Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?
Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.
Isn’t it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do “practice”?
If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest drown, too?
If you don’t pay your exorcist you get repossessed.
Where are we going? And what’s with this hand basket?
Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?
Is there another word for synonym?
Why is it called tourist season if we can’t shoot at them?
One nice thing about egotists: they don’t talk about other people.
Why isn’t the whole airplane made out of the stuff the black box is made from?
Why is “abbreviated” such a long word?
A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.
Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?
If carrots are so good for the eyes, how come I see so many dead rabbits on the highway?
Where do forest rangers go to “get away from it all?”
When an actress saw her first strands of gray hair she thought she’d dye.
One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.
If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?
42.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.
When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds.
Why didn’t Noah swat those two mosquitoes?
If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?
Why don’t sheep shrink when it rains?
Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft and I’ll show you A-flat minor.
If you’re too open-minded; your brains will fall out.
Only in America… do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.
Local Area Network in Australia: the LAN down under.
If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?
How is it possible to have a civil war?
Why do they lock gas station bathrooms?? Are they afraid someone will clean them?
Why are they called stairs inside but steps outside?
Why is it called Alcoholics Anonymous when the first thing you do is stand up and say, ‘My name is Bob, and I am an alcoholic?’
Hard work pays off in the future, laziness pays off now.
The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.
Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
Is French kissing in France just called kissing?
If a parsley farmer is sued, do they garnish his wages?
Why is it that doctors call what they do “practice”?
I’d kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.
When dog food is new and improved tasting, who tests it?
Only in America… are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink.
Sign In Chinese Pet Store: “Buy one dog, get one flea…”
Everyday I beat my own previous record for number of consecutive days I’ve stayed alive.
Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?
When everything is coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane.
Don’t sweat the petty things and don’t pet the sweaty things.
Why does your gynecologist leave the room when you get undressed?
OK, so what’s the speed of dark?
Banning the bra was a big flop.
If croutons are stale bread, why do they come in airtight packages?
I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.
The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
A backwards poet writes inverse.
Every calendar’s days are numbered.
Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?
Definition of a will? – a dead giveaway
Does the Little Mermaid wear an algebra?
Only in America… do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.
I got a sweater for Christmas…I wanted a screamer or a moaner.
With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.
The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.
If you mated a bulldog and a shitsu, would it be called a bulls**t?
Borrow money from pessimists – they don’t expect it back.
Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?
A bicycle can’t stand on its own because it is two-tired.
A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.
I intend to live forever – so far, so good.
If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.
All those who believe in psychokinesis, raise my hand.
Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.
Why don’t you ever see the headline “Psychic Wins Lottery”?
When you dream in color, is it a pigment of your imagination?
If a man is standing in the middle of the forest speaking and there is no woman around to hear him… is he still wrong?
A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.
Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
A plateau is a high form of flattery.
Only in America… do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.
Once you’ve seen one shopping center you’ve seen a mall.
Those who jump off a Paris bridge are in Seine.
Half the people you know are below average.
A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
If a deaf person swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?
What if there were no hypothetical questions?
What was the best thing before sliced bread?
Is it true that cannibals don’t eat clowns because they taste funny.
Welcome To S**t Creek ~ Sorry, We’re Out of Paddles!
Only in America… can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.
Marriage changes passion…suddenly you’re in bed with a relative.
A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
Dancing cheek-to-cheek is really a form of floor play.
Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?
You feel stuck with your debt if you can’t budge it.
Only in America… do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.
She had a boyfriend with a wooden leg, but broke it off.
Why are hemorrhoids called “hemorrhoids” instead of “assteroids”?
A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.
Why are they called “stands” when they are made for sitting?
Why does mineral water that ‘has trickled through mountains for centuries’ have a ‘use by’ date?
Marathon runners with bad footwear suffer the agony of defeat.
I am a nobody, and nobody is perfect; therefore I am perfect.
Alarms: What an octopus is.
The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.
If a turtle doesn’t have a shell, is he homeless or naked?
Can you sentence a homeless man to house arrest?
Condoms should be used on every conceivable occasion.
Why can’t women put mascara on with their mouth closed?
I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, “Where’s the self-help section?” She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines?
I used to work in a blanket factory, but it folded.
Santa’s helpers are subordinate clauses.
The best way to do housework is to sweep the room with a glance.
Acupuncture is a jab well done.
How do they get the deer to cross at that yellow road sign?
Only in America… do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won’t miss a call from someone we didn’t want to talk to in the first place.
Reading whilst sunbathing makes you well-red.
Why is it that to stop Windows 98, you have to click on “Start”?
A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says: “A beer please, and one for the road.”
He had a photographic memory that was never developed.
Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
Would a fly without wings be called a walk?
Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian, any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.
What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?
Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.
If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?
Two peanuts walked into a bar. One was a salted.
Why isn’t there mouse-flavored cat food?
Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?
If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?
Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?
How do you tell when you’re out of invisible ink?
Sea captains don’t like crew cuts.
In democracy it’s your vote that counts. In feudalism it’s your count that votes.
I married my wife for her looks…but not the ones she’s been giving me lately!
If you want the rainbow, you gotta put up with the rain.
Only in America… do we use the word ‘politics’ to describe the process so well: ‘Poli’ in Latin meaning ‘many’ and ‘tics’ meaning ‘bloodsucking creatures’
Why does the sun lighten our hair, but darkens our skin?
Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?
What do people in China call their good plates?
He often broke into song because he couldn’t find the key.
How come you can see the stars from the Earth, but you can’t see them when you’re in space?
Select what you want to see from the menu below.
Click on the foremost image to enlarge or to see more information.