He had a photographic memory that was never developed.
If carrots are so good for the eyes, how come I see so many dead rabbits on the highway?
Half the people you know are below average.
When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds.
I intend to live forever – so far, so good.
I got a sweater for Christmas…I wanted a screamer or a moaner.
How come you can see the stars from the Earth, but you can’t see them when you’re in space?
Only in America… are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink.
Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.
Where are we going? And what’s with this hand basket?
All those who believe in psychokinesis, raise my hand.
How do you tell when you’re out of invisible ink?
If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?
If a deaf person swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?
Definition of a will? – a dead giveaway
Why can’t women put mascara on with their mouth closed?
Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?
A backwards poet writes inverse.
One nice thing about egotists: they don’t talk about other people.
Condoms should be used on every conceivable occasion.
When an actress saw her first strands of gray hair she thought she’d dye.
A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.
Those who jump off a Paris bridge are in Seine.
When everything is coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane.
Borrow money from pessimists – they don’t expect it back.
Why isn’t the whole airplane made out of the stuff the black box is made from?
Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines?
Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
I married my wife for her looks…but not the ones she’s been giving me lately!
Dancing cheek-to-cheek is really a form of floor play.
Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.
Why is “abbreviated” such a long word?
Sea captains don’t like crew cuts.
Santa’s helpers are subordinate clauses.
A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.
I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.
Isn’t it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do “practice”?
Why does the sun lighten our hair, but darkens our skin?
The best way to do housework is to sweep the room with a glance.
A bicycle can’t stand on its own because it is two-tired.
Every calendar’s days are numbered.
Why are they called “stands” when they are made for sitting?
One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.
Local Area Network in Australia: the LAN down under.
Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
Only in America… do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won’t miss a call from someone we didn’t want to talk to in the first place.
Only in America… do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.
Why are they called stairs inside but steps outside?
Only in America… can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.
In democracy it’s your vote that counts. In feudalism it’s your count that votes.
42.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.
I am a nobody, and nobody is perfect; therefore I am perfect.
If a turtle doesn’t have a shell, is he homeless or naked?
Don’t sweat the petty things and don’t pet the sweaty things.
Is it true that cannibals don’t eat clowns because they taste funny.
Only in America… do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.
When dog food is new and improved tasting, who tests it?
Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft and I’ll show you A-flat minor.
Is French kissing in France just called kissing?
Welcome To S**t Creek ~ Sorry, We’re Out of Paddles!
A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?
She had a boyfriend with a wooden leg, but broke it off.
If you’re too open-minded; your brains will fall out.
If a parsley farmer is sued, do they garnish his wages?
Two peanuts walked into a bar. One was a salted.
A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?
OK, so what’s the speed of dark?
If you want the rainbow, you gotta put up with the rain.
Why didn’t Noah swat those two mosquitoes?
Why don’t you ever see the headline “Psychic Wins Lottery”?
If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.
If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?
Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?
Why is it called Alcoholics Anonymous when the first thing you do is stand up and say, ‘My name is Bob, and I am an alcoholic?’
When you dream in color, is it a pigment of your imagination?
Sign In Chinese Pet Store: “Buy one dog, get one flea…”
Only in America… do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.
The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
What if there were no hypothetical questions?
Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?
If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?
Can you sentence a homeless man to house arrest?
How do they get the deer to cross at that yellow road sign?
Once you’ve seen one shopping center you’ve seen a mall.
If you don’t pay your exorcist you get repossessed.
How is it possible to have a civil war?
He often broke into song because he couldn’t find the key.
Why are hemorrhoids called “hemorrhoids” instead of “assteroids”?
Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian, any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.
Would a fly without wings be called a walk?
A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says: “A beer please, and one for the road.”
Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
Only in America… do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.
Acupuncture is a jab well done.
The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.
Alarms: What an octopus is.
Marathon runners with bad footwear suffer the agony of defeat.
Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
Why does your gynecologist leave the room when you get undressed?
Why do they lock gas station bathrooms?? Are they afraid someone will clean them?
Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.
Why does mineral water that ‘has trickled through mountains for centuries’ have a ‘use by’ date?
If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest drown, too?
If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?
Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?
With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.
Hard work pays off in the future, laziness pays off now.
A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.
Does the Little Mermaid wear an algebra?
Marriage changes passion…suddenly you’re in bed with a relative.
Is there another word for synonym?
What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?
You feel stuck with your debt if you can’t budge it.
Why is it called tourist season if we can’t shoot at them?
Reading whilst sunbathing makes you well-red.
If you mated a bulldog and a shitsu, would it be called a bulls**t?
Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?
Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.
Only in America… do we use the word ‘politics’ to describe the process so well: ‘Poli’ in Latin meaning ‘many’ and ‘tics’ meaning ‘bloodsucking creatures’
Why isn’t there mouse-flavored cat food?
I used to work in a blanket factory, but it folded.
Why is it that doctors call what they do “practice”?
Why don’t sheep shrink when it rains?
Banning the bra was a big flop.
Where do forest rangers go to “get away from it all?”
What do people in China call their good plates?
A plateau is a high form of flattery.
The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.
The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.
99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
I’d kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.
Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?
Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?
Why is it that to stop Windows 98, you have to click on “Start”?
I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, “Where’s the self-help section?” She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
If croutons are stale bread, why do they come in airtight packages?
If a man is standing in the middle of the forest speaking and there is no woman around to hear him… is he still wrong?
A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
Everyday I beat my own previous record for number of consecutive days I’ve stayed alive.
What was the best thing before sliced bread?
Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?
Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?
Select what you want to see from the menu below.
Click on the foremost image to enlarge or to see more information.