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42.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.

Why isn’t the whole airplane made out of the stuff the black box is made from?

Only in America… do we use the word ‘politics’ to describe the process so well: ‘Poli’ in Latin meaning ‘many’ and ‘tics’ meaning ‘bloodsucking creatures’

Condoms should be used on every conceivable occasion.

Reading whilst sunbathing makes you well-red.

If you want the rainbow, you gotta put up with the rain.

The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.

Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?

Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?

Only in America… do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.

When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds.

How is it possible to have a civil war?

When everything is coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane.

A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says: “A beer please, and one for the road.”

Every calendar’s days are numbered.

Why are hemorrhoids called “hemorrhoids” instead of “assteroids”?

A bicycle can’t stand on its own because it is two-tired.

Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?

A backwards poet writes inverse.

Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?

Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?

Why is it that to stop Windows 98, you have to click on “Start”?

If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?

One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.

He had a photographic memory that was never developed.

Why does your gynecologist leave the room when you get undressed?

Is it true that cannibals don’t eat clowns because they taste funny.

Does the Little Mermaid wear an algebra?

Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?

Alarms: What an octopus is.

Half the people you know are below average.

Is French kissing in France just called kissing?

Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?

I got a sweater for Christmas…I wanted a screamer or a moaner.

If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?

How do you tell when you’re out of invisible ink?

What do people in China call their good plates?

If a turtle doesn’t have a shell, is he homeless or naked?

What was the best thing before sliced bread?

Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines?

Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.

Sign In Chinese Pet Store: “Buy one dog, get one flea…”

Only in America… do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.

Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.

Once you’ve seen one shopping center you’ve seen a mall.

Local Area Network in Australia: the LAN down under.

If a parsley farmer is sued, do they garnish his wages?

Isn’t it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do “practice”?

Only in America… can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.

Why is “abbreviated” such a long word?

What if there were no hypothetical questions?

When an actress saw her first strands of gray hair she thought she’d dye.

Welcome To S**t Creek ~ Sorry, We’re Out of Paddles!

Why do they lock gas station bathrooms?? Are they afraid someone will clean them?

A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.

Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

Santa’s helpers are subordinate clauses.

Why can’t women put mascara on with their mouth closed?

If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.

If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest drown, too?

If a deaf person swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?

Borrow money from pessimists – they don’t expect it back.

If a man is standing in the middle of the forest speaking and there is no woman around to hear him… is he still wrong?

Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

Sea captains don’t like crew cuts.

I used to work in a blanket factory, but it folded.

Why does mineral water that ‘has trickled through mountains for centuries’ have a ‘use by’ date?

Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft and I’ll show you A-flat minor.

Only in America… do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.

Would a fly without wings be called a walk?

If you don’t pay your exorcist you get repossessed.

He often broke into song because he couldn’t find the key.

Why is it called Alcoholics Anonymous when the first thing you do is stand up and say, ‘My name is Bob, and I am an alcoholic?’

A hangover is the wrath of grapes.

The best way to do housework is to sweep the room with a glance.

Why does the sun lighten our hair, but darkens our skin?

Definition of a will? – a dead giveaway

Marathon runners with bad footwear suffer the agony of defeat.

The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

When you dream in color, is it a pigment of your imagination?

I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.

What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?

The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.

If you mated a bulldog and a shitsu, would it be called a bulls**t?

Those who jump off a Paris bridge are in Seine.

A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

Why isn’t there mouse-flavored cat food?

Why are they called “stands” when they are made for sitting?

With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.

If carrots are so good for the eyes, how come I see so many dead rabbits on the highway?

Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?

Where do forest rangers go to “get away from it all?”

Why don’t you ever see the headline “Psychic Wins Lottery”?

A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.

Only in America… do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.

In democracy it’s your vote that counts. In feudalism it’s your count that votes.

I intend to live forever – so far, so good.

Why didn’t Noah swat those two mosquitoes?

One nice thing about egotists: they don’t talk about other people.

Why is it that doctors call what they do “practice”?

Only in America… do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won’t miss a call from someone we didn’t want to talk to in the first place.

If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?

Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.

A plateau is a high form of flattery.

I married my wife for her looks…but not the ones she’s been giving me lately!

Two peanuts walked into a bar. One was a salted.

Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?

Hard work pays off in the future, laziness pays off now.

A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.

Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?

99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.

Can you sentence a homeless man to house arrest?

Dancing cheek-to-cheek is really a form of floor play.

Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?

All those who believe in psychokinesis, raise my hand.

Don’t sweat the petty things and don’t pet the sweaty things.

Only in America… are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink.

I am a nobody, and nobody is perfect; therefore I am perfect.

Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian, any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.

How do they get the deer to cross at that yellow road sign?

Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.

Is there another word for synonym?

If you’re too open-minded; your brains will fall out.

Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.

If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?

When dog food is new and improved tasting, who tests it?

OK, so what’s the speed of dark?

You feel stuck with your debt if you can’t budge it.

If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?

Banning the bra was a big flop.

Why are they called stairs inside but steps outside?

Why is it called tourist season if we can’t shoot at them?

She had a boyfriend with a wooden leg, but broke it off.

If croutons are stale bread, why do they come in airtight packages?

Everyday I beat my own previous record for number of consecutive days I’ve stayed alive.

I’d kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.

Where are we going? And what’s with this hand basket?

Why don’t sheep shrink when it rains?

The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.

How come you can see the stars from the Earth, but you can’t see them when you’re in space?

Acupuncture is a jab well done.

Marriage changes passion…suddenly you’re in bed with a relative.

I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, “Where’s the self-help section?” She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.

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