Why do they lock gas station bathrooms?? Are they afraid someone will clean them?
If you’re too open-minded; your brains will fall out.
Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.
Why isn’t there mouse-flavored cat food?
Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?
How do they get the deer to cross at that yellow road sign?
Acupuncture is a jab well done.
Marriage changes passion…suddenly you’re in bed with a relative.
A bicycle can’t stand on its own because it is two-tired.
Why is it called tourist season if we can’t shoot at them?
Does the Little Mermaid wear an algebra?
Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines?
The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.
Only in America… do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.
I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, “Where’s the self-help section?” She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
I married my wife for her looks…but not the ones she’s been giving me lately!
If carrots are so good for the eyes, how come I see so many dead rabbits on the highway?
The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.
What if there were no hypothetical questions?
Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?
If a deaf person swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?
Sign In Chinese Pet Store: “Buy one dog, get one flea…”
Why does mineral water that ‘has trickled through mountains for centuries’ have a ‘use by’ date?
I intend to live forever – so far, so good.
Don’t sweat the petty things and don’t pet the sweaty things.
Why don’t you ever see the headline “Psychic Wins Lottery”?
Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.
He often broke into song because he couldn’t find the key.
Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
Hard work pays off in the future, laziness pays off now.
Two peanuts walked into a bar. One was a salted.
Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
She had a boyfriend with a wooden leg, but broke it off.
If you mated a bulldog and a shitsu, would it be called a bulls**t?
If you want the rainbow, you gotta put up with the rain.
What do people in China call their good plates?
Condoms should be used on every conceivable occasion.
When everything is coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane.
Why didn’t Noah swat those two mosquitoes?
A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
Where do forest rangers go to “get away from it all?”
If a parsley farmer is sued, do they garnish his wages?
I used to work in a blanket factory, but it folded.
If croutons are stale bread, why do they come in airtight packages?
Only in America… are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink.
Reading whilst sunbathing makes you well-red.
When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds.
Why don’t sheep shrink when it rains?
Those who jump off a Paris bridge are in Seine.
If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?
Why can’t women put mascara on with their mouth closed?
Definition of a will? – a dead giveaway
The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
Can you sentence a homeless man to house arrest?
Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
Only in America… do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.
99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
OK, so what’s the speed of dark?
When an actress saw her first strands of gray hair she thought she’d dye.
I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.
Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft and I’ll show you A-flat minor.
Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?
Marathon runners with bad footwear suffer the agony of defeat.
Why is it that doctors call what they do “practice”?
Why are they called “stands” when they are made for sitting?
Sea captains don’t like crew cuts.
Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?
Why is it called Alcoholics Anonymous when the first thing you do is stand up and say, ‘My name is Bob, and I am an alcoholic?’
Welcome To S**t Creek ~ Sorry, We’re Out of Paddles!
Once you’ve seen one shopping center you’ve seen a mall.
If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?
With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.
How come you can see the stars from the Earth, but you can’t see them when you’re in space?
A plateau is a high form of flattery.
Is there another word for synonym?
Is it true that cannibals don’t eat clowns because they taste funny.
Where are we going? And what’s with this hand basket?
Why is “abbreviated” such a long word?
Dancing cheek-to-cheek is really a form of floor play.
42.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.
If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest drown, too?
Only in America… do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won’t miss a call from someone we didn’t want to talk to in the first place.
What was the best thing before sliced bread?
Only in America… do we use the word ‘politics’ to describe the process so well: ‘Poli’ in Latin meaning ‘many’ and ‘tics’ meaning ‘bloodsucking creatures’
Santa’s helpers are subordinate clauses.
A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
Every calendar’s days are numbered.
Banning the bra was a big flop.
You feel stuck with your debt if you can’t budge it.
The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.
A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.
Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian, any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.
Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?
Local Area Network in Australia: the LAN down under.
Only in America… can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.
If you don’t pay your exorcist you get repossessed.
I got a sweater for Christmas…I wanted a screamer or a moaner.
Everyday I beat my own previous record for number of consecutive days I’ve stayed alive.
The best way to do housework is to sweep the room with a glance.
When you dream in color, is it a pigment of your imagination?
A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
Is French kissing in France just called kissing?
Why are hemorrhoids called “hemorrhoids” instead of “assteroids”?
In democracy it’s your vote that counts. In feudalism it’s your count that votes.
How do you tell when you’re out of invisible ink?
If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.
If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?
Why does the sun lighten our hair, but darkens our skin?
Only in America… do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.
What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?
If a man is standing in the middle of the forest speaking and there is no woman around to hear him… is he still wrong?
Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?
Would a fly without wings be called a walk?
Why are they called stairs inside but steps outside?
One nice thing about egotists: they don’t talk about other people.
A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.
If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?
Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.
Alarms: What an octopus is.
Isn’t it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do “practice”?
Borrow money from pessimists – they don’t expect it back.
If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?
A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.
Half the people you know are below average.
If a turtle doesn’t have a shell, is he homeless or naked?
He had a photographic memory that was never developed.
A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says: “A beer please, and one for the road.”
I am a nobody, and nobody is perfect; therefore I am perfect.
Why isn’t the whole airplane made out of the stuff the black box is made from?
Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.
Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?
Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?
Why does your gynecologist leave the room when you get undressed?
All those who believe in psychokinesis, raise my hand.
A backwards poet writes inverse.
I’d kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.
Only in America… do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.
Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?
How is it possible to have a civil war?
Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?
When dog food is new and improved tasting, who tests it?
Why is it that to stop Windows 98, you have to click on “Start”?
One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.
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