Why do they lock gas station bathrooms?? Are they afraid someone will clean them?
Condoms should be used on every conceivable occasion.
How do you tell when you’re out of invisible ink?
Why does your gynecologist leave the room when you get undressed?
How do they get the deer to cross at that yellow road sign?
With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.
Banning the bra was a big flop.
Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?
I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, “Where’s the self-help section?” She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.
A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says: “A beer please, and one for the road.”
Would a fly without wings be called a walk?
Alarms: What an octopus is.
Only in America… do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.
I used to work in a blanket factory, but it folded.
Hard work pays off in the future, laziness pays off now.
Why is it that doctors call what they do “practice”?
A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?
A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.
If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?
Marriage changes passion…suddenly you’re in bed with a relative.
Those who jump off a Paris bridge are in Seine.
Is French kissing in France just called kissing?
If a parsley farmer is sued, do they garnish his wages?
Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
Why is “abbreviated” such a long word?
He had a photographic memory that was never developed.
Dancing cheek-to-cheek is really a form of floor play.
Why are they called “stands” when they are made for sitting?
I married my wife for her looks…but not the ones she’s been giving me lately!
Two peanuts walked into a bar. One was a salted.
Why don’t sheep shrink when it rains?
What was the best thing before sliced bread?
Isn’t it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do “practice”?
When everything is coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane.
Don’t sweat the petty things and don’t pet the sweaty things.
I intend to live forever – so far, so good.
Where do forest rangers go to “get away from it all?”
Only in America… do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won’t miss a call from someone we didn’t want to talk to in the first place.
Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?
Why don’t you ever see the headline “Psychic Wins Lottery”?
If croutons are stale bread, why do they come in airtight packages?
The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.
Half the people you know are below average.
Does the Little Mermaid wear an algebra?
Every calendar’s days are numbered.
Only in America… do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.
99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
Everyday I beat my own previous record for number of consecutive days I’ve stayed alive.
Why are they called stairs inside but steps outside?
Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?
When you dream in color, is it a pigment of your imagination?
All those who believe in psychokinesis, raise my hand.
Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.
If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?
Only in America… can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.
If a man is standing in the middle of the forest speaking and there is no woman around to hear him… is he still wrong?
Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
Reading whilst sunbathing makes you well-red.
If you don’t pay your exorcist you get repossessed.
A plateau is a high form of flattery.
Only in America… do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.
Only in America… do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.
Sign In Chinese Pet Store: “Buy one dog, get one flea…”
Why does mineral water that ‘has trickled through mountains for centuries’ have a ‘use by’ date?
Sea captains don’t like crew cuts.
Why is it called Alcoholics Anonymous when the first thing you do is stand up and say, ‘My name is Bob, and I am an alcoholic?’
Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft and I’ll show you A-flat minor.
Where are we going? And what’s with this hand basket?
The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.
If you’re too open-minded; your brains will fall out.
Once you’ve seen one shopping center you’ve seen a mall.
42.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.
I’d kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.
Local Area Network in Australia: the LAN down under.
What do people in China call their good plates?
I am a nobody, and nobody is perfect; therefore I am perfect.
Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.
Why does the sun lighten our hair, but darkens our skin?
A backwards poet writes inverse.
If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.
Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.
Welcome To S**t Creek ~ Sorry, We’re Out of Paddles!
Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?
If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?
Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?
Only in America… do we use the word ‘politics’ to describe the process so well: ‘Poli’ in Latin meaning ‘many’ and ‘tics’ meaning ‘bloodsucking creatures’
I got a sweater for Christmas…I wanted a screamer or a moaner.
Only in America… are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink.
How come you can see the stars from the Earth, but you can’t see them when you’re in space?
Borrow money from pessimists – they don’t expect it back.
Is it true that cannibals don’t eat clowns because they taste funny.
OK, so what’s the speed of dark?
Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?
If a deaf person swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?
What if there were no hypothetical questions?
Why are hemorrhoids called “hemorrhoids” instead of “assteroids”?
A bicycle can’t stand on its own because it is two-tired.
If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?
Why is it called tourist season if we can’t shoot at them?
A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.
When an actress saw her first strands of gray hair she thought she’d dye.
He often broke into song because he couldn’t find the key.
If you mated a bulldog and a shitsu, would it be called a bulls**t?
Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?
The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
When dog food is new and improved tasting, who tests it?
Definition of a will? – a dead giveaway
One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.
Why isn’t the whole airplane made out of the stuff the black box is made from?
Acupuncture is a jab well done.
Why can’t women put mascara on with their mouth closed?
How is it possible to have a civil war?
The best way to do housework is to sweep the room with a glance.
Marathon runners with bad footwear suffer the agony of defeat.
Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?
Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?
If a turtle doesn’t have a shell, is he homeless or naked?
Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines?
She had a boyfriend with a wooden leg, but broke it off.
A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds.
Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
Can you sentence a homeless man to house arrest?
Why didn’t Noah swat those two mosquitoes?
Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian, any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.
If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?
Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.
If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest drown, too?
In democracy it’s your vote that counts. In feudalism it’s your count that votes.
If you want the rainbow, you gotta put up with the rain.
Is there another word for synonym?
If carrots are so good for the eyes, how come I see so many dead rabbits on the highway?
Why isn’t there mouse-flavored cat food?
The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.
I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.
One nice thing about egotists: they don’t talk about other people.
Santa’s helpers are subordinate clauses.
Why is it that to stop Windows 98, you have to click on “Start”?
You feel stuck with your debt if you can’t budge it.
Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?
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