How is it possible to have a civil war?
If you mated a bulldog and a shitsu, would it be called a bulls**t?
Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft and I’ll show you A-flat minor.
What if there were no hypothetical questions?
Would a fly without wings be called a walk?
One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.
The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.
If you’re too open-minded; your brains will fall out.
Alarms: What an octopus is.
Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?
Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.
When everything is coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane.
Why is it that to stop Windows 98, you have to click on “Start”?
Why does the sun lighten our hair, but darkens our skin?
You feel stuck with your debt if you can’t budge it.
A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?
A backwards poet writes inverse.
Sign In Chinese Pet Store: “Buy one dog, get one flea…”
Why can’t women put mascara on with their mouth closed?
Isn’t it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do “practice”?
If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?
When an actress saw her first strands of gray hair she thought she’d dye.
Marathon runners with bad footwear suffer the agony of defeat.
If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest drown, too?
Only in America… do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.
Half the people you know are below average.
Don’t sweat the petty things and don’t pet the sweaty things.
Why isn’t the whole airplane made out of the stuff the black box is made from?
When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds.
Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines?
Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?
Welcome To S**t Creek ~ Sorry, We’re Out of Paddles!
If a man is standing in the middle of the forest speaking and there is no woman around to hear him… is he still wrong?
I intend to live forever – so far, so good.
How do you tell when you’re out of invisible ink?
I married my wife for her looks…but not the ones she’s been giving me lately!
I’d kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.
Local Area Network in Australia: the LAN down under.
What do people in China call their good plates?
Dancing cheek-to-cheek is really a form of floor play.
Acupuncture is a jab well done.
Only in America… do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.
99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.
If a parsley farmer is sued, do they garnish his wages?
42.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.
Why don’t sheep shrink when it rains?
Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?
Two peanuts walked into a bar. One was a salted.
The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.
If a deaf person swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?
Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
I got a sweater for Christmas…I wanted a screamer or a moaner.
Only in America… do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won’t miss a call from someone we didn’t want to talk to in the first place.
Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.
I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, “Where’s the self-help section?” She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
He often broke into song because he couldn’t find the key.
When you dream in color, is it a pigment of your imagination?
I used to work in a blanket factory, but it folded.
If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.
Only in America… do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.
Why is it called tourist season if we can’t shoot at them?
Those who jump off a Paris bridge are in Seine.
A bicycle can’t stand on its own because it is two-tired.
Santa’s helpers are subordinate clauses.
Why are they called “stands” when they are made for sitting?
If you don’t pay your exorcist you get repossessed.
I am a nobody, and nobody is perfect; therefore I am perfect.
If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?
Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
Is it true that cannibals don’t eat clowns because they taste funny.
Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?
She had a boyfriend with a wooden leg, but broke it off.
Everyday I beat my own previous record for number of consecutive days I’ve stayed alive.
Why is it called Alcoholics Anonymous when the first thing you do is stand up and say, ‘My name is Bob, and I am an alcoholic?’
Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?
One nice thing about egotists: they don’t talk about other people.
Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?
Why is it that doctors call what they do “practice”?
Only in America… can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.
Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?
If a turtle doesn’t have a shell, is he homeless or naked?
A plateau is a high form of flattery.
Definition of a will? – a dead giveaway
Every calendar’s days are numbered.
Why does your gynecologist leave the room when you get undressed?
Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?
How come you can see the stars from the Earth, but you can’t see them when you’re in space?
I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.
Reading whilst sunbathing makes you well-red.
Once you’ve seen one shopping center you’ve seen a mall.
With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.
Borrow money from pessimists – they don’t expect it back.
Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?
When dog food is new and improved tasting, who tests it?
A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian, any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.
A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says: “A beer please, and one for the road.”
OK, so what’s the speed of dark?
Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.
In democracy it’s your vote that counts. In feudalism it’s your count that votes.
Why do they lock gas station bathrooms?? Are they afraid someone will clean them?
Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?
Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
Why didn’t Noah swat those two mosquitoes?
If you want the rainbow, you gotta put up with the rain.
Banning the bra was a big flop.
Sea captains don’t like crew cuts.
Marriage changes passion…suddenly you’re in bed with a relative.
If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?
How do they get the deer to cross at that yellow road sign?
Why are hemorrhoids called “hemorrhoids” instead of “assteroids”?
The best way to do housework is to sweep the room with a glance.
The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.
Why don’t you ever see the headline “Psychic Wins Lottery”?
Hard work pays off in the future, laziness pays off now.
Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?
Only in America… do we use the word ‘politics’ to describe the process so well: ‘Poli’ in Latin meaning ‘many’ and ‘tics’ meaning ‘bloodsucking creatures’
Can you sentence a homeless man to house arrest?
He had a photographic memory that was never developed.
Why is “abbreviated” such a long word?
A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
What was the best thing before sliced bread?
Only in America… are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink.
Where are we going? And what’s with this hand basket?
If carrots are so good for the eyes, how come I see so many dead rabbits on the highway?
Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.
Why isn’t there mouse-flavored cat food?
All those who believe in psychokinesis, raise my hand.
Condoms should be used on every conceivable occasion.
Where do forest rangers go to “get away from it all?”
The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
Why are they called stairs inside but steps outside?
A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.
If croutons are stale bread, why do they come in airtight packages?
Why does mineral water that ‘has trickled through mountains for centuries’ have a ‘use by’ date?
A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.
Only in America… do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.
Is French kissing in France just called kissing?
Is there another word for synonym?
What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?
Does the Little Mermaid wear an algebra?
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