my wife for her looks…but not the ones she’s been giving me lately!
A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.
Two peanuts walked into a bar. One was a salted.
If a turtle doesn’t have a shell, is he homeless or naked?
Only in America… do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.
Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.
If a parsley farmer is sued, do they garnish his wages?
Everyday I beat my own previous record for number of consecutive days I’ve stayed alive.
When an actress saw her first strands of gray hair she thought she’d dye.
With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.
How do they get the deer to cross at that yellow road sign?
Welcome To S**t Creek ~ Sorry, We’re Out of Paddles!
A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.
99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
All those who believe in psychokinesis, raise my hand.
If croutons are stale bread, why do they come in airtight packages?
I used to work in a blanket factory, but it folded.
Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.
Sea captains don’t like crew cuts.
If you mated a bulldog and a shitsu, would it be called a bulls**t?
Why is it called tourist season if we can’t shoot at them?
If you don’t pay your exorcist you get repossessed.
The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.
Why is it called Alcoholics Anonymous when the first thing you do is stand up and say, ‘My name is Bob, and I am an alcoholic?’
Does the Little Mermaid wear an algebra?
Condoms should be used on every conceivable occasion.
A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
Would a fly without wings be called a walk?
Alarms: What an octopus is.
A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says: “A beer please, and one for the road.”
Can you sentence a homeless man to house arrest?
Don’t sweat the petty things and don’t pet the sweaty things.
What was the best thing before sliced bread?
Sign In Chinese Pet Store: “Buy one dog, get one flea…”
Why can’t women put mascara on with their mouth closed?
Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?
If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?
Only in America… do we use the word ‘politics’ to describe the process so well: ‘Poli’ in Latin meaning ‘many’ and ‘tics’ meaning ‘bloodsucking creatures’
If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest drown, too?
A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?
Half the people you know are below average.
The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.
Isn’t it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do “practice”?
Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?
I’d kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.
Once you’ve seen one shopping center you’ve seen a mall.
I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.
Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?
Why isn’t the whole airplane made out of the stuff the black box is made from?
Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
I got a sweater for Christmas…I wanted a screamer or a moaner.
Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?
Why don’t sheep shrink when it rains?
Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft and I’ll show you A-flat minor.
Definition of a will? – a dead giveaway
Those who jump off a Paris bridge are in Seine.
Why don’t you ever see the headline “Psychic Wins Lottery”?
What if there were no hypothetical questions?
A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
Only in America… can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.
Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?
If you’re too open-minded; your brains will fall out.
Select what you want to see from the menu below.
Click on the foremost image to enlarge or to see more information.