Once you’ve seen one shopping center you’ve seen a mall.
I used to work in a blanket factory, but it folded.
A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.
Only in America… do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.
Every calendar’s days are numbered.
I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.
Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.
Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.
If you don’t pay your exorcist you get repossessed.
One nice thing about egotists: they don’t talk about other people.
Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.
Banning the bra was a big flop.
Borrow money from pessimists – they don’t expect it back.
Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?
Why do they lock gas station bathrooms?? Are they afraid someone will clean them?
99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?
Don’t sweat the petty things and don’t pet the sweaty things.
When dog food is new and improved tasting, who tests it?
Isn’t it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do “practice”?
A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says: “A beer please, and one for the road.”
Sea captains don’t like crew cuts.
A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
What do people in China call their good plates?
He had a photographic memory that was never developed.
A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
He often broke into song because he couldn’t find the key.
Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
Dancing cheek-to-cheek is really a form of floor play.
If a deaf person swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?
Why is it called tourist season if we can’t shoot at them?
How is it possible to have a civil war?
Why is “abbreviated” such a long word?
Only in America… do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won’t miss a call from someone we didn’t want to talk to in the first place.
If you’re too open-minded; your brains will fall out.
The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.
Why is it called Alcoholics Anonymous when the first thing you do is stand up and say, ‘My name is Bob, and I am an alcoholic?’
Definition of a will? – a dead giveaway
A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.
How do they get the deer to cross at that yellow road sign?
I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, “Where’s the self-help section?” She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
Is it true that cannibals don’t eat clowns because they taste funny.
How do you tell when you’re out of invisible ink?
I married my wife for her looks…but not the ones she’s been giving me lately!
Sign In Chinese Pet Store: “Buy one dog, get one flea…”
Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft and I’ll show you A-flat minor.
Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.
Why don’t you ever see the headline “Psychic Wins Lottery”?
Only in America… are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink.
With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.
When you dream in color, is it a pigment of your imagination?
What was the best thing before sliced bread?
If a man is standing in the middle of the forest speaking and there is no woman around to hear him… is he still wrong?
Why didn’t Noah swat those two mosquitoes?
Condoms should be used on every conceivable occasion.
The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.
Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?
Acupuncture is a jab well done.
Only in America… do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.
Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?
Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
If you want the rainbow, you gotta put up with the rain.
Why is it that to stop Windows 98, you have to click on “Start”?
Alarms: What an octopus is.
If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?
Is French kissing in France just called kissing?
Why can’t women put mascara on with their mouth closed?
If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.
Those who jump off a Paris bridge are in Seine.
Why isn’t there mouse-flavored cat food?
A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.
Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines?
Where do forest rangers go to “get away from it all?”
If a parsley farmer is sued, do they garnish his wages?
A backwards poet writes inverse.
Why don’t sheep shrink when it rains?
When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds.
If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest drown, too?
A bicycle can’t stand on its own because it is two-tired.
Everyday I beat my own previous record for number of consecutive days I’ve stayed alive.
The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
Only in America… do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.
Welcome To S**t Creek ~ Sorry, We’re Out of Paddles!
Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?
Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.
If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?
If croutons are stale bread, why do they come in airtight packages?
Reading whilst sunbathing makes you well-red.
Why are they called “stands” when they are made for sitting?
Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian, any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.
Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?
All those who believe in psychokinesis, raise my hand.
Two peanuts walked into a bar. One was a salted.
Only in America… do we use the word ‘politics’ to describe the process so well: ‘Poli’ in Latin meaning ‘many’ and ‘tics’ meaning ‘bloodsucking creatures’
You feel stuck with your debt if you can’t budge it.
Santa’s helpers are subordinate clauses.
If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?
If you mated a bulldog and a shitsu, would it be called a bulls**t?
Does the Little Mermaid wear an algebra?
Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?
Marriage changes passion…suddenly you’re in bed with a relative.
Why is it that doctors call what they do “practice”?
Where are we going? And what’s with this hand basket?
Why does mineral water that ‘has trickled through mountains for centuries’ have a ‘use by’ date?
Local Area Network in Australia: the LAN down under.
What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?
I intend to live forever – so far, so good.
Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?
Why isn’t the whole airplane made out of the stuff the black box is made from?
A plateau is a high form of flattery.
The best way to do housework is to sweep the room with a glance.
Why are hemorrhoids called “hemorrhoids” instead of “assteroids”?
Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?
Why are they called stairs inside but steps outside?
What if there were no hypothetical questions?
Hard work pays off in the future, laziness pays off now.
Half the people you know are below average.
She had a boyfriend with a wooden leg, but broke it off.
How come you can see the stars from the Earth, but you can’t see them when you’re in space?
When everything is coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane.
If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?
Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?
Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
I’d kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.
I am a nobody, and nobody is perfect; therefore I am perfect.
Why does your gynecologist leave the room when you get undressed?
Only in America… can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.
Would a fly without wings be called a walk?
Only in America… do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.
OK, so what’s the speed of dark?
I got a sweater for Christmas…I wanted a screamer or a moaner.
Marathon runners with bad footwear suffer the agony of defeat.
The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.
Can you sentence a homeless man to house arrest?
In democracy it’s your vote that counts. In feudalism it’s your count that votes.
If carrots are so good for the eyes, how come I see so many dead rabbits on the highway?
42.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.
If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?
If a turtle doesn’t have a shell, is he homeless or naked?
Why does the sun lighten our hair, but darkens our skin?
Is there another word for synonym?
When an actress saw her first strands of gray hair she thought she’d dye.
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