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Sea captains don’t like crew cuts.

I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.

Half the people you know are below average.

Why are they called “stands” when they are made for sitting?

If you don’t pay your exorcist you get repossessed.

If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?

Why isn’t the whole airplane made out of the stuff the black box is made from?

Only in America… do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won’t miss a call from someone we didn’t want to talk to in the first place.

Does the Little Mermaid wear an algebra?

I used to work in a blanket factory, but it folded.

Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines?

What do people in China call their good plates?

If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?

If you’re too open-minded; your brains will fall out.

I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, “Where’s the self-help section?” She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.

Why does your gynecologist leave the room when you get undressed?

You feel stuck with your debt if you can’t budge it.

Why is it called Alcoholics Anonymous when the first thing you do is stand up and say, ‘My name is Bob, and I am an alcoholic?’

Why is it called tourist season if we can’t shoot at them?

Where do forest rangers go to “get away from it all?”

Reading whilst sunbathing makes you well-red.

Definition of a will? – a dead giveaway

Why don’t you ever see the headline “Psychic Wins Lottery”?

Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?

Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?

Every calendar’s days are numbered.

I’d kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.

Why don’t sheep shrink when it rains?

In democracy it’s your vote that counts. In feudalism it’s your count that votes.

Why do they lock gas station bathrooms?? Are they afraid someone will clean them?

How come you can see the stars from the Earth, but you can’t see them when you’re in space?

Alarms: What an octopus is.

When an actress saw her first strands of gray hair she thought she’d dye.

Only in America… do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.

I intend to live forever – so far, so good.

Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?

Condoms should be used on every conceivable occasion.

Why can’t women put mascara on with their mouth closed?

42.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.

A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says: “A beer please, and one for the road.”

Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

He often broke into song because he couldn’t find the key.

If croutons are stale bread, why do they come in airtight packages?

What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?

Why are they called stairs inside but steps outside?

Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?

Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft and I’ll show you A-flat minor.

One nice thing about egotists: they don’t talk about other people.

Why is it that doctors call what they do “practice”?

How do they get the deer to cross at that yellow road sign?

When everything is coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane.

OK, so what’s the speed of dark?

Only in America… do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.

Only in America… are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink.

Is there another word for synonym?

Welcome To S**t Creek ~ Sorry, We’re Out of Paddles!

Only in America… do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.

Can you sentence a homeless man to house arrest?

When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds.

Two peanuts walked into a bar. One was a salted.

If a turtle doesn’t have a shell, is he homeless or naked?

I married my wife for her looks…but not the ones she’s been giving me lately!

The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.

The best way to do housework is to sweep the room with a glance.

He had a photographic memory that was never developed.

Marathon runners with bad footwear suffer the agony of defeat.

Where are we going? And what’s with this hand basket?

Santa’s helpers are subordinate clauses.

Isn’t it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do “practice”?

A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?

Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?

A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.

Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?

If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest drown, too?

Once you’ve seen one shopping center you’ve seen a mall.

Why is “abbreviated” such a long word?

Don’t sweat the petty things and don’t pet the sweaty things.

All those who believe in psychokinesis, raise my hand.

A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.

Only in America… do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.

Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.

If carrots are so good for the eyes, how come I see so many dead rabbits on the highway?

Why didn’t Noah swat those two mosquitoes?

99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

Marriage changes passion…suddenly you’re in bed with a relative.

Would a fly without wings be called a walk?

What was the best thing before sliced bread?

If a parsley farmer is sued, do they garnish his wages?

Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.

Is French kissing in France just called kissing?

Everyday I beat my own previous record for number of consecutive days I’ve stayed alive.

A hangover is the wrath of grapes.

How is it possible to have a civil war?

Only in America… can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.

Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.

A bicycle can’t stand on its own because it is two-tired.

A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.

She had a boyfriend with a wooden leg, but broke it off.

Local Area Network in Australia: the LAN down under.

If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?

Hard work pays off in the future, laziness pays off now.

If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?

I am a nobody, and nobody is perfect; therefore I am perfect.

When you dream in color, is it a pigment of your imagination?

If you mated a bulldog and a shitsu, would it be called a bulls**t?

Those who jump off a Paris bridge are in Seine.

How do you tell when you’re out of invisible ink?

Is it true that cannibals don’t eat clowns because they taste funny.

Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?

Why isn’t there mouse-flavored cat food?

A plateau is a high form of flattery.

Why are hemorrhoids called “hemorrhoids” instead of “assteroids”?

Acupuncture is a jab well done.

The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

If a man is standing in the middle of the forest speaking and there is no woman around to hear him… is he still wrong?

Sign In Chinese Pet Store: “Buy one dog, get one flea…”

If you want the rainbow, you gotta put up with the rain.

With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.

Why does mineral water that ‘has trickled through mountains for centuries’ have a ‘use by’ date?

Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian, any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.

If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?

Borrow money from pessimists – they don’t expect it back.

When dog food is new and improved tasting, who tests it?

Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?

Only in America… do we use the word ‘politics’ to describe the process so well: ‘Poli’ in Latin meaning ‘many’ and ‘tics’ meaning ‘bloodsucking creatures’

Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.

Why is it that to stop Windows 98, you have to click on “Start”?

Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?

The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.

Dancing cheek-to-cheek is really a form of floor play.

I got a sweater for Christmas…I wanted a screamer or a moaner.

The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.

Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.

One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.

What if there were no hypothetical questions?

Banning the bra was a big flop.

Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?

Why does the sun lighten our hair, but darkens our skin?

A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.

Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.

If a deaf person swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?

A backwards poet writes inverse.

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