If croutons are stale bread, why do they come in airtight packages?
Alarms: What an octopus is.
A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.
Dancing cheek-to-cheek is really a form of floor play.
Where are we going? And what’s with this hand basket?
OK, so what’s the speed of dark?
Sign In Chinese Pet Store: “Buy one dog, get one flea…”
Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
Why does the sun lighten our hair, but darkens our skin?
If a deaf person swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?
All those who believe in psychokinesis, raise my hand.
Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?
In democracy it’s your vote that counts. In feudalism it’s your count that votes.
42.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.
Don’t sweat the petty things and don’t pet the sweaty things.
99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
Hard work pays off in the future, laziness pays off now.
Isn’t it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do “practice”?
Why don’t you ever see the headline “Psychic Wins Lottery”?
When everything is coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane.
Why does mineral water that ‘has trickled through mountains for centuries’ have a ‘use by’ date?
Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?
You feel stuck with your debt if you can’t budge it.
Sea captains don’t like crew cuts.
I married my wife for her looks…but not the ones she’s been giving me lately!
Borrow money from pessimists – they don’t expect it back.
What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?
Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?
Everyday I beat my own previous record for number of consecutive days I’ve stayed alive.
He had a photographic memory that was never developed.
Two peanuts walked into a bar. One was a salted.
Why is it called Alcoholics Anonymous when the first thing you do is stand up and say, ‘My name is Bob, and I am an alcoholic?’
Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian, any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.
If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest drown, too?
I’d kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.
Why does your gynecologist leave the room when you get undressed?
Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft and I’ll show you A-flat minor.
Local Area Network in Australia: the LAN down under.
Banning the bra was a big flop.
The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.
If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.
How do they get the deer to cross at that yellow road sign?
I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.
Why is it that doctors call what they do “practice”?
Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?
Why is “abbreviated” such a long word?
Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?
Why isn’t the whole airplane made out of the stuff the black box is made from?
A backwards poet writes inverse.
Where do forest rangers go to “get away from it all?”
Only in America… do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.
What was the best thing before sliced bread?
Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines?
Only in America… do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.
Santa’s helpers are subordinate clauses.
I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, “Where’s the self-help section?” She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
I got a sweater for Christmas…I wanted a screamer or a moaner.
Only in America… do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.
How do you tell when you’re out of invisible ink?
Only in America… do we use the word ‘politics’ to describe the process so well: ‘Poli’ in Latin meaning ‘many’ and ‘tics’ meaning ‘bloodsucking creatures’
Only in America… are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink.
The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.
Why is it called tourist season if we can’t shoot at them?
Is French kissing in France just called kissing?
What if there were no hypothetical questions?
Marriage changes passion…suddenly you’re in bed with a relative.
Every calendar’s days are numbered.
Those who jump off a Paris bridge are in Seine.
Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?
If you’re too open-minded; your brains will fall out.
Is there another word for synonym?
Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?
If a turtle doesn’t have a shell, is he homeless or naked?
Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?
Condoms should be used on every conceivable occasion.
Why are they called stairs inside but steps outside?
Marathon runners with bad footwear suffer the agony of defeat.
Reading whilst sunbathing makes you well-red.
Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?
One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.
A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.
Only in America… do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won’t miss a call from someone we didn’t want to talk to in the first place.
One nice thing about egotists: they don’t talk about other people.
If carrots are so good for the eyes, how come I see so many dead rabbits on the highway?
If a parsley farmer is sued, do they garnish his wages?
How come you can see the stars from the Earth, but you can’t see them when you’re in space?
With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.
She had a boyfriend with a wooden leg, but broke it off.
Why don’t sheep shrink when it rains?
Once you’ve seen one shopping center you’ve seen a mall.
A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.
Acupuncture is a jab well done.
Is it true that cannibals don’t eat clowns because they taste funny.
Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.
If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?
Why can’t women put mascara on with their mouth closed?
If you want the rainbow, you gotta put up with the rain.
Why is it that to stop Windows 98, you have to click on “Start”?
Half the people you know are below average.
A plateau is a high form of flattery.
A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?
I intend to live forever – so far, so good.
When you dream in color, is it a pigment of your imagination?
If a man is standing in the middle of the forest speaking and there is no woman around to hear him… is he still wrong?
A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.
Why are they called “stands” when they are made for sitting?
Does the Little Mermaid wear an algebra?
When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds.
Only in America… do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.
Why didn’t Noah swat those two mosquitoes?
Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.
Why isn’t there mouse-flavored cat food?
If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?
A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.
Welcome To S**t Creek ~ Sorry, We’re Out of Paddles!
If you mated a bulldog and a shitsu, would it be called a bulls**t?
What do people in China call their good plates?
If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?
If you don’t pay your exorcist you get repossessed.
Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?
Why do they lock gas station bathrooms?? Are they afraid someone will clean them?
Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
When dog food is new and improved tasting, who tests it?
The best way to do housework is to sweep the room with a glance.
How is it possible to have a civil war?
I am a nobody, and nobody is perfect; therefore I am perfect.
He often broke into song because he couldn’t find the key.
Would a fly without wings be called a walk?
A bicycle can’t stand on its own because it is two-tired.
Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?
Why are hemorrhoids called “hemorrhoids” instead of “assteroids”?
Only in America… can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.
Can you sentence a homeless man to house arrest?
A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says: “A beer please, and one for the road.”
The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.
When an actress saw her first strands of gray hair she thought she’d dye.
Definition of a will? – a dead giveaway
The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
I used to work in a blanket factory, but it folded.
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