She had a boyfriend with a wooden leg, but broke it off.
I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.
Santa’s helpers are subordinate clauses.
Local Area Network in Australia: the LAN down under.
Is there another word for synonym?
A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
Is French kissing in France just called kissing?
Hard work pays off in the future, laziness pays off now.
Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?
A backwards poet writes inverse.
If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?
If you’re too open-minded; your brains will fall out.
With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.
If a turtle doesn’t have a shell, is he homeless or naked?
All those who believe in psychokinesis, raise my hand.
Why is “abbreviated” such a long word?
When an actress saw her first strands of gray hair she thought she’d dye.
Those who jump off a Paris bridge are in Seine.
If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?
If a parsley farmer is sued, do they garnish his wages?
I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, “Where’s the self-help section?” She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
Acupuncture is a jab well done.
Borrow money from pessimists – they don’t expect it back.
Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.
Definition of a will? – a dead giveaway
Only in America… do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.
Why does your gynecologist leave the room when you get undressed?
If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?
Why don’t sheep shrink when it rains?
Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?
Only in America… do we use the word ‘politics’ to describe the process so well: ‘Poli’ in Latin meaning ‘many’ and ‘tics’ meaning ‘bloodsucking creatures’
If carrots are so good for the eyes, how come I see so many dead rabbits on the highway?
Why is it called Alcoholics Anonymous when the first thing you do is stand up and say, ‘My name is Bob, and I am an alcoholic?’
42.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.
A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
Dancing cheek-to-cheek is really a form of floor play.
If a deaf person swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?
Why is it called tourist season if we can’t shoot at them?
Marriage changes passion…suddenly you’re in bed with a relative.
If you want the rainbow, you gotta put up with the rain.
A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.
Why does the sun lighten our hair, but darkens our skin?
Only in America… can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.
Only in America… do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won’t miss a call from someone we didn’t want to talk to in the first place.
Welcome To S**t Creek ~ Sorry, We’re Out of Paddles!
Only in America… do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.
A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
How do you tell when you’re out of invisible ink?
The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.
Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?
Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?
If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?
When you dream in color, is it a pigment of your imagination?
He had a photographic memory that was never developed.
Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian, any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.
He often broke into song because he couldn’t find the key.
The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?
Banning the bra was a big flop.
Can you sentence a homeless man to house arrest?
Why don’t you ever see the headline “Psychic Wins Lottery”?
Marathon runners with bad footwear suffer the agony of defeat.
A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says: “A beer please, and one for the road.”
Condoms should be used on every conceivable occasion.
Why do they lock gas station bathrooms?? Are they afraid someone will clean them?
I got a sweater for Christmas…I wanted a screamer or a moaner.
Every calendar’s days are numbered.
Two peanuts walked into a bar. One was a salted.
Reading whilst sunbathing makes you well-red.
When dog food is new and improved tasting, who tests it?
Would a fly without wings be called a walk?
Isn’t it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do “practice”?
If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?
A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.
99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
Why does mineral water that ‘has trickled through mountains for centuries’ have a ‘use by’ date?
The best way to do housework is to sweep the room with a glance.
Where do forest rangers go to “get away from it all?”
One nice thing about egotists: they don’t talk about other people.
If you mated a bulldog and a shitsu, would it be called a bulls**t?
How is it possible to have a civil war?
What was the best thing before sliced bread?
Why are hemorrhoids called “hemorrhoids” instead of “assteroids”?
Only in America… do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.
When everything is coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane.
Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?
Only in America… do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.
Only in America… are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink.
The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.
Why are they called “stands” when they are made for sitting?
Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.
Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft and I’ll show you A-flat minor.
A plateau is a high form of flattery.
Why is it that doctors call what they do “practice”?
Everyday I beat my own previous record for number of consecutive days I’ve stayed alive.
If croutons are stale bread, why do they come in airtight packages?
Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?
When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds.
Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?
A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.
I intend to live forever – so far, so good.
How do they get the deer to cross at that yellow road sign?
Why is it that to stop Windows 98, you have to click on “Start”?
Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?
Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
Why isn’t the whole airplane made out of the stuff the black box is made from?
Alarms: What an octopus is.
Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.
If a man is standing in the middle of the forest speaking and there is no woman around to hear him… is he still wrong?
Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
What if there were no hypothetical questions?
One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.
Once you’ve seen one shopping center you’ve seen a mall.
I used to work in a blanket factory, but it folded.
The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.
Why can’t women put mascara on with their mouth closed?
Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.
I’d kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.
What do people in China call their good plates?
If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.
I married my wife for her looks…but not the ones she’s been giving me lately!
If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest drown, too?
Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
Does the Little Mermaid wear an algebra?
In democracy it’s your vote that counts. In feudalism it’s your count that votes.
Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?
Why isn’t there mouse-flavored cat food?
OK, so what’s the speed of dark?
Half the people you know are below average.
What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?
Why didn’t Noah swat those two mosquitoes?
How come you can see the stars from the Earth, but you can’t see them when you’re in space?
Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines?
Why are they called stairs inside but steps outside?
I am a nobody, and nobody is perfect; therefore I am perfect.
If you don’t pay your exorcist you get repossessed.
Sea captains don’t like crew cuts.
Don’t sweat the petty things and don’t pet the sweaty things.
A bicycle can’t stand on its own because it is two-tired.
You feel stuck with your debt if you can’t budge it.
Is it true that cannibals don’t eat clowns because they taste funny.
Sign In Chinese Pet Store: “Buy one dog, get one flea…”
Where are we going? And what’s with this hand basket?
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