Reading whilst sunbathing makes you well-red.
Why is it called tourist season if we can’t shoot at them?
Why isn’t the whole airplane made out of the stuff the black box is made from?
I got a sweater for Christmas…I wanted a screamer or a moaner.
Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?
Only in America… can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.
A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
Why does mineral water that ‘has trickled through mountains for centuries’ have a ‘use by’ date?
A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.
The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.
What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?
OK, so what’s the speed of dark?
You feel stuck with your debt if you can’t budge it.
Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines?
Everyday I beat my own previous record for number of consecutive days I’ve stayed alive.
If a parsley farmer is sued, do they garnish his wages?
When everything is coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane.
Condoms should be used on every conceivable occasion.
Why is it called Alcoholics Anonymous when the first thing you do is stand up and say, ‘My name is Bob, and I am an alcoholic?’
Why is “abbreviated” such a long word?
The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
A plateau is a high form of flattery.
Once you’ve seen one shopping center you’ve seen a mall.
If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?
One nice thing about egotists: they don’t talk about other people.
Marriage changes passion…suddenly you’re in bed with a relative.
Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?
The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.
Acupuncture is a jab well done.
Half the people you know are below average.
In democracy it’s your vote that counts. In feudalism it’s your count that votes.
Why does your gynecologist leave the room when you get undressed?
What was the best thing before sliced bread?
Marathon runners with bad footwear suffer the agony of defeat.
Is French kissing in France just called kissing?
Only in America… do we use the word ‘politics’ to describe the process so well: ‘Poli’ in Latin meaning ‘many’ and ‘tics’ meaning ‘bloodsucking creatures’
Borrow money from pessimists – they don’t expect it back.
Why didn’t Noah swat those two mosquitoes?
Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian, any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.
Those who jump off a Paris bridge are in Seine.
Alarms: What an octopus is.
Only in America… do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.
Two peanuts walked into a bar. One was a salted.
Where do forest rangers go to “get away from it all?”
Why is it that doctors call what they do “practice”?
Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?
If you mated a bulldog and a shitsu, would it be called a bulls**t?
Hard work pays off in the future, laziness pays off now.
A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
I am a nobody, and nobody is perfect; therefore I am perfect.
Why are they called stairs inside but steps outside?
Why does the sun lighten our hair, but darkens our skin?
She had a boyfriend with a wooden leg, but broke it off.
Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?
A bicycle can’t stand on its own because it is two-tired.
When you dream in color, is it a pigment of your imagination?
One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.
Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.
Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
Only in America… do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.
He often broke into song because he couldn’t find the key.
Dancing cheek-to-cheek is really a form of floor play.
Is there another word for synonym?
Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?
Where are we going? And what’s with this hand basket?
All those who believe in psychokinesis, raise my hand.
Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?
What do people in China call their good plates?
If a deaf person swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?
If croutons are stale bread, why do they come in airtight packages?
If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?
A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says: “A beer please, and one for the road.”
A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.
A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
Can you sentence a homeless man to house arrest?
Why can’t women put mascara on with their mouth closed?
If you’re too open-minded; your brains will fall out.
Banning the bra was a big flop.
I used to work in a blanket factory, but it folded.
When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds.
When dog food is new and improved tasting, who tests it?
A backwards poet writes inverse.
Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
Sign In Chinese Pet Store: “Buy one dog, get one flea…”
Is it true that cannibals don’t eat clowns because they taste funny.
Welcome To S**t Creek ~ Sorry, We’re Out of Paddles!
Only in America… do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won’t miss a call from someone we didn’t want to talk to in the first place.
If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest drown, too?
How is it possible to have a civil war?
Why don’t sheep shrink when it rains?
If you don’t pay your exorcist you get repossessed.
I’d kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.
A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.
If a turtle doesn’t have a shell, is he homeless or naked?
Local Area Network in Australia: the LAN down under.
42.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.
How come you can see the stars from the Earth, but you can’t see them when you’re in space?
Why isn’t there mouse-flavored cat food?
Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.
I married my wife for her looks…but not the ones she’s been giving me lately!
If you want the rainbow, you gotta put up with the rain.
If carrots are so good for the eyes, how come I see so many dead rabbits on the highway?
Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?
Would a fly without wings be called a walk?
The best way to do housework is to sweep the room with a glance.
Isn’t it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do “practice”?
Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?
Every calendar’s days are numbered.
Sea captains don’t like crew cuts.
Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?
If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?
I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, “Where’s the self-help section?” She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.
Why do they lock gas station bathrooms?? Are they afraid someone will clean them?
Why are they called “stands” when they are made for sitting?
Does the Little Mermaid wear an algebra?
How do they get the deer to cross at that yellow road sign?
99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
Only in America… are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink.
Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?
Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.
He had a photographic memory that was never developed.
Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.
Only in America… do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.
I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.
With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.
Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft and I’ll show you A-flat minor.
The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.
If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?
Why are hemorrhoids called “hemorrhoids” instead of “assteroids”?
Why is it that to stop Windows 98, you have to click on “Start”?
Don’t sweat the petty things and don’t pet the sweaty things.
Why don’t you ever see the headline “Psychic Wins Lottery”?
Santa’s helpers are subordinate clauses.
What if there were no hypothetical questions?
How do you tell when you’re out of invisible ink?
Only in America… do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.
When an actress saw her first strands of gray hair she thought she’d dye.
If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?
I intend to live forever – so far, so good.
If a man is standing in the middle of the forest speaking and there is no woman around to hear him… is he still wrong?
Definition of a will? – a dead giveaway
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