Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?
Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?
I used to work in a blanket factory, but it folded.
One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.
If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?
If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?
Don’t sweat the petty things and don’t pet the sweaty things.
How come you can see the stars from the Earth, but you can’t see them when you’re in space?
The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.
Local Area Network in Australia: the LAN down under.
Where are we going? And what’s with this hand basket?
42.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.
Once you’ve seen one shopping center you’ve seen a mall.
Acupuncture is a jab well done.
Only in America… do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.
When everything is coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane.
When you dream in color, is it a pigment of your imagination?
He had a photographic memory that was never developed.
Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.
Is there another word for synonym?
Why does mineral water that ‘has trickled through mountains for centuries’ have a ‘use by’ date?
Hard work pays off in the future, laziness pays off now.
Why didn’t Noah swat those two mosquitoes?
Only in America… do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.
Half the people you know are below average.
Those who jump off a Paris bridge are in Seine.
Alarms: What an octopus is.
Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.
A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.
Only in America… do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.
99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
He often broke into song because he couldn’t find the key.
If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.
Welcome To S**t Creek ~ Sorry, We’re Out of Paddles!
Is French kissing in France just called kissing?
The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.
All those who believe in psychokinesis, raise my hand.
If you don’t pay your exorcist you get repossessed.
Only in America… are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink.
Everyday I beat my own previous record for number of consecutive days I’ve stayed alive.
Can you sentence a homeless man to house arrest?
Why don’t you ever see the headline “Psychic Wins Lottery”?
Santa’s helpers are subordinate clauses.
A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.
I got a sweater for Christmas…I wanted a screamer or a moaner.
Does the Little Mermaid wear an algebra?
You feel stuck with your debt if you can’t budge it.
Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?
Every calendar’s days are numbered.
Sea captains don’t like crew cuts.
If you want the rainbow, you gotta put up with the rain.
A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.
What was the best thing before sliced bread?
How do you tell when you’re out of invisible ink?
I intend to live forever – so far, so good.
Why is it called tourist season if we can’t shoot at them?
OK, so what’s the speed of dark?
Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian, any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.
A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says: “A beer please, and one for the road.”
Why is it that to stop Windows 98, you have to click on “Start”?
Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.
Why is “abbreviated” such a long word?
Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds.
Why isn’t there mouse-flavored cat food?
Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?
What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?
Where do forest rangers go to “get away from it all?”
If a man is standing in the middle of the forest speaking and there is no woman around to hear him… is he still wrong?
If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?
Is it true that cannibals don’t eat clowns because they taste funny.
Banning the bra was a big flop.
Why are hemorrhoids called “hemorrhoids” instead of “assteroids”?
Why does your gynecologist leave the room when you get undressed?
If a turtle doesn’t have a shell, is he homeless or naked?
I married my wife for her looks…but not the ones she’s been giving me lately!
Why can’t women put mascara on with their mouth closed?
If croutons are stale bread, why do they come in airtight packages?
Isn’t it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do “practice”?
One nice thing about egotists: they don’t talk about other people.
How do they get the deer to cross at that yellow road sign?
Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines?
I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.
Reading whilst sunbathing makes you well-red.
Why does the sun lighten our hair, but darkens our skin?
Borrow money from pessimists – they don’t expect it back.
Why don’t sheep shrink when it rains?
How is it possible to have a civil war?
Definition of a will? – a dead giveaway
Why is it that doctors call what they do “practice”?
Why isn’t the whole airplane made out of the stuff the black box is made from?
Why are they called stairs inside but steps outside?
Only in America… can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.
Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
Why are they called “stands” when they are made for sitting?
If you mated a bulldog and a shitsu, would it be called a bulls**t?
Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.
Marriage changes passion…suddenly you’re in bed with a relative.
If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?
In democracy it’s your vote that counts. In feudalism it’s your count that votes.
When dog food is new and improved tasting, who tests it?
Marathon runners with bad footwear suffer the agony of defeat.
Dancing cheek-to-cheek is really a form of floor play.
The best way to do housework is to sweep the room with a glance.
The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
She had a boyfriend with a wooden leg, but broke it off.
Only in America… do we use the word ‘politics’ to describe the process so well: ‘Poli’ in Latin meaning ‘many’ and ‘tics’ meaning ‘bloodsucking creatures’
A plateau is a high form of flattery.
Only in America… do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.
Why do they lock gas station bathrooms?? Are they afraid someone will clean them?
The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.
A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
What do people in China call their good plates?
Only in America… do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won’t miss a call from someone we didn’t want to talk to in the first place.
Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?
If you’re too open-minded; your brains will fall out.
What if there were no hypothetical questions?
Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?
I’d kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.
If a deaf person swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?
Sign In Chinese Pet Store: “Buy one dog, get one flea…”
If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest drown, too?
Two peanuts walked into a bar. One was a salted.
A bicycle can’t stand on its own because it is two-tired.
Condoms should be used on every conceivable occasion.
Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?
A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?
I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, “Where’s the self-help section?” She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?
If a parsley farmer is sued, do they garnish his wages?
Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?
Would a fly without wings be called a walk?
Why is it called Alcoholics Anonymous when the first thing you do is stand up and say, ‘My name is Bob, and I am an alcoholic?’
A backwards poet writes inverse.
When an actress saw her first strands of gray hair she thought she’d dye.
Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?
Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.
If carrots are so good for the eyes, how come I see so many dead rabbits on the highway?
Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft and I’ll show you A-flat minor.
I am a nobody, and nobody is perfect; therefore I am perfect.
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