Only in America… do we use the word ‘politics’ to describe the process so well: ‘Poli’ in Latin meaning ‘many’ and ‘tics’ meaning ‘bloodsucking creatures’
Condoms should be used on every conceivable occasion.
A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.
With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.
Banning the bra was a big flop.
Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
How is it possible to have a civil war?
If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?
Every calendar’s days are numbered.
Why does your gynecologist leave the room when you get undressed?
One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.
Marriage changes passion…suddenly you’re in bed with a relative.
Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian, any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.
Only in America… do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.
The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
I’d kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.
I got a sweater for Christmas…I wanted a screamer or a moaner.
A bicycle can’t stand on its own because it is two-tired.
If a turtle doesn’t have a shell, is he homeless or naked?
If a man is standing in the middle of the forest speaking and there is no woman around to hear him… is he still wrong?
I intend to live forever – so far, so good.
Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?
Why is “abbreviated” such a long word?
Is it true that cannibals don’t eat clowns because they taste funny.
Don’t sweat the petty things and don’t pet the sweaty things.
When everything is coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane.
Why is it that to stop Windows 98, you have to click on “Start”?
A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?
When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds.
A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.
Why isn’t there mouse-flavored cat food?
I used to work in a blanket factory, but it folded.
All those who believe in psychokinesis, raise my hand.
If a deaf person swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?
What was the best thing before sliced bread?
If you’re too open-minded; your brains will fall out.
He had a photographic memory that was never developed.
Why are they called stairs inside but steps outside?
If a parsley farmer is sued, do they garnish his wages?
Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.
A backwards poet writes inverse.
Half the people you know are below average.
Where do forest rangers go to “get away from it all?”
Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?
Everyday I beat my own previous record for number of consecutive days I’ve stayed alive.
How come you can see the stars from the Earth, but you can’t see them when you’re in space?
Why are they called “stands” when they are made for sitting?
Why isn’t the whole airplane made out of the stuff the black box is made from?
If you want the rainbow, you gotta put up with the rain.
Why is it called Alcoholics Anonymous when the first thing you do is stand up and say, ‘My name is Bob, and I am an alcoholic?’
I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.
Sea captains don’t like crew cuts.
Two peanuts walked into a bar. One was a salted.
A plateau is a high form of flattery.
If croutons are stale bread, why do they come in airtight packages?
A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
Santa’s helpers are subordinate clauses.
Why didn’t Noah swat those two mosquitoes?
Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.
Only in America… can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.
Why don’t you ever see the headline “Psychic Wins Lottery”?
Sign In Chinese Pet Store: “Buy one dog, get one flea…”
The best way to do housework is to sweep the room with a glance.
When an actress saw her first strands of gray hair she thought she’d dye.
Why don’t sheep shrink when it rains?
Why is it called tourist season if we can’t shoot at them?
Only in America… are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink.
Why does mineral water that ‘has trickled through mountains for centuries’ have a ‘use by’ date?
99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.
A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.
Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft and I’ll show you A-flat minor.
One nice thing about egotists: they don’t talk about other people.
Why do they lock gas station bathrooms?? Are they afraid someone will clean them?
You feel stuck with your debt if you can’t budge it.
Is there another word for synonym?
A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
Only in America… do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.
In democracy it’s your vote that counts. In feudalism it’s your count that votes.
Those who jump off a Paris bridge are in Seine.
I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, “Where’s the self-help section?” She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
Would a fly without wings be called a walk?
Only in America… do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.
Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.
I married my wife for her looks…but not the ones she’s been giving me lately!
OK, so what’s the speed of dark?
Why does the sun lighten our hair, but darkens our skin?
Can you sentence a homeless man to house arrest?
Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.
Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?
Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines?
Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?
Alarms: What an octopus is.
If you don’t pay your exorcist you get repossessed.
Local Area Network in Australia: the LAN down under.
Only in America… do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.
The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.
Marathon runners with bad footwear suffer the agony of defeat.
Why is it that doctors call what they do “practice”?
A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says: “A beer please, and one for the road.”
Where are we going? And what’s with this hand basket?
Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?
If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?
When dog food is new and improved tasting, who tests it?
Isn’t it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do “practice”?
Why are hemorrhoids called “hemorrhoids” instead of “assteroids”?
What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?
He often broke into song because he couldn’t find the key.
Why can’t women put mascara on with their mouth closed?
Reading whilst sunbathing makes you well-red.
Borrow money from pessimists – they don’t expect it back.
She had a boyfriend with a wooden leg, but broke it off.
How do they get the deer to cross at that yellow road sign?
I am a nobody, and nobody is perfect; therefore I am perfect.
Hard work pays off in the future, laziness pays off now.
If you mated a bulldog and a shitsu, would it be called a bulls**t?
Dancing cheek-to-cheek is really a form of floor play.
If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?
Does the Little Mermaid wear an algebra?
Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?
What if there were no hypothetical questions?
Is French kissing in France just called kissing?
Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
Acupuncture is a jab well done.
Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.
42.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.
Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?
Only in America… do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won’t miss a call from someone we didn’t want to talk to in the first place.
Definition of a will? – a dead giveaway
Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?
If carrots are so good for the eyes, how come I see so many dead rabbits on the highway?
How do you tell when you’re out of invisible ink?
What do people in China call their good plates?
Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?
If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest drown, too?
When you dream in color, is it a pigment of your imagination?
Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.
Once you’ve seen one shopping center you’ve seen a mall.
Welcome To S**t Creek ~ Sorry, We’re Out of Paddles!
If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?
Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?
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