Where are we going? And what’s with this hand basket?
Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft and I’ll show you A-flat minor.
She had a boyfriend with a wooden leg, but broke it off.
Why isn’t the whole airplane made out of the stuff the black box is made from?
Why is it that doctors call what they do “practice”?
Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?
Reading whilst sunbathing makes you well-red.
Why is “abbreviated” such a long word?
How do you tell when you’re out of invisible ink?
With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.
Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?
Only in America… do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.
A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.
Why didn’t Noah swat those two mosquitoes?
Only in America… can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.
Sea captains don’t like crew cuts.
If a deaf person swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?
Borrow money from pessimists – they don’t expect it back.
If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?
Santa’s helpers are subordinate clauses.
Why does mineral water that ‘has trickled through mountains for centuries’ have a ‘use by’ date?
Why are they called stairs inside but steps outside?
Only in America… do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.
Don’t sweat the petty things and don’t pet the sweaty things.
Only in America… do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won’t miss a call from someone we didn’t want to talk to in the first place.
Only in America… are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink.
Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?
How come you can see the stars from the Earth, but you can’t see them when you’re in space?
If a man is standing in the middle of the forest speaking and there is no woman around to hear him… is he still wrong?
Why isn’t there mouse-flavored cat food?
Why is it called Alcoholics Anonymous when the first thing you do is stand up and say, ‘My name is Bob, and I am an alcoholic?’
Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?
If you don’t pay your exorcist you get repossessed.
I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.
42.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.
Why do they lock gas station bathrooms?? Are they afraid someone will clean them?
If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest drown, too?
One nice thing about egotists: they don’t talk about other people.
I intend to live forever – so far, so good.
When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds.
If carrots are so good for the eyes, how come I see so many dead rabbits on the highway?
Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.
A backwards poet writes inverse.
Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?
Would a fly without wings be called a walk?
A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.
Local Area Network in Australia: the LAN down under.
Where do forest rangers go to “get away from it all?”
Why are they called “stands” when they are made for sitting?
I used to work in a blanket factory, but it folded.
Everyday I beat my own previous record for number of consecutive days I’ve stayed alive.
A bicycle can’t stand on its own because it is two-tired.
If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.
Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
Why don’t sheep shrink when it rains?
When you dream in color, is it a pigment of your imagination?
Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?
If you want the rainbow, you gotta put up with the rain.
Is it true that cannibals don’t eat clowns because they taste funny.
The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.
He had a photographic memory that was never developed.
Every calendar’s days are numbered.
Why can’t women put mascara on with their mouth closed?
I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, “Where’s the self-help section?” She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?
Those who jump off a Paris bridge are in Seine.
Why does your gynecologist leave the room when you get undressed?
Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.
A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.
Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?
When an actress saw her first strands of gray hair she thought she’d dye.
Why don’t you ever see the headline “Psychic Wins Lottery”?
If a turtle doesn’t have a shell, is he homeless or naked?
Can you sentence a homeless man to house arrest?
Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
Acupuncture is a jab well done.
Condoms should be used on every conceivable occasion.
If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?
I am a nobody, and nobody is perfect; therefore I am perfect.
Is there another word for synonym?
The best way to do housework is to sweep the room with a glance.
A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
I married my wife for her looks…but not the ones she’s been giving me lately!
Only in America… do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.
Welcome To S**t Creek ~ Sorry, We’re Out of Paddles!
OK, so what’s the speed of dark?
If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?
Why is it called tourist season if we can’t shoot at them?
Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?
When everything is coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane.
Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines?
Is French kissing in France just called kissing?
Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian, any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.
The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
If a parsley farmer is sued, do they garnish his wages?
Does the Little Mermaid wear an algebra?
What if there were no hypothetical questions?
Marriage changes passion…suddenly you’re in bed with a relative.
He often broke into song because he couldn’t find the key.
Why is it that to stop Windows 98, you have to click on “Start”?
Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.
Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
Marathon runners with bad footwear suffer the agony of defeat.
Banning the bra was a big flop.
When dog food is new and improved tasting, who tests it?
If you mated a bulldog and a shitsu, would it be called a bulls**t?
What was the best thing before sliced bread?
Hard work pays off in the future, laziness pays off now.
If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?
Isn’t it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do “practice”?
The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.
Alarms: What an octopus is.
Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?
I’d kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.
99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
What do people in China call their good plates?
I got a sweater for Christmas…I wanted a screamer or a moaner.
One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.
How is it possible to have a civil war?
Why does the sun lighten our hair, but darkens our skin?
Half the people you know are below average.
Once you’ve seen one shopping center you’ve seen a mall.
Sign In Chinese Pet Store: “Buy one dog, get one flea…”
Why are hemorrhoids called “hemorrhoids” instead of “assteroids”?
Only in America… do we use the word ‘politics’ to describe the process so well: ‘Poli’ in Latin meaning ‘many’ and ‘tics’ meaning ‘bloodsucking creatures’
Only in America… do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.
How do they get the deer to cross at that yellow road sign?
A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
In democracy it’s your vote that counts. In feudalism it’s your count that votes.
You feel stuck with your debt if you can’t budge it.
A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
If you’re too open-minded; your brains will fall out.
Definition of a will? – a dead giveaway
Two peanuts walked into a bar. One was a salted.
Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
If croutons are stale bread, why do they come in airtight packages?
A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says: “A beer please, and one for the road.”
What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?
A plateau is a high form of flattery.
Dancing cheek-to-cheek is really a form of floor play.
Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.
All those who believe in psychokinesis, raise my hand.
Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?
The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.
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