Half the people you know are below average.
If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest drown, too?
When you dream in color, is it a pigment of your imagination?
Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.
Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines?
Only in America… do we use the word ‘politics’ to describe the process so well: ‘Poli’ in Latin meaning ‘many’ and ‘tics’ meaning ‘bloodsucking creatures’
Why does your gynecologist leave the room when you get undressed?
A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.
What if there were no hypothetical questions?
Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?
Only in America… do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.
Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?
Is there another word for synonym?
In democracy it’s your vote that counts. In feudalism it’s your count that votes.
Would a fly without wings be called a walk?
Does the Little Mermaid wear an algebra?
Two peanuts walked into a bar. One was a salted.
Why is it called tourist season if we can’t shoot at them?
Why didn’t Noah swat those two mosquitoes?
How is it possible to have a civil war?
With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.
Why isn’t the whole airplane made out of the stuff the black box is made from?
Condoms should be used on every conceivable occasion.
Banning the bra was a big flop.
If a deaf person swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?
Marriage changes passion…suddenly you’re in bed with a relative.
Marathon runners with bad footwear suffer the agony of defeat.
Sign In Chinese Pet Store: “Buy one dog, get one flea…”
Is French kissing in France just called kissing?
If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.
Why don’t sheep shrink when it rains?
If you don’t pay your exorcist you get repossessed.
Why are they called stairs inside but steps outside?
Definition of a will? – a dead giveaway
When dog food is new and improved tasting, who tests it?
When an actress saw her first strands of gray hair she thought she’d dye.
Those who jump off a Paris bridge are in Seine.
If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?
Where do forest rangers go to “get away from it all?”
Acupuncture is a jab well done.
If you’re too open-minded; your brains will fall out.
Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?
Only in America… do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won’t miss a call from someone we didn’t want to talk to in the first place.
When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds.
Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.
Sea captains don’t like crew cuts.
Alarms: What an octopus is.
Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.
Only in America… can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.
He had a photographic memory that was never developed.
Once you’ve seen one shopping center you’ve seen a mall.
If a turtle doesn’t have a shell, is he homeless or naked?
Only in America… do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.
Why are they called “stands” when they are made for sitting?
Why does mineral water that ‘has trickled through mountains for centuries’ have a ‘use by’ date?
The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.
Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian, any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.
What was the best thing before sliced bread?
All those who believe in psychokinesis, raise my hand.
She had a boyfriend with a wooden leg, but broke it off.
Why is it that doctors call what they do “practice”?
One nice thing about egotists: they don’t talk about other people.
Why is it that to stop Windows 98, you have to click on “Start”?
I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.
Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?
Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?
Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?
Why does the sun lighten our hair, but darkens our skin?
Borrow money from pessimists – they don’t expect it back.
Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
Why do they lock gas station bathrooms?? Are they afraid someone will clean them?
I intend to live forever – so far, so good.
If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?
Can you sentence a homeless man to house arrest?
If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?
He often broke into song because he couldn’t find the key.
One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.
Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
If croutons are stale bread, why do they come in airtight packages?
A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
If carrots are so good for the eyes, how come I see so many dead rabbits on the highway?
You feel stuck with your debt if you can’t budge it.
I’d kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.
I got a sweater for Christmas…I wanted a screamer or a moaner.
A bicycle can’t stand on its own because it is two-tired.
Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?
Isn’t it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do “practice”?
Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?
Why are hemorrhoids called “hemorrhoids” instead of “assteroids”?
I am a nobody, and nobody is perfect; therefore I am perfect.
Why is it called Alcoholics Anonymous when the first thing you do is stand up and say, ‘My name is Bob, and I am an alcoholic?’
Why is “abbreviated” such a long word?
Where are we going? And what’s with this hand basket?
If you mated a bulldog and a shitsu, would it be called a bulls**t?
Everyday I beat my own previous record for number of consecutive days I’ve stayed alive.
The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.
Why don’t you ever see the headline “Psychic Wins Lottery”?
The best way to do housework is to sweep the room with a glance.
A plateau is a high form of flattery.
A backwards poet writes inverse.
OK, so what’s the speed of dark?
If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?
The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.
Why isn’t there mouse-flavored cat food?
Reading whilst sunbathing makes you well-red.
If a parsley farmer is sued, do they garnish his wages?
The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?
Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?
I married my wife for her looks…but not the ones she’s been giving me lately!
Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?
A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says: “A beer please, and one for the road.”
A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
Is it true that cannibals don’t eat clowns because they taste funny.
How do you tell when you’re out of invisible ink?
I used to work in a blanket factory, but it folded.
Hard work pays off in the future, laziness pays off now.
Santa’s helpers are subordinate clauses.
When everything is coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane.
Why can’t women put mascara on with their mouth closed?
What do people in China call their good plates?
How come you can see the stars from the Earth, but you can’t see them when you’re in space?
Welcome To S**t Creek ~ Sorry, We’re Out of Paddles!
Don’t sweat the petty things and don’t pet the sweaty things.
A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.
If you want the rainbow, you gotta put up with the rain.
42.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.
Only in America… are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink.
How do they get the deer to cross at that yellow road sign?
Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft and I’ll show you A-flat minor.
Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
Every calendar’s days are numbered.
If a man is standing in the middle of the forest speaking and there is no woman around to hear him… is he still wrong?
99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
Only in America… do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.
Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.
I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, “Where’s the self-help section?” She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
Dancing cheek-to-cheek is really a form of floor play.
A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.
Local Area Network in Australia: the LAN down under.
Only in America… do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.
Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?
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