Marathon runners with bad footwear suffer the agony of defeat.
How do they get the deer to cross at that yellow road sign?
If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?
Why isn’t there mouse-flavored cat food?
Why is it called tourist season if we can’t shoot at them?
Hard work pays off in the future, laziness pays off now.
If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.
When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds.
Definition of a will? – a dead giveaway
Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.
Why can’t women put mascara on with their mouth closed?
A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.
Only in America… do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.
Only in America… are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink.
What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?
What do people in China call their good plates?
Why is it that to stop Windows 98, you have to click on “Start”?
Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?
Reading whilst sunbathing makes you well-red.
All those who believe in psychokinesis, raise my hand.
Why don’t you ever see the headline “Psychic Wins Lottery”?
Would a fly without wings be called a walk?
Only in America… do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.
He had a photographic memory that was never developed.
Why are hemorrhoids called “hemorrhoids” instead of “assteroids”?
Why didn’t Noah swat those two mosquitoes?
If you mated a bulldog and a shitsu, would it be called a bulls**t?
Isn’t it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do “practice”?
The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.
If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?
If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?
Why isn’t the whole airplane made out of the stuff the black box is made from?
A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.
Does the Little Mermaid wear an algebra?
Condoms should be used on every conceivable occasion.
42.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.
I married my wife for her looks…but not the ones she’s been giving me lately!
Only in America… do we use the word ‘politics’ to describe the process so well: ‘Poli’ in Latin meaning ‘many’ and ‘tics’ meaning ‘bloodsucking creatures’
Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?
Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.
If a deaf person swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?
Banning the bra was a big flop.
Why is it called Alcoholics Anonymous when the first thing you do is stand up and say, ‘My name is Bob, and I am an alcoholic?’
Where are we going? And what’s with this hand basket?
If a parsley farmer is sued, do they garnish his wages?
If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?
Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?
A backwards poet writes inverse.
A plateau is a high form of flattery.
You feel stuck with your debt if you can’t budge it.
If croutons are stale bread, why do they come in airtight packages?
Why does the sun lighten our hair, but darkens our skin?
Local Area Network in Australia: the LAN down under.
Sign In Chinese Pet Store: “Buy one dog, get one flea…”
Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?
If a turtle doesn’t have a shell, is he homeless or naked?
Marriage changes passion…suddenly you’re in bed with a relative.
Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?
Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
Alarms: What an octopus is.
Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?
How come you can see the stars from the Earth, but you can’t see them when you’re in space?
Why is “abbreviated” such a long word?
Borrow money from pessimists – they don’t expect it back.
The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.
She had a boyfriend with a wooden leg, but broke it off.
I am a nobody, and nobody is perfect; therefore I am perfect.
Why don’t sheep shrink when it rains?
When everything is coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane.
I used to work in a blanket factory, but it folded.
I got a sweater for Christmas…I wanted a screamer or a moaner.
When dog food is new and improved tasting, who tests it?
Only in America… do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.
Those who jump off a Paris bridge are in Seine.
A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
Only in America… can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.
Everyday I beat my own previous record for number of consecutive days I’ve stayed alive.
What if there were no hypothetical questions?
How do you tell when you’re out of invisible ink?
Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft and I’ll show you A-flat minor.
Is there another word for synonym?
I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.
Two peanuts walked into a bar. One was a salted.
Where do forest rangers go to “get away from it all?”
A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.
Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?
Why does your gynecologist leave the room when you get undressed?
Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines?
99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
In democracy it’s your vote that counts. In feudalism it’s your count that votes.
Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.
A bicycle can’t stand on its own because it is two-tired.
One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.
Only in America… do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won’t miss a call from someone we didn’t want to talk to in the first place.
If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?
If you don’t pay your exorcist you get repossessed.
Can you sentence a homeless man to house arrest?
A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
Is it true that cannibals don’t eat clowns because they taste funny.
If you’re too open-minded; your brains will fall out.
I’d kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.
Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?
If you want the rainbow, you gotta put up with the rain.
I intend to live forever – so far, so good.
Once you’ve seen one shopping center you’ve seen a mall.
Sea captains don’t like crew cuts.
The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
Acupuncture is a jab well done.
Half the people you know are below average.
How is it possible to have a civil war?
With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.
He often broke into song because he couldn’t find the key.
If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest drown, too?
Welcome To S**t Creek ~ Sorry, We’re Out of Paddles!
Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?
OK, so what’s the speed of dark?
A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says: “A beer please, and one for the road.”
Don’t sweat the petty things and don’t pet the sweaty things.
A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
One nice thing about egotists: they don’t talk about other people.
The best way to do housework is to sweep the room with a glance.
Why are they called “stands” when they are made for sitting?
I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, “Where’s the self-help section?” She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
If carrots are so good for the eyes, how come I see so many dead rabbits on the highway?
Why does mineral water that ‘has trickled through mountains for centuries’ have a ‘use by’ date?
If a man is standing in the middle of the forest speaking and there is no woman around to hear him… is he still wrong?
Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.
When an actress saw her first strands of gray hair she thought she’d dye.
Is French kissing in France just called kissing?
Every calendar’s days are numbered.
Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?
Why is it that doctors call what they do “practice”?
Dancing cheek-to-cheek is really a form of floor play.
Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian, any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.
Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.
Why are they called stairs inside but steps outside?
What was the best thing before sliced bread?
Santa’s helpers are subordinate clauses.
When you dream in color, is it a pigment of your imagination?
Why do they lock gas station bathrooms?? Are they afraid someone will clean them?
Only in America… do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.
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