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What if there were no hypothetical questions?

In democracy it’s your vote that counts. In feudalism it’s your count that votes.

Isn’t it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do “practice”?

A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.

Where do forest rangers go to “get away from it all?”

Only in America… are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink.

How do they get the deer to cross at that yellow road sign?

Alarms: What an octopus is.

A bicycle can’t stand on its own because it is two-tired.

Would a fly without wings be called a walk?

He had a photographic memory that was never developed.

Definition of a will? – a dead giveaway

The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.

A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.

Why do they lock gas station bathrooms?? Are they afraid someone will clean them?

Why does the sun lighten our hair, but darkens our skin?

Why does your gynecologist leave the room when you get undressed?

How do you tell when you’re out of invisible ink?

If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?

Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?

Borrow money from pessimists – they don’t expect it back.

If you don’t pay your exorcist you get repossessed.

Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft and I’ll show you A-flat minor.

Local Area Network in Australia: the LAN down under.

Why is “abbreviated” such a long word?

Why are hemorrhoids called “hemorrhoids” instead of “assteroids”?

Half the people you know are below average.

If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?

Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?

Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.

She had a boyfriend with a wooden leg, but broke it off.

If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?

Banning the bra was a big flop.

If carrots are so good for the eyes, how come I see so many dead rabbits on the highway?

He often broke into song because he couldn’t find the key.

I used to work in a blanket factory, but it folded.

If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.

A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.

Only in America… can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.

Why is it called tourist season if we can’t shoot at them?

If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest drown, too?

Can you sentence a homeless man to house arrest?

A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.

Why is it called Alcoholics Anonymous when the first thing you do is stand up and say, ‘My name is Bob, and I am an alcoholic?’

What was the best thing before sliced bread?

Santa’s helpers are subordinate clauses.

I am a nobody, and nobody is perfect; therefore I am perfect.

Where are we going? And what’s with this hand basket?

When everything is coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane.

What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?

I got a sweater for Christmas…I wanted a screamer or a moaner.

Hard work pays off in the future, laziness pays off now.

If you want the rainbow, you gotta put up with the rain.

Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?

Condoms should be used on every conceivable occasion.

Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?

Acupuncture is a jab well done.

I’d kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.

Why are they called stairs inside but steps outside?

Those who jump off a Paris bridge are in Seine.

If you’re too open-minded; your brains will fall out.

Only in America… do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won’t miss a call from someone we didn’t want to talk to in the first place.

Only in America… do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.

Why isn’t the whole airplane made out of the stuff the black box is made from?

When you dream in color, is it a pigment of your imagination?

Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?

I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.

Everyday I beat my own previous record for number of consecutive days I’ve stayed alive.

I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, “Where’s the self-help section?” She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.

Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines?

If croutons are stale bread, why do they come in airtight packages?

Reading whilst sunbathing makes you well-red.

How come you can see the stars from the Earth, but you can’t see them when you’re in space?

Sign In Chinese Pet Store: “Buy one dog, get one flea…”

The best way to do housework is to sweep the room with a glance.

Only in America… do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.

Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian, any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.

If a parsley farmer is sued, do they garnish his wages?

Don’t sweat the petty things and don’t pet the sweaty things.

When dog food is new and improved tasting, who tests it?

Is it true that cannibals don’t eat clowns because they taste funny.

A plateau is a high form of flattery.

If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?

If a man is standing in the middle of the forest speaking and there is no woman around to hear him… is he still wrong?

OK, so what’s the speed of dark?

Only in America… do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.

Marriage changes passion…suddenly you’re in bed with a relative.

Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?

Every calendar’s days are numbered.

Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?

Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.

Marathon runners with bad footwear suffer the agony of defeat.

You feel stuck with your debt if you can’t budge it.

Is there another word for synonym?

Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?

Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.

If you mated a bulldog and a shitsu, would it be called a bulls**t?

With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.

Why are they called “stands” when they are made for sitting?

Why does mineral water that ‘has trickled through mountains for centuries’ have a ‘use by’ date?

The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?

Welcome To S**t Creek ~ Sorry, We’re Out of Paddles!

One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.

Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.

Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?

Why is it that to stop Windows 98, you have to click on “Start”?

Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?

One nice thing about egotists: they don’t talk about other people.

Sea captains don’t like crew cuts.

Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.

Dancing cheek-to-cheek is really a form of floor play.

A backwards poet writes inverse.

The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.

I intend to live forever – so far, so good.

Why don’t you ever see the headline “Psychic Wins Lottery”?

All those who believe in psychokinesis, raise my hand.

Why didn’t Noah swat those two mosquitoes?

How is it possible to have a civil war?

Does the Little Mermaid wear an algebra?

Two peanuts walked into a bar. One was a salted.

Once you’ve seen one shopping center you’ve seen a mall.

If a turtle doesn’t have a shell, is he homeless or naked?

42.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.

When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds.

Why can’t women put mascara on with their mouth closed?

Is French kissing in France just called kissing?

Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.

Only in America… do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.

A hangover is the wrath of grapes.

Why isn’t there mouse-flavored cat food?

When an actress saw her first strands of gray hair she thought she’d dye.

Why is it that doctors call what they do “practice”?

What do people in China call their good plates?

A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

I married my wife for her looks…but not the ones she’s been giving me lately!

Only in America… do we use the word ‘politics’ to describe the process so well: ‘Poli’ in Latin meaning ‘many’ and ‘tics’ meaning ‘bloodsucking creatures’

A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says: “A beer please, and one for the road.”

Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?

Why don’t sheep shrink when it rains?

99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

If a deaf person swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?

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