Everyday I beat my own previous record for number of consecutive days I’ve stayed alive.
Only in America… are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink.
Alarms: What an octopus is.
A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.
Why is it that to stop Windows 98, you have to click on “Start”?
42.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.
Where are we going? And what’s with this hand basket?
How come you can see the stars from the Earth, but you can’t see them when you’re in space?
Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.
Is there another word for synonym?
Why is it called tourist season if we can’t shoot at them?
Santa’s helpers are subordinate clauses.
Only in America… do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.
What do people in China call their good plates?
I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, “Where’s the self-help section?” She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
Is it true that cannibals don’t eat clowns because they taste funny.
Definition of a will? – a dead giveaway
Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.
Every calendar’s days are numbered.
Why does the sun lighten our hair, but darkens our skin?
The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.
Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines?
If you want the rainbow, you gotta put up with the rain.
I’d kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.
If you don’t pay your exorcist you get repossessed.
Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?
The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
Hard work pays off in the future, laziness pays off now.
If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?
The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.
A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
If a man is standing in the middle of the forest speaking and there is no woman around to hear him… is he still wrong?
All those who believe in psychokinesis, raise my hand.
With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.
If carrots are so good for the eyes, how come I see so many dead rabbits on the highway?
When dog food is new and improved tasting, who tests it?
One nice thing about egotists: they don’t talk about other people.
A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft and I’ll show you A-flat minor.
I intend to live forever – so far, so good.
If croutons are stale bread, why do they come in airtight packages?
Why are hemorrhoids called “hemorrhoids” instead of “assteroids”?
Why is “abbreviated” such a long word?
Two peanuts walked into a bar. One was a salted.
The best way to do housework is to sweep the room with a glance.
Sign In Chinese Pet Store: “Buy one dog, get one flea…”
Don’t sweat the petty things and don’t pet the sweaty things.
Only in America… do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.
He had a photographic memory that was never developed.
Why are they called stairs inside but steps outside?
When you dream in color, is it a pigment of your imagination?
Welcome To S**t Creek ~ Sorry, We’re Out of Paddles!
Only in America… do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.
Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
OK, so what’s the speed of dark?
Why is it called Alcoholics Anonymous when the first thing you do is stand up and say, ‘My name is Bob, and I am an alcoholic?’
Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
Where do forest rangers go to “get away from it all?”
Once you’ve seen one shopping center you’ve seen a mall.
Dancing cheek-to-cheek is really a form of floor play.
Only in America… do we use the word ‘politics’ to describe the process so well: ‘Poli’ in Latin meaning ‘many’ and ‘tics’ meaning ‘bloodsucking creatures’
If a parsley farmer is sued, do they garnish his wages?
If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?
Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?
Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?
Half the people you know are below average.
Reading whilst sunbathing makes you well-red.
Banning the bra was a big flop.
I married my wife for her looks…but not the ones she’s been giving me lately!
A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.
When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds.
99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
Does the Little Mermaid wear an algebra?
If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest drown, too?
Why isn’t the whole airplane made out of the stuff the black box is made from?
Isn’t it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do “practice”?
Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian, any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.
Only in America… can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.
Why isn’t there mouse-flavored cat food?
Only in America… do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.
A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
If you mated a bulldog and a shitsu, would it be called a bulls**t?
If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?
One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.
A plateau is a high form of flattery.
Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.
Those who jump off a Paris bridge are in Seine.
If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?
If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.
Why can’t women put mascara on with their mouth closed?
How do they get the deer to cross at that yellow road sign?
Why does your gynecologist leave the room when you get undressed?
Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?
Only in America… do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won’t miss a call from someone we didn’t want to talk to in the first place.
In democracy it’s your vote that counts. In feudalism it’s your count that votes.
Why didn’t Noah swat those two mosquitoes?
I used to work in a blanket factory, but it folded.
Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.
She had a boyfriend with a wooden leg, but broke it off.
Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?
Why is it that doctors call what they do “practice”?
What was the best thing before sliced bread?
How do you tell when you’re out of invisible ink?
When everything is coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane.
Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
I am a nobody, and nobody is perfect; therefore I am perfect.
Condoms should be used on every conceivable occasion.
When an actress saw her first strands of gray hair she thought she’d dye.
Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?
Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?
If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?
Marathon runners with bad footwear suffer the agony of defeat.
Why are they called “stands” when they are made for sitting?
If a deaf person swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?
How is it possible to have a civil war?
Local Area Network in Australia: the LAN down under.
A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.
A bicycle can’t stand on its own because it is two-tired.
He often broke into song because he couldn’t find the key.
A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says: “A beer please, and one for the road.”
If a turtle doesn’t have a shell, is he homeless or naked?
If you’re too open-minded; your brains will fall out.
Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?
Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?
Why don’t sheep shrink when it rains?
The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.
Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?
Is French kissing in France just called kissing?
Borrow money from pessimists – they don’t expect it back.
What if there were no hypothetical questions?
What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?
Acupuncture is a jab well done.
Sea captains don’t like crew cuts.
A backwards poet writes inverse.
You feel stuck with your debt if you can’t budge it.
I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.
Why don’t you ever see the headline “Psychic Wins Lottery”?
Why do they lock gas station bathrooms?? Are they afraid someone will clean them?
Would a fly without wings be called a walk?
Marriage changes passion…suddenly you’re in bed with a relative.
Why does mineral water that ‘has trickled through mountains for centuries’ have a ‘use by’ date?
I got a sweater for Christmas…I wanted a screamer or a moaner.
Can you sentence a homeless man to house arrest?
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