What if there were no hypothetical questions?
If croutons are stale bread, why do they come in airtight packages?
When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds.
Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.
Only in America… do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.
Don’t sweat the petty things and don’t pet the sweaty things.
If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?
A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says: “A beer please, and one for the road.”
Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.
If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?
Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?
Where do forest rangers go to “get away from it all?”
If a deaf person swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?
Why isn’t there mouse-flavored cat food?
Alarms: What an octopus is.
A backwards poet writes inverse.
Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?
Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?
Why does the sun lighten our hair, but darkens our skin?
Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?
Where are we going? And what’s with this hand basket?
Isn’t it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do “practice”?
Why is it that to stop Windows 98, you have to click on “Start”?
Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?
Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines?
Can you sentence a homeless man to house arrest?
If you mated a bulldog and a shitsu, would it be called a bulls**t?
Why are they called “stands” when they are made for sitting?
Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
If carrots are so good for the eyes, how come I see so many dead rabbits on the highway?
Borrow money from pessimists – they don’t expect it back.
Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?
Does the Little Mermaid wear an algebra?
I intend to live forever – so far, so good.
Only in America… do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.
Why is it called Alcoholics Anonymous when the first thing you do is stand up and say, ‘My name is Bob, and I am an alcoholic?’
Every calendar’s days are numbered.
Everyday I beat my own previous record for number of consecutive days I’ve stayed alive.
I’d kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.
Santa’s helpers are subordinate clauses.
Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian, any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.
Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft and I’ll show you A-flat minor.
Sign In Chinese Pet Store: “Buy one dog, get one flea…”
If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.
If a man is standing in the middle of the forest speaking and there is no woman around to hear him… is he still wrong?
If you don’t pay your exorcist you get repossessed.
A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.
Half the people you know are below average.
Only in America… do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won’t miss a call from someone we didn’t want to talk to in the first place.
Why are hemorrhoids called “hemorrhoids” instead of “assteroids”?
Local Area Network in Australia: the LAN down under.
When you dream in color, is it a pigment of your imagination?
If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?
Hard work pays off in the future, laziness pays off now.
What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?
The best way to do housework is to sweep the room with a glance.
Is it true that cannibals don’t eat clowns because they taste funny.
If you want the rainbow, you gotta put up with the rain.
With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.
Sea captains don’t like crew cuts.
A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.
When an actress saw her first strands of gray hair she thought she’d dye.
How is it possible to have a civil war?
In democracy it’s your vote that counts. In feudalism it’s your count that votes.
I married my wife for her looks…but not the ones she’s been giving me lately!
A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
Why don’t you ever see the headline “Psychic Wins Lottery”?
Why can’t women put mascara on with their mouth closed?
Why is it called tourist season if we can’t shoot at them?
A plateau is a high form of flattery.
If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest drown, too?
Only in America… do we use the word ‘politics’ to describe the process so well: ‘Poli’ in Latin meaning ‘many’ and ‘tics’ meaning ‘bloodsucking creatures’
If you’re too open-minded; your brains will fall out.
Once you’ve seen one shopping center you’ve seen a mall.
Definition of a will? – a dead giveaway
He had a photographic memory that was never developed.
Only in America… do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.
If a parsley farmer is sued, do they garnish his wages?
Acupuncture is a jab well done.
Why does your gynecologist leave the room when you get undressed?
Only in America… can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.
Dancing cheek-to-cheek is really a form of floor play.
Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?
Why are they called stairs inside but steps outside?
Why isn’t the whole airplane made out of the stuff the black box is made from?
OK, so what’s the speed of dark?
What was the best thing before sliced bread?
Would a fly without wings be called a walk?
Two peanuts walked into a bar. One was a salted.
Marriage changes passion…suddenly you’re in bed with a relative.
Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?
He often broke into song because he couldn’t find the key.
Only in America… do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.
Why does mineral water that ‘has trickled through mountains for centuries’ have a ‘use by’ date?
Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.
If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?
99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
Why do they lock gas station bathrooms?? Are they afraid someone will clean them?
Marathon runners with bad footwear suffer the agony of defeat.
Reading whilst sunbathing makes you well-red.
Banning the bra was a big flop.
Welcome To S**t Creek ~ Sorry, We’re Out of Paddles!
All those who believe in psychokinesis, raise my hand.
Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.
A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.
Why don’t sheep shrink when it rains?
The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.
Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
How do they get the deer to cross at that yellow road sign?
Only in America… are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink.
A bicycle can’t stand on its own because it is two-tired.
I got a sweater for Christmas…I wanted a screamer or a moaner.
The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.
When everything is coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane.
I am a nobody, and nobody is perfect; therefore I am perfect.
If a turtle doesn’t have a shell, is he homeless or naked?
When dog food is new and improved tasting, who tests it?
Those who jump off a Paris bridge are in Seine.
How come you can see the stars from the Earth, but you can’t see them when you’re in space?
Why didn’t Noah swat those two mosquitoes?
What do people in China call their good plates?
I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, “Where’s the self-help section?” She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
Is there another word for synonym?
Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.
Why is it that doctors call what they do “practice”?
Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.
Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?
You feel stuck with your debt if you can’t budge it.
A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?
How do you tell when you’re out of invisible ink?
She had a boyfriend with a wooden leg, but broke it off.
42.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.
If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?
Is French kissing in France just called kissing?
One nice thing about egotists: they don’t talk about other people.
The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
I used to work in a blanket factory, but it folded.
I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.
Why is “abbreviated” such a long word?
Condoms should be used on every conceivable occasion.
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