Why does your gynecologist leave the room when you get undressed?
How do you tell when you’re out of invisible ink?
99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
Is it true that cannibals don’t eat clowns because they taste funny.
Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
How do they get the deer to cross at that yellow road sign?
If croutons are stale bread, why do they come in airtight packages?
Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft and I’ll show you A-flat minor.
What do people in China call their good plates?
Dancing cheek-to-cheek is really a form of floor play.
A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.
Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?
OK, so what’s the speed of dark?
Alarms: What an octopus is.
Is French kissing in France just called kissing?
The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.
If a man is standing in the middle of the forest speaking and there is no woman around to hear him… is he still wrong?
If a parsley farmer is sued, do they garnish his wages?
I married my wife for her looks…but not the ones she’s been giving me lately!
Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?
If you don’t pay your exorcist you get repossessed.
Why don’t sheep shrink when it rains?
Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?
Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines?
Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian, any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.
Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?
Only in America… do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won’t miss a call from someone we didn’t want to talk to in the first place.
Why is it that to stop Windows 98, you have to click on “Start”?
Is there another word for synonym?
Why don’t you ever see the headline “Psychic Wins Lottery”?
Every calendar’s days are numbered.
I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.
Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.
Why didn’t Noah swat those two mosquitoes?
With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.
What was the best thing before sliced bread?
If a turtle doesn’t have a shell, is he homeless or naked?
Why does mineral water that ‘has trickled through mountains for centuries’ have a ‘use by’ date?
Welcome To S**t Creek ~ Sorry, We’re Out of Paddles!
The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.
The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.
Why does the sun lighten our hair, but darkens our skin?
A plateau is a high form of flattery.
Why are hemorrhoids called “hemorrhoids” instead of “assteroids”?
Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.
Why do they lock gas station bathrooms?? Are they afraid someone will clean them?
Local Area Network in Australia: the LAN down under.
If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?
If you mated a bulldog and a shitsu, would it be called a bulls**t?
Why is it that doctors call what they do “practice”?
Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?
He often broke into song because he couldn’t find the key.
Definition of a will? – a dead giveaway
How is it possible to have a civil war?
If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?
Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?
A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
Those who jump off a Paris bridge are in Seine.
I’d kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.
Condoms should be used on every conceivable occasion.
Once you’ve seen one shopping center you’ve seen a mall.
Why isn’t the whole airplane made out of the stuff the black box is made from?
I used to work in a blanket factory, but it folded.
Why are they called stairs inside but steps outside?
Two peanuts walked into a bar. One was a salted.
Would a fly without wings be called a walk?
If you’re too open-minded; your brains will fall out.
The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.
Can you sentence a homeless man to house arrest?
Only in America… do we use the word ‘politics’ to describe the process so well: ‘Poli’ in Latin meaning ‘many’ and ‘tics’ meaning ‘bloodsucking creatures’
In democracy it’s your vote that counts. In feudalism it’s your count that votes.
Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.
Reading whilst sunbathing makes you well-red.
Why is it called Alcoholics Anonymous when the first thing you do is stand up and say, ‘My name is Bob, and I am an alcoholic?’
Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.
Why isn’t there mouse-flavored cat food?
When dog food is new and improved tasting, who tests it?
A bicycle can’t stand on its own because it is two-tired.
If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?
Only in America… do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.
How come you can see the stars from the Earth, but you can’t see them when you’re in space?
I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, “Where’s the self-help section?” She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
Marriage changes passion…suddenly you’re in bed with a relative.
Sea captains don’t like crew cuts.
He had a photographic memory that was never developed.
If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?
Everyday I beat my own previous record for number of consecutive days I’ve stayed alive.
Why is it called tourist season if we can’t shoot at them?
42.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.
When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds.
Only in America… do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.
She had a boyfriend with a wooden leg, but broke it off.
Don’t sweat the petty things and don’t pet the sweaty things.
Only in America… do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.
The best way to do housework is to sweep the room with a glance.
A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.
Where do forest rangers go to “get away from it all?”
Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
Isn’t it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do “practice”?
If you want the rainbow, you gotta put up with the rain.
I intend to live forever – so far, so good.
I got a sweater for Christmas…I wanted a screamer or a moaner.
A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.
Banning the bra was a big flop.
You feel stuck with your debt if you can’t budge it.
Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
What if there were no hypothetical questions?
Marathon runners with bad footwear suffer the agony of defeat.
Only in America… are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink.
Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?
Hard work pays off in the future, laziness pays off now.
Only in America… do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.
Borrow money from pessimists – they don’t expect it back.
A backwards poet writes inverse.
Sign In Chinese Pet Store: “Buy one dog, get one flea…”
Why is “abbreviated” such a long word?
One nice thing about egotists: they don’t talk about other people.
When you dream in color, is it a pigment of your imagination?
I am a nobody, and nobody is perfect; therefore I am perfect.
A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says: “A beer please, and one for the road.”
If a deaf person swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?
Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?
When an actress saw her first strands of gray hair she thought she’d dye.
A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
Only in America… can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.
A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
If carrots are so good for the eyes, how come I see so many dead rabbits on the highway?
All those who believe in psychokinesis, raise my hand.
Why can’t women put mascara on with their mouth closed?
If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest drown, too?
Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.
Does the Little Mermaid wear an algebra?
Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?
Where are we going? And what’s with this hand basket?
What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?
If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?
Santa’s helpers are subordinate clauses.
Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?
When everything is coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane.
Acupuncture is a jab well done.
Half the people you know are below average.
Why are they called “stands” when they are made for sitting?
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