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Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?

When you dream in color, is it a pigment of your imagination?

Only in America… do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.

If a deaf person swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?

Why are they called “stands” when they are made for sitting?

Where are we going? And what’s with this hand basket?

Why isn’t there mouse-flavored cat food?

If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?

How do they get the deer to cross at that yellow road sign?

Two peanuts walked into a bar. One was a salted.

Why don’t sheep shrink when it rains?

Only in America… do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.

If croutons are stale bread, why do they come in airtight packages?

If you’re too open-minded; your brains will fall out.

Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.

A plateau is a high form of flattery.

Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?

Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.

Why do they lock gas station bathrooms?? Are they afraid someone will clean them?

The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.

Santa’s helpers are subordinate clauses.

Once you’ve seen one shopping center you’ve seen a mall.

Only in America… can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.

When everything is coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane.

If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?

If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?

Hard work pays off in the future, laziness pays off now.

Don’t sweat the petty things and don’t pet the sweaty things.

He often broke into song because he couldn’t find the key.

If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?

I am a nobody, and nobody is perfect; therefore I am perfect.

Welcome To S**t Creek ~ Sorry, We’re Out of Paddles!

Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?

Is there another word for synonym?

If a man is standing in the middle of the forest speaking and there is no woman around to hear him… is he still wrong?

Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?

The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

You feel stuck with your debt if you can’t budge it.

Why does your gynecologist leave the room when you get undressed?

I intend to live forever – so far, so good.

Sea captains don’t like crew cuts.

42.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.

A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.

Why is it called tourist season if we can’t shoot at them?

If you want the rainbow, you gotta put up with the rain.

Why isn’t the whole airplane made out of the stuff the black box is made from?

Sign In Chinese Pet Store: “Buy one dog, get one flea…”

I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, “Where’s the self-help section?” She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.

Banning the bra was a big flop.

When an actress saw her first strands of gray hair she thought she’d dye.

If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.

If a parsley farmer is sued, do they garnish his wages?

I married my wife for her looks…but not the ones she’s been giving me lately!

If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?

A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says: “A beer please, and one for the road.”

If you don’t pay your exorcist you get repossessed.

Only in America… do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.

How do you tell when you’re out of invisible ink?

A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.

Local Area Network in Australia: the LAN down under.

What if there were no hypothetical questions?

Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines?

Why does mineral water that ‘has trickled through mountains for centuries’ have a ‘use by’ date?

Can you sentence a homeless man to house arrest?

Acupuncture is a jab well done.

Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?

Why can’t women put mascara on with their mouth closed?

Why are they called stairs inside but steps outside?

Why is it that to stop Windows 98, you have to click on “Start”?

A bicycle can’t stand on its own because it is two-tired.

Those who jump off a Paris bridge are in Seine.

Definition of a will? – a dead giveaway

The best way to do housework is to sweep the room with a glance.

Why is “abbreviated” such a long word?

Only in America… do we use the word ‘politics’ to describe the process so well: ‘Poli’ in Latin meaning ‘many’ and ‘tics’ meaning ‘bloodsucking creatures’

Borrow money from pessimists – they don’t expect it back.

I used to work in a blanket factory, but it folded.

If carrots are so good for the eyes, how come I see so many dead rabbits on the highway?

Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?

A backwards poet writes inverse.

What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?

What do people in China call their good plates?

Reading whilst sunbathing makes you well-red.

If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest drown, too?

Is it true that cannibals don’t eat clowns because they taste funny.

Marriage changes passion…suddenly you’re in bed with a relative.

Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.

When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds.

Why didn’t Noah swat those two mosquitoes?

A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.

Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?

With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.

A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.

Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?

Only in America… do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won’t miss a call from someone we didn’t want to talk to in the first place.

Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?

Why is it that doctors call what they do “practice”?

A hangover is the wrath of grapes.

Dancing cheek-to-cheek is really a form of floor play.

How is it possible to have a civil war?

Only in America… do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.

Why does the sun lighten our hair, but darkens our skin?

I’d kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.

The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.

Condoms should be used on every conceivable occasion.

Half the people you know are below average.

If you mated a bulldog and a shitsu, would it be called a bulls**t?

Alarms: What an octopus is.

Why is it called Alcoholics Anonymous when the first thing you do is stand up and say, ‘My name is Bob, and I am an alcoholic?’

If a turtle doesn’t have a shell, is he homeless or naked?

Why are hemorrhoids called “hemorrhoids” instead of “assteroids”?

She had a boyfriend with a wooden leg, but broke it off.

Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft and I’ll show you A-flat minor.

Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.

Isn’t it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do “practice”?

Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?

Marathon runners with bad footwear suffer the agony of defeat.

I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.

Would a fly without wings be called a walk?

How come you can see the stars from the Earth, but you can’t see them when you’re in space?

He had a photographic memory that was never developed.

Everyday I beat my own previous record for number of consecutive days I’ve stayed alive.

One nice thing about egotists: they don’t talk about other people.

Only in America… are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink.

OK, so what’s the speed of dark?

I got a sweater for Christmas…I wanted a screamer or a moaner.

Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?

Why don’t you ever see the headline “Psychic Wins Lottery”?

Is French kissing in France just called kissing?

What was the best thing before sliced bread?

The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.

Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian, any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.

Every calendar’s days are numbered.

One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.

In democracy it’s your vote that counts. In feudalism it’s your count that votes.

A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

All those who believe in psychokinesis, raise my hand.

When dog food is new and improved tasting, who tests it?

Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.

Does the Little Mermaid wear an algebra?

Where do forest rangers go to “get away from it all?”

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