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Only in America… do we use the word ‘politics’ to describe the process so well: ‘Poli’ in Latin meaning ‘many’ and ‘tics’ meaning ‘bloodsucking creatures’

Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?

The best way to do housework is to sweep the room with a glance.

Why can’t women put mascara on with their mouth closed?

If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?

Two peanuts walked into a bar. One was a salted.

Only in America… do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.

Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.

All those who believe in psychokinesis, raise my hand.

Half the people you know are below average.

A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.

Local Area Network in Australia: the LAN down under.

Those who jump off a Paris bridge are in Seine.

Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?

Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?

OK, so what’s the speed of dark?

Only in America… do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won’t miss a call from someone we didn’t want to talk to in the first place.

Everyday I beat my own previous record for number of consecutive days I’ve stayed alive.

Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?

Is it true that cannibals don’t eat clowns because they taste funny.

A plateau is a high form of flattery.

If you mated a bulldog and a shitsu, would it be called a bulls**t?

Isn’t it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do “practice”?

Reading whilst sunbathing makes you well-red.

How do you tell when you’re out of invisible ink?

If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?

Why is it called Alcoholics Anonymous when the first thing you do is stand up and say, ‘My name is Bob, and I am an alcoholic?’

I am a nobody, and nobody is perfect; therefore I am perfect.

Would a fly without wings be called a walk?

How come you can see the stars from the Earth, but you can’t see them when you’re in space?

Condoms should be used on every conceivable occasion.

I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.

One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.

Marriage changes passion…suddenly you’re in bed with a relative.

Where are we going? And what’s with this hand basket?

If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?

If a turtle doesn’t have a shell, is he homeless or naked?

Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?

One nice thing about egotists: they don’t talk about other people.

Sea captains don’t like crew cuts.

99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.

A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.

If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?

Why don’t you ever see the headline “Psychic Wins Lottery”?

With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.

Borrow money from pessimists – they don’t expect it back.

What do people in China call their good plates?

Why is it that to stop Windows 98, you have to click on “Start”?

Why does the sun lighten our hair, but darkens our skin?

A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says: “A beer please, and one for the road.”

Definition of a will? – a dead giveaway

The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.

Only in America… can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.

Why isn’t there mouse-flavored cat food?

He had a photographic memory that was never developed.

If croutons are stale bread, why do they come in airtight packages?

Why are they called “stands” when they are made for sitting?

I got a sweater for Christmas…I wanted a screamer or a moaner.

The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?

Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?

Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft and I’ll show you A-flat minor.

Is there another word for synonym?

Why is it that doctors call what they do “practice”?

Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

Only in America… are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink.

Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

Alarms: What an octopus is.

Banning the bra was a big flop.

Why don’t sheep shrink when it rains?

Why are they called stairs inside but steps outside?

If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest drown, too?

Is French kissing in France just called kissing?

The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.

A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.

Why is it called tourist season if we can’t shoot at them?

Why are hemorrhoids called “hemorrhoids” instead of “assteroids”?

Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?

If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?

If a deaf person swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?

Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?

How do they get the deer to cross at that yellow road sign?

Acupuncture is a jab well done.

I intend to live forever – so far, so good.

A backwards poet writes inverse.

Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines?

Once you’ve seen one shopping center you’ve seen a mall.

Only in America… do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.

She had a boyfriend with a wooden leg, but broke it off.

A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.

You feel stuck with your debt if you can’t budge it.

I’d kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.

If a parsley farmer is sued, do they garnish his wages?

Why didn’t Noah swat those two mosquitoes?

Dancing cheek-to-cheek is really a form of floor play.

I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, “Where’s the self-help section?” She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.

If carrots are so good for the eyes, how come I see so many dead rabbits on the highway?

What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?

Why does your gynecologist leave the room when you get undressed?

Santa’s helpers are subordinate clauses.

Can you sentence a homeless man to house arrest?

Why is “abbreviated” such a long word?

Why isn’t the whole airplane made out of the stuff the black box is made from?

Sign In Chinese Pet Store: “Buy one dog, get one flea…”

Marathon runners with bad footwear suffer the agony of defeat.

Hard work pays off in the future, laziness pays off now.

How is it possible to have a civil war?

Why do they lock gas station bathrooms?? Are they afraid someone will clean them?

Why does mineral water that ‘has trickled through mountains for centuries’ have a ‘use by’ date?

Only in America… do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.

Every calendar’s days are numbered.

Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.

Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.

Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?

When dog food is new and improved tasting, who tests it?

In democracy it’s your vote that counts. In feudalism it’s your count that votes.

If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.

When everything is coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane.

If you don’t pay your exorcist you get repossessed.

Don’t sweat the petty things and don’t pet the sweaty things.

Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian, any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.

What if there were no hypothetical questions?

He often broke into song because he couldn’t find the key.

I used to work in a blanket factory, but it folded.

A bicycle can’t stand on its own because it is two-tired.

What was the best thing before sliced bread?

I married my wife for her looks…but not the ones she’s been giving me lately!

The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.

If you want the rainbow, you gotta put up with the rain.

If you’re too open-minded; your brains will fall out.

When you dream in color, is it a pigment of your imagination?

Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?

When an actress saw her first strands of gray hair she thought she’d dye.

If a man is standing in the middle of the forest speaking and there is no woman around to hear him… is he still wrong?

When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds.

42.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.

Only in America… do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.

Does the Little Mermaid wear an algebra?

Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.

Where do forest rangers go to “get away from it all?”

A hangover is the wrath of grapes.

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