Why are hemorrhoids called “hemorrhoids” instead of “assteroids”?
What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?
Why does mineral water that ‘has trickled through mountains for centuries’ have a ‘use by’ date?
Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
Acupuncture is a jab well done.
Isn’t it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do “practice”?
You feel stuck with your debt if you can’t budge it.
Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?
Dancing cheek-to-cheek is really a form of floor play.
When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds.
When everything is coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane.
If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest drown, too?
Why is it called Alcoholics Anonymous when the first thing you do is stand up and say, ‘My name is Bob, and I am an alcoholic?’
Only in America… do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.
Why is it called tourist season if we can’t shoot at them?
How is it possible to have a civil war?
Once you’ve seen one shopping center you’ve seen a mall.
Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?
Alarms: What an octopus is.
Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian, any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.
If carrots are so good for the eyes, how come I see so many dead rabbits on the highway?
Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?
How come you can see the stars from the Earth, but you can’t see them when you’re in space?
In democracy it’s your vote that counts. In feudalism it’s your count that votes.
The best way to do housework is to sweep the room with a glance.
If a man is standing in the middle of the forest speaking and there is no woman around to hear him… is he still wrong?
A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
Where are we going? And what’s with this hand basket?
Marriage changes passion…suddenly you’re in bed with a relative.
Why didn’t Noah swat those two mosquitoes?
If you want the rainbow, you gotta put up with the rain.
Those who jump off a Paris bridge are in Seine.
If a turtle doesn’t have a shell, is he homeless or naked?
Welcome To S**t Creek ~ Sorry, We’re Out of Paddles!
A backwards poet writes inverse.
Only in America… do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.
Why do they lock gas station bathrooms?? Are they afraid someone will clean them?
Would a fly without wings be called a walk?
Only in America… do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.
She had a boyfriend with a wooden leg, but broke it off.
Borrow money from pessimists – they don’t expect it back.
Condoms should be used on every conceivable occasion.
Why is “abbreviated” such a long word?
Everyday I beat my own previous record for number of consecutive days I’ve stayed alive.
What was the best thing before sliced bread?
When dog food is new and improved tasting, who tests it?
I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.
Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines?
Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.
Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?
If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?
Only in America… can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.
Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
Only in America… do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.
Why isn’t there mouse-flavored cat food?
The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.
Only in America… are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink.
If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?
Only in America… do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won’t miss a call from someone we didn’t want to talk to in the first place.
A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says: “A beer please, and one for the road.”
Don’t sweat the petty things and don’t pet the sweaty things.
I married my wife for her looks…but not the ones she’s been giving me lately!
Why does your gynecologist leave the room when you get undressed?
If a deaf person swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?
I’d kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.
Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?
Why are they called “stands” when they are made for sitting?
Is French kissing in France just called kissing?
I got a sweater for Christmas…I wanted a screamer or a moaner.
Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?
Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft and I’ll show you A-flat minor.
I used to work in a blanket factory, but it folded.
Why is it that to stop Windows 98, you have to click on “Start”?
He had a photographic memory that was never developed.
With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.
I intend to live forever – so far, so good.
Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.
99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
Is there another word for synonym?
Why isn’t the whole airplane made out of the stuff the black box is made from?
Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.
Why is it that doctors call what they do “practice”?
If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?
A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
If you’re too open-minded; your brains will fall out.
If you don’t pay your exorcist you get repossessed.
Why are they called stairs inside but steps outside?
How do they get the deer to cross at that yellow road sign?
Two peanuts walked into a bar. One was a salted.
The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.
The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.
I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, “Where’s the self-help section?” She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
All those who believe in psychokinesis, raise my hand.
If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?
Why don’t you ever see the headline “Psychic Wins Lottery”?
Half the people you know are below average.
Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?
A bicycle can’t stand on its own because it is two-tired.
Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?
One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.
Why does the sun lighten our hair, but darkens our skin?
Santa’s helpers are subordinate clauses.
A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.
If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.
He often broke into song because he couldn’t find the key.
What do people in China call their good plates?
Reading whilst sunbathing makes you well-red.
Marathon runners with bad footwear suffer the agony of defeat.
Sign In Chinese Pet Store: “Buy one dog, get one flea…”
Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
A plateau is a high form of flattery.
Hard work pays off in the future, laziness pays off now.
I am a nobody, and nobody is perfect; therefore I am perfect.
Is it true that cannibals don’t eat clowns because they taste funny.
Sea captains don’t like crew cuts.
OK, so what’s the speed of dark?
Every calendar’s days are numbered.
42.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.
If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?
Why don’t sheep shrink when it rains?
Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?
If croutons are stale bread, why do they come in airtight packages?
Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
If you mated a bulldog and a shitsu, would it be called a bulls**t?
When you dream in color, is it a pigment of your imagination?
When an actress saw her first strands of gray hair she thought she’d dye.
Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.
One nice thing about egotists: they don’t talk about other people.
Why can’t women put mascara on with their mouth closed?
A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.
What if there were no hypothetical questions?
A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
Definition of a will? – a dead giveaway
If a parsley farmer is sued, do they garnish his wages?
Local Area Network in Australia: the LAN down under.
How do you tell when you’re out of invisible ink?
Only in America… do we use the word ‘politics’ to describe the process so well: ‘Poli’ in Latin meaning ‘many’ and ‘tics’ meaning ‘bloodsucking creatures’
Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?
Banning the bra was a big flop.
A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.
Can you sentence a homeless man to house arrest?
Does the Little Mermaid wear an algebra?
Where do forest rangers go to “get away from it all?”
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