Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.
Marriage changes passion…suddenly you’re in bed with a relative.
Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.
Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?
A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
Why didn’t Noah swat those two mosquitoes?
Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?
What do people in China call their good plates?
Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
Marathon runners with bad footwear suffer the agony of defeat.
I got a sweater for Christmas…I wanted a screamer or a moaner.
Is French kissing in France just called kissing?
The best way to do housework is to sweep the room with a glance.
Is it true that cannibals don’t eat clowns because they taste funny.
The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.
Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?
I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, “Where’s the self-help section?” She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
Why do they lock gas station bathrooms?? Are they afraid someone will clean them?
A backwards poet writes inverse.
If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest drown, too?
I am a nobody, and nobody is perfect; therefore I am perfect.
I married my wife for her looks…but not the ones she’s been giving me lately!
The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.
If you mated a bulldog and a shitsu, would it be called a bulls**t?
One nice thing about egotists: they don’t talk about other people.
A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says: “A beer please, and one for the road.”
Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.
The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.
Alarms: What an octopus is.
If carrots are so good for the eyes, how come I see so many dead rabbits on the highway?
A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.
Only in America… do we use the word ‘politics’ to describe the process so well: ‘Poli’ in Latin meaning ‘many’ and ‘tics’ meaning ‘bloodsucking creatures’
Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian, any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.
Why are hemorrhoids called “hemorrhoids” instead of “assteroids”?
Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
Everyday I beat my own previous record for number of consecutive days I’ve stayed alive.
Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft and I’ll show you A-flat minor.
I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.
99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
Why are they called “stands” when they are made for sitting?
A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.
You feel stuck with your debt if you can’t budge it.
Only in America… do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.
Why does mineral water that ‘has trickled through mountains for centuries’ have a ‘use by’ date?
Acupuncture is a jab well done.
Half the people you know are below average.
What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?
Only in America… do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.
Hard work pays off in the future, laziness pays off now.
42.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.
Why is it that doctors call what they do “practice”?
Why is it called Alcoholics Anonymous when the first thing you do is stand up and say, ‘My name is Bob, and I am an alcoholic?’
Only in America… do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.
What was the best thing before sliced bread?
A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.
When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds.
Only in America… do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won’t miss a call from someone we didn’t want to talk to in the first place.
Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?
A bicycle can’t stand on its own because it is two-tired.
If a turtle doesn’t have a shell, is he homeless or naked?
Two peanuts walked into a bar. One was a salted.
I intend to live forever – so far, so good.
Why are they called stairs inside but steps outside?
Borrow money from pessimists – they don’t expect it back.
Why don’t sheep shrink when it rains?
Only in America… are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink.
He often broke into song because he couldn’t find the key.
Sign In Chinese Pet Store: “Buy one dog, get one flea…”
In democracy it’s your vote that counts. In feudalism it’s your count that votes.
If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?
Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?
Definition of a will? – a dead giveaway
Banning the bra was a big flop.
Those who jump off a Paris bridge are in Seine.
What if there were no hypothetical questions?
Does the Little Mermaid wear an algebra?
How do they get the deer to cross at that yellow road sign?
One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.
Isn’t it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do “practice”?
Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.
If a parsley farmer is sued, do they garnish his wages?
With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.
Is there another word for synonym?
When dog food is new and improved tasting, who tests it?
Welcome To S**t Creek ~ Sorry, We’re Out of Paddles!
If you’re too open-minded; your brains will fall out.
Condoms should be used on every conceivable occasion.
All those who believe in psychokinesis, raise my hand.
I used to work in a blanket factory, but it folded.
Would a fly without wings be called a walk?
A plateau is a high form of flattery.
Why isn’t there mouse-flavored cat food?
She had a boyfriend with a wooden leg, but broke it off.
Why is it called tourist season if we can’t shoot at them?
A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
Local Area Network in Australia: the LAN down under.
When everything is coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane.
Can you sentence a homeless man to house arrest?
If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?
If croutons are stale bread, why do they come in airtight packages?
Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?
Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?
Why does the sun lighten our hair, but darkens our skin?
Where do forest rangers go to “get away from it all?”
How is it possible to have a civil war?
Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?
Why is it that to stop Windows 98, you have to click on “Start”?
Only in America… can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.
Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?
Sea captains don’t like crew cuts.
When an actress saw her first strands of gray hair she thought she’d dye.
If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?
If you don’t pay your exorcist you get repossessed.
Why does your gynecologist leave the room when you get undressed?
Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines?
Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?
If you want the rainbow, you gotta put up with the rain.
He had a photographic memory that was never developed.
Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?
When you dream in color, is it a pigment of your imagination?
If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?
Dancing cheek-to-cheek is really a form of floor play.
If a deaf person swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?
Why is “abbreviated” such a long word?
Where are we going? And what’s with this hand basket?
Why can’t women put mascara on with their mouth closed?
How do you tell when you’re out of invisible ink?
How come you can see the stars from the Earth, but you can’t see them when you’re in space?
Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
Reading whilst sunbathing makes you well-red.
I’d kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.
If a man is standing in the middle of the forest speaking and there is no woman around to hear him… is he still wrong?
Don’t sweat the petty things and don’t pet the sweaty things.
Why don’t you ever see the headline “Psychic Wins Lottery”?
Santa’s helpers are subordinate clauses.
Every calendar’s days are numbered.
OK, so what’s the speed of dark?
If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.
Why isn’t the whole airplane made out of the stuff the black box is made from?
Once you’ve seen one shopping center you’ve seen a mall.
Only in America… do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.
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