Why does your gynecologist leave the room when you get undressed?
Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?
I intend to live forever – so far, so good.
Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian, any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.
Dancing cheek-to-cheek is really a form of floor play.
Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?
Only in America… do we use the word ‘politics’ to describe the process so well: ‘Poli’ in Latin meaning ‘many’ and ‘tics’ meaning ‘bloodsucking creatures’
I’d kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.
Local Area Network in Australia: the LAN down under.
When an actress saw her first strands of gray hair she thought she’d dye.
She had a boyfriend with a wooden leg, but broke it off.
Why is it that doctors call what they do “practice”?
What was the best thing before sliced bread?
Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.
If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?
Marathon runners with bad footwear suffer the agony of defeat.
If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?
Two peanuts walked into a bar. One was a salted.
If croutons are stale bread, why do they come in airtight packages?
Santa’s helpers are subordinate clauses.
Why is “abbreviated” such a long word?
Sea captains don’t like crew cuts.
I used to work in a blanket factory, but it folded.
Is it true that cannibals don’t eat clowns because they taste funny.
Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?
He often broke into song because he couldn’t find the key.
Why isn’t there mouse-flavored cat food?
A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
Where are we going? And what’s with this hand basket?
The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.
Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?
Acupuncture is a jab well done.
How do they get the deer to cross at that yellow road sign?
Once you’ve seen one shopping center you’ve seen a mall.
I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, “Where’s the self-help section?” She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
Is French kissing in France just called kissing?
Why don’t you ever see the headline “Psychic Wins Lottery”?
How come you can see the stars from the Earth, but you can’t see them when you’re in space?
Why are they called stairs inside but steps outside?
Only in America… do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.
If a turtle doesn’t have a shell, is he homeless or naked?
Only in America… do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.
Only in America… are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink.
If you don’t pay your exorcist you get repossessed.
When dog food is new and improved tasting, who tests it?
A bicycle can’t stand on its own because it is two-tired.
If a parsley farmer is sued, do they garnish his wages?
If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?
If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.
The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.
One nice thing about egotists: they don’t talk about other people.
A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
Why can’t women put mascara on with their mouth closed?
How do you tell when you’re out of invisible ink?
Why isn’t the whole airplane made out of the stuff the black box is made from?
When you dream in color, is it a pigment of your imagination?
Why is it called Alcoholics Anonymous when the first thing you do is stand up and say, ‘My name is Bob, and I am an alcoholic?’
Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.
All those who believe in psychokinesis, raise my hand.
Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?
Banning the bra was a big flop.
Why is it that to stop Windows 98, you have to click on “Start”?
Why do they lock gas station bathrooms?? Are they afraid someone will clean them?
If a man is standing in the middle of the forest speaking and there is no woman around to hear him… is he still wrong?
I am a nobody, and nobody is perfect; therefore I am perfect.
Hard work pays off in the future, laziness pays off now.
I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.
Every calendar’s days are numbered.
Don’t sweat the petty things and don’t pet the sweaty things.
Does the Little Mermaid wear an algebra?
Where do forest rangers go to “get away from it all?”
Borrow money from pessimists – they don’t expect it back.
I married my wife for her looks…but not the ones she’s been giving me lately!
Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?
Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?
Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?
If you’re too open-minded; your brains will fall out.
A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.
When everything is coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane.
Why are they called “stands” when they are made for sitting?
Half the people you know are below average.
Reading whilst sunbathing makes you well-red.
Sign In Chinese Pet Store: “Buy one dog, get one flea…”
Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft and I’ll show you A-flat minor.
If you mated a bulldog and a shitsu, would it be called a bulls**t?
I got a sweater for Christmas…I wanted a screamer or a moaner.
99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
Only in America… do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won’t miss a call from someone we didn’t want to talk to in the first place.
Only in America… do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.
If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?
If carrots are so good for the eyes, how come I see so many dead rabbits on the highway?
Is there another word for synonym?
Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines?
Those who jump off a Paris bridge are in Seine.
Definition of a will? – a dead giveaway
Can you sentence a homeless man to house arrest?
When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds.
Would a fly without wings be called a walk?
If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?
Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?
One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.
He had a photographic memory that was never developed.
Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.
You feel stuck with your debt if you can’t budge it.
The best way to do housework is to sweep the room with a glance.
A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says: “A beer please, and one for the road.”
A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
Why didn’t Noah swat those two mosquitoes?
Marriage changes passion…suddenly you’re in bed with a relative.
A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.
A plateau is a high form of flattery.
Condoms should be used on every conceivable occasion.
How is it possible to have a civil war?
Isn’t it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do “practice”?
Why are hemorrhoids called “hemorrhoids” instead of “assteroids”?
Why don’t sheep shrink when it rains?
In democracy it’s your vote that counts. In feudalism it’s your count that votes.
Why does the sun lighten our hair, but darkens our skin?
Welcome To S**t Creek ~ Sorry, We’re Out of Paddles!
Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?
Why is it called tourist season if we can’t shoot at them?
Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
What if there were no hypothetical questions?
If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest drown, too?
Everyday I beat my own previous record for number of consecutive days I’ve stayed alive.
Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.
Only in America… can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.
Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.
If a deaf person swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?
A backwards poet writes inverse.
Alarms: What an octopus is.
A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.
Why does mineral water that ‘has trickled through mountains for centuries’ have a ‘use by’ date?
What do people in China call their good plates?
OK, so what’s the speed of dark?
If you want the rainbow, you gotta put up with the rain.
42.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.
The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.
What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?
The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
Only in America… do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.
Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
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