What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?
Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.
If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?
You feel stuck with your debt if you can’t budge it.
If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?
If you’re too open-minded; your brains will fall out.
Why are hemorrhoids called “hemorrhoids” instead of “assteroids”?
Only in America… do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.
Borrow money from pessimists – they don’t expect it back.
Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?
Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?
Marriage changes passion…suddenly you’re in bed with a relative.
What do people in China call their good plates?
The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.
Why are they called stairs inside but steps outside?
If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?
Would a fly without wings be called a walk?
If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?
I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, “Where’s the self-help section?” She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
Why does the sun lighten our hair, but darkens our skin?
Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
Half the people you know are below average.
Why are they called “stands” when they are made for sitting?
I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.
Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft and I’ll show you A-flat minor.
Marathon runners with bad footwear suffer the agony of defeat.
How do they get the deer to cross at that yellow road sign?
When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds.
Why don’t you ever see the headline “Psychic Wins Lottery”?
Definition of a will? – a dead giveaway
Why is it that to stop Windows 98, you have to click on “Start”?
Where are we going? And what’s with this hand basket?
One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.
When an actress saw her first strands of gray hair she thought she’d dye.
Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.
I got a sweater for Christmas…I wanted a screamer or a moaner.
Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?
Every calendar’s days are numbered.
Why does your gynecologist leave the room when you get undressed?
I intend to live forever – so far, so good.
A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.
If a deaf person swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?
Once you’ve seen one shopping center you’ve seen a mall.
One nice thing about egotists: they don’t talk about other people.
When everything is coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane.
If you want the rainbow, you gotta put up with the rain.
How do you tell when you’re out of invisible ink?
Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
I am a nobody, and nobody is perfect; therefore I am perfect.
Why is “abbreviated” such a long word?
If a turtle doesn’t have a shell, is he homeless or naked?
Sea captains don’t like crew cuts.
How is it possible to have a civil war?
He often broke into song because he couldn’t find the key.
Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?
If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest drown, too?
Dancing cheek-to-cheek is really a form of floor play.
With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.
The best way to do housework is to sweep the room with a glance.
OK, so what’s the speed of dark?
Reading whilst sunbathing makes you well-red.
Is it true that cannibals don’t eat clowns because they taste funny.
Isn’t it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do “practice”?
42.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.
If a man is standing in the middle of the forest speaking and there is no woman around to hear him… is he still wrong?
If a parsley farmer is sued, do they garnish his wages?
The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.
Why does mineral water that ‘has trickled through mountains for centuries’ have a ‘use by’ date?
Only in America… do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.
Local Area Network in Australia: the LAN down under.
Only in America… do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won’t miss a call from someone we didn’t want to talk to in the first place.
Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
Why is it called Alcoholics Anonymous when the first thing you do is stand up and say, ‘My name is Bob, and I am an alcoholic?’
When you dream in color, is it a pigment of your imagination?
Those who jump off a Paris bridge are in Seine.
A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
When dog food is new and improved tasting, who tests it?
Why isn’t the whole airplane made out of the stuff the black box is made from?
Welcome To S**t Creek ~ Sorry, We’re Out of Paddles!
A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.
Only in America… do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.
Is French kissing in France just called kissing?
Sign In Chinese Pet Store: “Buy one dog, get one flea…”
A bicycle can’t stand on its own because it is two-tired.
What was the best thing before sliced bread?
I used to work in a blanket factory, but it folded.
Is there another word for synonym?
Does the Little Mermaid wear an algebra?
Where do forest rangers go to “get away from it all?”
If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?
She had a boyfriend with a wooden leg, but broke it off.
Why do they lock gas station bathrooms?? Are they afraid someone will clean them?
If carrots are so good for the eyes, how come I see so many dead rabbits on the highway?
Why is it called tourist season if we can’t shoot at them?
The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.
Don’t sweat the petty things and don’t pet the sweaty things.
Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?
Can you sentence a homeless man to house arrest?
Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?
Santa’s helpers are subordinate clauses.
Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?
Condoms should be used on every conceivable occasion.
A plateau is a high form of flattery.
I married my wife for her looks…but not the ones she’s been giving me lately!
If you don’t pay your exorcist you get repossessed.
What if there were no hypothetical questions?
Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?
A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.
Two peanuts walked into a bar. One was a salted.
Why is it that doctors call what they do “practice”?
In democracy it’s your vote that counts. In feudalism it’s your count that votes.
A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
How come you can see the stars from the Earth, but you can’t see them when you’re in space?
Why didn’t Noah swat those two mosquitoes?
He had a photographic memory that was never developed.
Banning the bra was a big flop.
If you mated a bulldog and a shitsu, would it be called a bulls**t?
I’d kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.
Why isn’t there mouse-flavored cat food?
A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.
Everyday I beat my own previous record for number of consecutive days I’ve stayed alive.
Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines?
Only in America… are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink.
Acupuncture is a jab well done.
A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says: “A beer please, and one for the road.”
All those who believe in psychokinesis, raise my hand.
Only in America… do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.
Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
Alarms: What an octopus is.
Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?
Why don’t sheep shrink when it rains?
Only in America… do we use the word ‘politics’ to describe the process so well: ‘Poli’ in Latin meaning ‘many’ and ‘tics’ meaning ‘bloodsucking creatures’
Only in America… can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.
Hard work pays off in the future, laziness pays off now.
If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.
A backwards poet writes inverse.
Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?
Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.
Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian, any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.
Why can’t women put mascara on with their mouth closed?
If croutons are stale bread, why do they come in airtight packages?
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