Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.
If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?
How do you tell when you’re out of invisible ink?
Banning the bra was a big flop.
How come you can see the stars from the Earth, but you can’t see them when you’re in space?
Why does the sun lighten our hair, but darkens our skin?
OK, so what’s the speed of dark?
When dog food is new and improved tasting, who tests it?
Why isn’t there mouse-flavored cat food?
How do they get the deer to cross at that yellow road sign?
If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?
Why are they called “stands” when they are made for sitting?
When an actress saw her first strands of gray hair she thought she’d dye.
When everything is coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane.
Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.
Why is it called tourist season if we can’t shoot at them?
A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.
Where do forest rangers go to “get away from it all?”
How is it possible to have a civil war?
Where are we going? And what’s with this hand basket?
Only in America… do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.
Reading whilst sunbathing makes you well-red.
Sea captains don’t like crew cuts.
Dancing cheek-to-cheek is really a form of floor play.
Local Area Network in Australia: the LAN down under.
Why is it that doctors call what they do “practice”?
Why is “abbreviated” such a long word?
I am a nobody, and nobody is perfect; therefore I am perfect.
Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?
Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft and I’ll show you A-flat minor.
Only in America… do we use the word ‘politics’ to describe the process so well: ‘Poli’ in Latin meaning ‘many’ and ‘tics’ meaning ‘bloodsucking creatures’
What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?
Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?
Only in America… can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.
I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, “Where’s the self-help section?” She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
If a turtle doesn’t have a shell, is he homeless or naked?
A backwards poet writes inverse.
Every calendar’s days are numbered.
Why can’t women put mascara on with their mouth closed?
Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?
Borrow money from pessimists – they don’t expect it back.
You feel stuck with your debt if you can’t budge it.
Why is it called Alcoholics Anonymous when the first thing you do is stand up and say, ‘My name is Bob, and I am an alcoholic?’
If croutons are stale bread, why do they come in airtight packages?
If a parsley farmer is sued, do they garnish his wages?
Definition of a will? – a dead giveaway
He often broke into song because he couldn’t find the key.
Only in America… do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won’t miss a call from someone we didn’t want to talk to in the first place.
Only in America… do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.
If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest drown, too?
If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?
Those who jump off a Paris bridge are in Seine.
With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.
Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
Does the Little Mermaid wear an algebra?
Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?
Two peanuts walked into a bar. One was a salted.
A bicycle can’t stand on its own because it is two-tired.
Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says: “A beer please, and one for the road.”
Isn’t it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do “practice”?
A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
Half the people you know are below average.
The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
Why does mineral water that ‘has trickled through mountains for centuries’ have a ‘use by’ date?
Is there another word for synonym?
If you want the rainbow, you gotta put up with the rain.
Why is it that to stop Windows 98, you have to click on “Start”?
Why does your gynecologist leave the room when you get undressed?
The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.
A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.
Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?
If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?
Hard work pays off in the future, laziness pays off now.
Only in America… do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.
Why are they called stairs inside but steps outside?
The best way to do housework is to sweep the room with a glance.
Why isn’t the whole airplane made out of the stuff the black box is made from?
Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?
All those who believe in psychokinesis, raise my hand.
If you’re too open-minded; your brains will fall out.
What was the best thing before sliced bread?
Only in America… are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink.
A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.
Don’t sweat the petty things and don’t pet the sweaty things.
Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?
He had a photographic memory that was never developed.
99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
I married my wife for her looks…but not the ones she’s been giving me lately!
Would a fly without wings be called a walk?
In democracy it’s your vote that counts. In feudalism it’s your count that votes.
Why don’t sheep shrink when it rains?
Is it true that cannibals don’t eat clowns because they taste funny.
A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?
Why are hemorrhoids called “hemorrhoids” instead of “assteroids”?
I’d kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.
If carrots are so good for the eyes, how come I see so many dead rabbits on the highway?
Condoms should be used on every conceivable occasion.
What if there were no hypothetical questions?
Only in America… do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.
Why didn’t Noah swat those two mosquitoes?
I got a sweater for Christmas…I wanted a screamer or a moaner.
Marriage changes passion…suddenly you’re in bed with a relative.
One nice thing about egotists: they don’t talk about other people.
Sign In Chinese Pet Store: “Buy one dog, get one flea…”
Why don’t you ever see the headline “Psychic Wins Lottery”?
42.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.
She had a boyfriend with a wooden leg, but broke it off.
Is French kissing in France just called kissing?
Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian, any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.
Alarms: What an octopus is.
Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?
The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.
Santa’s helpers are subordinate clauses.
If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?
One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.
Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
If a deaf person swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?
Can you sentence a homeless man to house arrest?
A plateau is a high form of flattery.
Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?
I intend to live forever – so far, so good.
If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.
If a man is standing in the middle of the forest speaking and there is no woman around to hear him… is he still wrong?
Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.
Marathon runners with bad footwear suffer the agony of defeat.
If you mated a bulldog and a shitsu, would it be called a bulls**t?
What do people in China call their good plates?
Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
Welcome To S**t Creek ~ Sorry, We’re Out of Paddles!
Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.
When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds.
Acupuncture is a jab well done.
The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.
If you don’t pay your exorcist you get repossessed.
Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines?
Why do they lock gas station bathrooms?? Are they afraid someone will clean them?
Everyday I beat my own previous record for number of consecutive days I’ve stayed alive.
Once you’ve seen one shopping center you’ve seen a mall.
When you dream in color, is it a pigment of your imagination?
A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.
I used to work in a blanket factory, but it folded.
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