Welcome To S**t Creek ~ Sorry, We’re Out of Paddles!
Only in America… are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink.
If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?
If you don’t pay your exorcist you get repossessed.
Only in America… do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.
How is it possible to have a civil war?
If you want the rainbow, you gotta put up with the rain.
All those who believe in psychokinesis, raise my hand.
Where do forest rangers go to “get away from it all?”
Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.
A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
Only in America… do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won’t miss a call from someone we didn’t want to talk to in the first place.
Why are hemorrhoids called “hemorrhoids” instead of “assteroids”?
When an actress saw her first strands of gray hair she thought she’d dye.
Why isn’t the whole airplane made out of the stuff the black box is made from?
Why does mineral water that ‘has trickled through mountains for centuries’ have a ‘use by’ date?
With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.
Only in America… do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.
A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.
Is there another word for synonym?
What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?
99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?
Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?
When everything is coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane.
Hard work pays off in the future, laziness pays off now.
Why is “abbreviated” such a long word?
I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.
Banning the bra was a big flop.
Why does the sun lighten our hair, but darkens our skin?
Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
Only in America… do we use the word ‘politics’ to describe the process so well: ‘Poli’ in Latin meaning ‘many’ and ‘tics’ meaning ‘bloodsucking creatures’
Does the Little Mermaid wear an algebra?
Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian, any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.
A bicycle can’t stand on its own because it is two-tired.
Everyday I beat my own previous record for number of consecutive days I’ve stayed alive.
Definition of a will? – a dead giveaway
A plateau is a high form of flattery.
If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?
I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, “Where’s the self-help section?” She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft and I’ll show you A-flat minor.
If a deaf person swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?
Borrow money from pessimists – they don’t expect it back.
Why is it that to stop Windows 98, you have to click on “Start”?
When dog food is new and improved tasting, who tests it?
A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
Sea captains don’t like crew cuts.
Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?
If a parsley farmer is sued, do they garnish his wages?
I’d kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.
Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.
He had a photographic memory that was never developed.
Reading whilst sunbathing makes you well-red.
Once you’ve seen one shopping center you’ve seen a mall.
Why are they called stairs inside but steps outside?
The best way to do housework is to sweep the room with a glance.
Sign In Chinese Pet Store: “Buy one dog, get one flea…”
A backwards poet writes inverse.
I used to work in a blanket factory, but it folded.
I intend to live forever – so far, so good.
Is French kissing in France just called kissing?
You feel stuck with your debt if you can’t budge it.
Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?
When you dream in color, is it a pigment of your imagination?
If a man is standing in the middle of the forest speaking and there is no woman around to hear him… is he still wrong?
Those who jump off a Paris bridge are in Seine.
Local Area Network in Australia: the LAN down under.
Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?
What was the best thing before sliced bread?
Can you sentence a homeless man to house arrest?
Why is it called Alcoholics Anonymous when the first thing you do is stand up and say, ‘My name is Bob, and I am an alcoholic?’
Why isn’t there mouse-flavored cat food?
Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?
Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines?
If carrots are so good for the eyes, how come I see so many dead rabbits on the highway?
The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.
If you mated a bulldog and a shitsu, would it be called a bulls**t?
Half the people you know are below average.
Where are we going? And what’s with this hand basket?
Alarms: What an octopus is.
Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?
One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.
I got a sweater for Christmas…I wanted a screamer or a moaner.
Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?
Why don’t sheep shrink when it rains?
When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds.
Marathon runners with bad footwear suffer the agony of defeat.
If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?
Don’t sweat the petty things and don’t pet the sweaty things.
A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
How do they get the deer to cross at that yellow road sign?
How come you can see the stars from the Earth, but you can’t see them when you’re in space?
Isn’t it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do “practice”?
Why can’t women put mascara on with their mouth closed?
I am a nobody, and nobody is perfect; therefore I am perfect.
If you’re too open-minded; your brains will fall out.
Would a fly without wings be called a walk?
What if there were no hypothetical questions?
42.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.
Why do they lock gas station bathrooms?? Are they afraid someone will clean them?
Marriage changes passion…suddenly you’re in bed with a relative.
A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.
Is it true that cannibals don’t eat clowns because they taste funny.
Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.
She had a boyfriend with a wooden leg, but broke it off.
Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.
Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?
Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?
Every calendar’s days are numbered.
Only in America… do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.
A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.
Why is it called tourist season if we can’t shoot at them?
One nice thing about egotists: they don’t talk about other people.
What do people in China call their good plates?
Two peanuts walked into a bar. One was a salted.
The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.
The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.
If a turtle doesn’t have a shell, is he homeless or naked?
Only in America… can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.
If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?
Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?
Why didn’t Noah swat those two mosquitoes?
If croutons are stale bread, why do they come in airtight packages?
OK, so what’s the speed of dark?
Why are they called “stands” when they are made for sitting?
Acupuncture is a jab well done.
In democracy it’s your vote that counts. In feudalism it’s your count that votes.
He often broke into song because he couldn’t find the key.
How do you tell when you’re out of invisible ink?
Santa’s helpers are subordinate clauses.
Dancing cheek-to-cheek is really a form of floor play.
Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
Only in America… do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.
If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest drown, too?
A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says: “A beer please, and one for the road.”
Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.
Why is it that doctors call what they do “practice”?
Why don’t you ever see the headline “Psychic Wins Lottery”?
I married my wife for her looks…but not the ones she’s been giving me lately!
Why does your gynecologist leave the room when you get undressed?
The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
Condoms should be used on every conceivable occasion.
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