You feel stuck with your debt if you can’t budge it.
What if there were no hypothetical questions?
A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.
A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
Why don’t you ever see the headline “Psychic Wins Lottery”?
When you dream in color, is it a pigment of your imagination?
Don’t sweat the petty things and don’t pet the sweaty things.
If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?
Why does your gynecologist leave the room when you get undressed?
Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?
Two peanuts walked into a bar. One was a salted.
If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?
Marriage changes passion…suddenly you’re in bed with a relative.
The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.
If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.
Only in America… do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.
How is it possible to have a civil war?
One nice thing about egotists: they don’t talk about other people.
A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.
Why didn’t Noah swat those two mosquitoes?
Why isn’t there mouse-flavored cat food?
Dancing cheek-to-cheek is really a form of floor play.
A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
I’d kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.
All those who believe in psychokinesis, raise my hand.
He often broke into song because he couldn’t find the key.
Would a fly without wings be called a walk?
Why is it that doctors call what they do “practice”?
Why does mineral water that ‘has trickled through mountains for centuries’ have a ‘use by’ date?
Only in America… can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.
I used to work in a blanket factory, but it folded.
When an actress saw her first strands of gray hair she thought she’d dye.
99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
Why don’t sheep shrink when it rains?
Marathon runners with bad footwear suffer the agony of defeat.
Every calendar’s days are numbered.
Where are we going? And what’s with this hand basket?
OK, so what’s the speed of dark?
Borrow money from pessimists – they don’t expect it back.
Why do they lock gas station bathrooms?? Are they afraid someone will clean them?
One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.
Banning the bra was a big flop.
Hard work pays off in the future, laziness pays off now.
A backwards poet writes inverse.
Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?
Why are they called “stands” when they are made for sitting?
Half the people you know are below average.
Those who jump off a Paris bridge are in Seine.
If a turtle doesn’t have a shell, is he homeless or naked?
Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.
The best way to do housework is to sweep the room with a glance.
I am a nobody, and nobody is perfect; therefore I am perfect.
In democracy it’s your vote that counts. In feudalism it’s your count that votes.
When dog food is new and improved tasting, who tests it?
She had a boyfriend with a wooden leg, but broke it off.
The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.
With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.
Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
I intend to live forever – so far, so good.
The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.
I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.
Why isn’t the whole airplane made out of the stuff the black box is made from?
Why is it called tourist season if we can’t shoot at them?
Santa’s helpers are subordinate clauses.
What was the best thing before sliced bread?
Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.
Where do forest rangers go to “get away from it all?”
Can you sentence a homeless man to house arrest?
Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds.
I married my wife for her looks…but not the ones she’s been giving me lately!
Everyday I beat my own previous record for number of consecutive days I’ve stayed alive.
Acupuncture is a jab well done.
He had a photographic memory that was never developed.
Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?
42.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.
Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines?
Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?
If carrots are so good for the eyes, how come I see so many dead rabbits on the highway?
When everything is coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane.
A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says: “A beer please, and one for the road.”
Only in America… do we use the word ‘politics’ to describe the process so well: ‘Poli’ in Latin meaning ‘many’ and ‘tics’ meaning ‘bloodsucking creatures’
A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.
Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?
Alarms: What an octopus is.
Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?
Welcome To S**t Creek ~ Sorry, We’re Out of Paddles!
If croutons are stale bread, why do they come in airtight packages?
What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?
If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?
Is French kissing in France just called kissing?
Is it true that cannibals don’t eat clowns because they taste funny.
Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
Once you’ve seen one shopping center you’ve seen a mall.
I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, “Where’s the self-help section?” She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
If you mated a bulldog and a shitsu, would it be called a bulls**t?
Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?
How do they get the deer to cross at that yellow road sign?
Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.
Condoms should be used on every conceivable occasion.
How come you can see the stars from the Earth, but you can’t see them when you’re in space?
Isn’t it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do “practice”?
A bicycle can’t stand on its own because it is two-tired.
Only in America… do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.
Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.
The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
Why does the sun lighten our hair, but darkens our skin?
If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest drown, too?
Is there another word for synonym?
Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
If you don’t pay your exorcist you get repossessed.
A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft and I’ll show you A-flat minor.
If a man is standing in the middle of the forest speaking and there is no woman around to hear him… is he still wrong?
Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?
If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?
What do people in China call their good plates?
If you want the rainbow, you gotta put up with the rain.
Why can’t women put mascara on with their mouth closed?
Why is it that to stop Windows 98, you have to click on “Start”?
Only in America… do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.
Sea captains don’t like crew cuts.
How do you tell when you’re out of invisible ink?
If a deaf person swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?
I got a sweater for Christmas…I wanted a screamer or a moaner.
Why are they called stairs inside but steps outside?
Sign In Chinese Pet Store: “Buy one dog, get one flea…”
If you’re too open-minded; your brains will fall out.
Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?
If a parsley farmer is sued, do they garnish his wages?
Local Area Network in Australia: the LAN down under.
Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian, any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.
Why is “abbreviated” such a long word?
A plateau is a high form of flattery.
Why is it called Alcoholics Anonymous when the first thing you do is stand up and say, ‘My name is Bob, and I am an alcoholic?’
Only in America… do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.
Only in America… are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink.
Why are hemorrhoids called “hemorrhoids” instead of “assteroids”?
Only in America… do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won’t miss a call from someone we didn’t want to talk to in the first place.
Does the Little Mermaid wear an algebra?
If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?
Definition of a will? – a dead giveaway
Reading whilst sunbathing makes you well-red.
Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?
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