The best way to do housework is to sweep the room with a glance.
If you mated a bulldog and a shitsu, would it be called a bulls**t?
Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.
Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?
Sea captains don’t like crew cuts.
A bicycle can’t stand on its own because it is two-tired.
What was the best thing before sliced bread?
Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft and I’ll show you A-flat minor.
Only in America… do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.
If a man is standing in the middle of the forest speaking and there is no woman around to hear him… is he still wrong?
Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?
Is it true that cannibals don’t eat clowns because they taste funny.
Why don’t you ever see the headline “Psychic Wins Lottery”?
If you don’t pay your exorcist you get repossessed.
A backwards poet writes inverse.
If a parsley farmer is sued, do they garnish his wages?
If you want the rainbow, you gotta put up with the rain.
When dog food is new and improved tasting, who tests it?
When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds.
What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?
The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.
What if there were no hypothetical questions?
If carrots are so good for the eyes, how come I see so many dead rabbits on the highway?
Why is it that doctors call what they do “practice”?
I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.
Sign In Chinese Pet Store: “Buy one dog, get one flea…”
Banning the bra was a big flop.
If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?
Half the people you know are below average.
Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?
Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?
A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?
Why didn’t Noah swat those two mosquitoes?
Dancing cheek-to-cheek is really a form of floor play.
Why are hemorrhoids called “hemorrhoids” instead of “assteroids”?
I got a sweater for Christmas…I wanted a screamer or a moaner.
Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?
Is there another word for synonym?
Definition of a will? – a dead giveaway
I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, “Where’s the self-help section?” She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.
The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.
Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
Borrow money from pessimists – they don’t expect it back.
Only in America… do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.
Condoms should be used on every conceivable occasion.
When an actress saw her first strands of gray hair she thought she’d dye.
He had a photographic memory that was never developed.
Welcome To S**t Creek ~ Sorry, We’re Out of Paddles!
99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
Why is it that to stop Windows 98, you have to click on “Start”?
If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.
All those who believe in psychokinesis, raise my hand.
Marriage changes passion…suddenly you’re in bed with a relative.
Everyday I beat my own previous record for number of consecutive days I’ve stayed alive.
I used to work in a blanket factory, but it folded.
A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
Why are they called stairs inside but steps outside?
Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
When everything is coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane.
Only in America… can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.
Two peanuts walked into a bar. One was a salted.
If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?
Is French kissing in France just called kissing?
If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?
Why does mineral water that ‘has trickled through mountains for centuries’ have a ‘use by’ date?
Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?
Why does your gynecologist leave the room when you get undressed?
If a turtle doesn’t have a shell, is he homeless or naked?
One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.
Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.
Only in America… do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won’t miss a call from someone we didn’t want to talk to in the first place.
Don’t sweat the petty things and don’t pet the sweaty things.
Does the Little Mermaid wear an algebra?
The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.
Only in America… do we use the word ‘politics’ to describe the process so well: ‘Poli’ in Latin meaning ‘many’ and ‘tics’ meaning ‘bloodsucking creatures’
Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?
OK, so what’s the speed of dark?
A plateau is a high form of flattery.
Can you sentence a homeless man to house arrest?
Why isn’t the whole airplane made out of the stuff the black box is made from?
Marathon runners with bad footwear suffer the agony of defeat.
She had a boyfriend with a wooden leg, but broke it off.
Local Area Network in Australia: the LAN down under.
If you’re too open-minded; your brains will fall out.
Reading whilst sunbathing makes you well-red.
Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.
Santa’s helpers are subordinate clauses.
Why don’t sheep shrink when it rains?
How do you tell when you’re out of invisible ink?
Once you’ve seen one shopping center you’ve seen a mall.
Every calendar’s days are numbered.
Hard work pays off in the future, laziness pays off now.
I’d kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.
Where do forest rangers go to “get away from it all?”
The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
Only in America… do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.
Why is “abbreviated” such a long word?
When you dream in color, is it a pigment of your imagination?
How come you can see the stars from the Earth, but you can’t see them when you’re in space?
Why is it called Alcoholics Anonymous when the first thing you do is stand up and say, ‘My name is Bob, and I am an alcoholic?’
I married my wife for her looks…but not the ones she’s been giving me lately!
Why does the sun lighten our hair, but darkens our skin?
Why isn’t there mouse-flavored cat food?
Alarms: What an octopus is.
Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
In democracy it’s your vote that counts. In feudalism it’s your count that votes.
Would a fly without wings be called a walk?
I am a nobody, and nobody is perfect; therefore I am perfect.
What do people in China call their good plates?
If a deaf person swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?
Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?
Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?
Why are they called “stands” when they are made for sitting?
How do they get the deer to cross at that yellow road sign?
Why do they lock gas station bathrooms?? Are they afraid someone will clean them?
If croutons are stale bread, why do they come in airtight packages?
One nice thing about egotists: they don’t talk about other people.
Acupuncture is a jab well done.
A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.
Why is it called tourist season if we can’t shoot at them?
A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says: “A beer please, and one for the road.”
Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian, any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.
Where are we going? And what’s with this hand basket?
Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines?
A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.
Isn’t it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do “practice”?
42.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.
I intend to live forever – so far, so good.
You feel stuck with your debt if you can’t budge it.
If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?
He often broke into song because he couldn’t find the key.
A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.
Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?
Only in America… are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink.
How is it possible to have a civil war?
Only in America… do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.
A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
Those who jump off a Paris bridge are in Seine.
With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.
If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest drown, too?
Why can’t women put mascara on with their mouth closed?
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