Why is “abbreviated” such a long word?
Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?
What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?
How do they get the deer to cross at that yellow road sign?
A bicycle can’t stand on its own because it is two-tired.
The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
Where do forest rangers go to “get away from it all?”
Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?
If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?
Acupuncture is a jab well done.
Don’t sweat the petty things and don’t pet the sweaty things.
Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines?
Isn’t it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do “practice”?
Once you’ve seen one shopping center you’ve seen a mall.
If carrots are so good for the eyes, how come I see so many dead rabbits on the highway?
Banning the bra was a big flop.
Borrow money from pessimists – they don’t expect it back.
Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
Where are we going? And what’s with this hand basket?
Why are they called “stands” when they are made for sitting?
I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.
What do people in China call their good plates?
Only in America… do we use the word ‘politics’ to describe the process so well: ‘Poli’ in Latin meaning ‘many’ and ‘tics’ meaning ‘bloodsucking creatures’
A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.
Only in America… do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.
A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.
Why isn’t the whole airplane made out of the stuff the black box is made from?
Why is it that to stop Windows 98, you have to click on “Start”?
Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?
Two peanuts walked into a bar. One was a salted.
Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian, any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.
When an actress saw her first strands of gray hair she thought she’d dye.
Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?
Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
Why are they called stairs inside but steps outside?
A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says: “A beer please, and one for the road.”
Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.
Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?
Only in America… do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.
I’d kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.
Would a fly without wings be called a walk?
Those who jump off a Paris bridge are in Seine.
Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?
One nice thing about egotists: they don’t talk about other people.
Why can’t women put mascara on with their mouth closed?
How do you tell when you’re out of invisible ink?
Welcome To S**t Creek ~ Sorry, We’re Out of Paddles!
How is it possible to have a civil war?
Every calendar’s days are numbered.
A backwards poet writes inverse.
With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.
I married my wife for her looks…but not the ones she’s been giving me lately!
Marathon runners with bad footwear suffer the agony of defeat.
The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.
Why isn’t there mouse-flavored cat food?
Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft and I’ll show you A-flat minor.
What if there were no hypothetical questions?
Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?
Local Area Network in Australia: the LAN down under.
I am a nobody, and nobody is perfect; therefore I am perfect.
If you’re too open-minded; your brains will fall out.
Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.
What was the best thing before sliced bread?
Is there another word for synonym?
Santa’s helpers are subordinate clauses.
Sign In Chinese Pet Store: “Buy one dog, get one flea…”
Only in America… do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.
He often broke into song because he couldn’t find the key.
A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.
If a parsley farmer is sued, do they garnish his wages?
The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.
Why does mineral water that ‘has trickled through mountains for centuries’ have a ‘use by’ date?
Why does the sun lighten our hair, but darkens our skin?
Why don’t you ever see the headline “Psychic Wins Lottery”?
Reading whilst sunbathing makes you well-red.
If you don’t pay your exorcist you get repossessed.
A plateau is a high form of flattery.
Alarms: What an octopus is.
A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
Why is it that doctors call what they do “practice”?
Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?
In democracy it’s your vote that counts. In feudalism it’s your count that votes.
I got a sweater for Christmas…I wanted a screamer or a moaner.
Does the Little Mermaid wear an algebra?
Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
Why didn’t Noah swat those two mosquitoes?
If a deaf person swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?
He had a photographic memory that was never developed.
She had a boyfriend with a wooden leg, but broke it off.
I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, “Where’s the self-help section?” She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
Everyday I beat my own previous record for number of consecutive days I’ve stayed alive.
If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?
Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.
Why do they lock gas station bathrooms?? Are they afraid someone will clean them?
Only in America… are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink.
If a turtle doesn’t have a shell, is he homeless or naked?
Only in America… do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.
Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.
The best way to do housework is to sweep the room with a glance.
When everything is coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane.
When you dream in color, is it a pigment of your imagination?
I used to work in a blanket factory, but it folded.
If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?
Why is it called tourist season if we can’t shoot at them?
Is French kissing in France just called kissing?
Can you sentence a homeless man to house arrest?
The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.
I intend to live forever – so far, so good.
Why does your gynecologist leave the room when you get undressed?
Hard work pays off in the future, laziness pays off now.
When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds.
Only in America… do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won’t miss a call from someone we didn’t want to talk to in the first place.
Dancing cheek-to-cheek is really a form of floor play.
Definition of a will? – a dead giveaway
Sea captains don’t like crew cuts.
If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest drown, too?
If you want the rainbow, you gotta put up with the rain.
If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?
If a man is standing in the middle of the forest speaking and there is no woman around to hear him… is he still wrong?
Why don’t sheep shrink when it rains?
If you mated a bulldog and a shitsu, would it be called a bulls**t?
Is it true that cannibals don’t eat clowns because they taste funny.
If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?
Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?
You feel stuck with your debt if you can’t budge it.
Why are hemorrhoids called “hemorrhoids” instead of “assteroids”?
A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?
When dog food is new and improved tasting, who tests it?
A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.
Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.
If croutons are stale bread, why do they come in airtight packages?
Why is it called Alcoholics Anonymous when the first thing you do is stand up and say, ‘My name is Bob, and I am an alcoholic?’
Only in America… can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.
99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
Half the people you know are below average.
Marriage changes passion…suddenly you’re in bed with a relative.
Condoms should be used on every conceivable occasion.
All those who believe in psychokinesis, raise my hand.
42.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.
OK, so what’s the speed of dark?
How come you can see the stars from the Earth, but you can’t see them when you’re in space?
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