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Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?

Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?

If you want the rainbow, you gotta put up with the rain.

What if there were no hypothetical questions?

Condoms should be used on every conceivable occasion.

If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?

If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest drown, too?

Where are we going? And what’s with this hand basket?

Only in America… do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.

Why is it called tourist season if we can’t shoot at them?

Banning the bra was a big flop.

99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

Only in America… are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink.

Why is it called Alcoholics Anonymous when the first thing you do is stand up and say, ‘My name is Bob, and I am an alcoholic?’

If a deaf person swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?

What was the best thing before sliced bread?

Reading whilst sunbathing makes you well-red.

Marathon runners with bad footwear suffer the agony of defeat.

Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft and I’ll show you A-flat minor.

A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.

Once you’ve seen one shopping center you’ve seen a mall.

Would a fly without wings be called a walk?

Every calendar’s days are numbered.

Santa’s helpers are subordinate clauses.

42.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.

A backwards poet writes inverse.

Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?

Borrow money from pessimists – they don’t expect it back.

Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines?

In democracy it’s your vote that counts. In feudalism it’s your count that votes.

One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.

Definition of a will? – a dead giveaway

A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says: “A beer please, and one for the road.”

What do people in China call their good plates?

He often broke into song because he couldn’t find the key.

Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian, any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.

Why isn’t the whole airplane made out of the stuff the black box is made from?

Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?

Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.

Is there another word for synonym?

If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?

Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?

Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?

Sea captains don’t like crew cuts.

Local Area Network in Australia: the LAN down under.

I used to work in a blanket factory, but it folded.

If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?

Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?

Why didn’t Noah swat those two mosquitoes?

Why can’t women put mascara on with their mouth closed?

Why does your gynecologist leave the room when you get undressed?

Those who jump off a Paris bridge are in Seine.

Is it true that cannibals don’t eat clowns because they taste funny.

How do you tell when you’re out of invisible ink?

Why is it that doctors call what they do “practice”?

Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

Alarms: What an octopus is.

A hangover is the wrath of grapes.

Isn’t it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do “practice”?

If a turtle doesn’t have a shell, is he homeless or naked?

If croutons are stale bread, why do they come in airtight packages?

Why do they lock gas station bathrooms?? Are they afraid someone will clean them?

The best way to do housework is to sweep the room with a glance.

All those who believe in psychokinesis, raise my hand.

Why isn’t there mouse-flavored cat food?

Why don’t sheep shrink when it rains?

If a man is standing in the middle of the forest speaking and there is no woman around to hear him… is he still wrong?

A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.

Only in America… do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.

Why are hemorrhoids called “hemorrhoids” instead of “assteroids”?

Welcome To S**t Creek ~ Sorry, We’re Out of Paddles!

The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

Hard work pays off in the future, laziness pays off now.

Only in America… do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won’t miss a call from someone we didn’t want to talk to in the first place.

Two peanuts walked into a bar. One was a salted.

How is it possible to have a civil war?

Why are they called stairs inside but steps outside?

If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?

The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.

If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?

If a parsley farmer is sued, do they garnish his wages?

Is French kissing in France just called kissing?

A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.

Why does the sun lighten our hair, but darkens our skin?

If you’re too open-minded; your brains will fall out.

Does the Little Mermaid wear an algebra?

I married my wife for her looks…but not the ones she’s been giving me lately!

Dancing cheek-to-cheek is really a form of floor play.

Why don’t you ever see the headline “Psychic Wins Lottery”?

Only in America… do we use the word ‘politics’ to describe the process so well: ‘Poli’ in Latin meaning ‘many’ and ‘tics’ meaning ‘bloodsucking creatures’

Can you sentence a homeless man to house arrest?

Only in America… do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.

He had a photographic memory that was never developed.

Only in America… can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.

Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.

Acupuncture is a jab well done.

I am a nobody, and nobody is perfect; therefore I am perfect.

Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.

One nice thing about egotists: they don’t talk about other people.

Half the people you know are below average.

The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.

Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.

When an actress saw her first strands of gray hair she thought she’d dye.

A bicycle can’t stand on its own because it is two-tired.

I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, “Where’s the self-help section?” She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.

Marriage changes passion…suddenly you’re in bed with a relative.

How come you can see the stars from the Earth, but you can’t see them when you’re in space?

Why is it that to stop Windows 98, you have to click on “Start”?

I’d kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.

Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.

Why are they called “stands” when they are made for sitting?

A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.

When dog food is new and improved tasting, who tests it?

If carrots are so good for the eyes, how come I see so many dead rabbits on the highway?

Where do forest rangers go to “get away from it all?”

OK, so what’s the speed of dark?

I got a sweater for Christmas…I wanted a screamer or a moaner.

I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.

I intend to live forever – so far, so good.

Everyday I beat my own previous record for number of consecutive days I’ve stayed alive.

Only in America… do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.

Why is “abbreviated” such a long word?

A plateau is a high form of flattery.

Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?

How do they get the deer to cross at that yellow road sign?

The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.

Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?

When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds.

Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

Don’t sweat the petty things and don’t pet the sweaty things.

A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?

She had a boyfriend with a wooden leg, but broke it off.

Why does mineral water that ‘has trickled through mountains for centuries’ have a ‘use by’ date?

If you don’t pay your exorcist you get repossessed.

If you mated a bulldog and a shitsu, would it be called a bulls**t?

Sign In Chinese Pet Store: “Buy one dog, get one flea…”

If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.

What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?

When you dream in color, is it a pigment of your imagination?

When everything is coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane.

You feel stuck with your debt if you can’t budge it.

With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.

Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?

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