Only in America… are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink.
If croutons are stale bread, why do they come in airtight packages?
Why are they called stairs inside but steps outside?
Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?
Once you’ve seen one shopping center you’ve seen a mall.
When everything is coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane.
The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
What if there were no hypothetical questions?
What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?
Why is it called tourist season if we can’t shoot at them?
Sea captains don’t like crew cuts.
Welcome To S**t Creek ~ Sorry, We’re Out of Paddles!
With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.
When you dream in color, is it a pigment of your imagination?
Why does your gynecologist leave the room when you get undressed?
Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?
Where do forest rangers go to “get away from it all?”
Only in America… do we use the word ‘politics’ to describe the process so well: ‘Poli’ in Latin meaning ‘many’ and ‘tics’ meaning ‘bloodsucking creatures’
A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says: “A beer please, and one for the road.”
Can you sentence a homeless man to house arrest?
If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?
Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?
Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
Why isn’t there mouse-flavored cat food?
A bicycle can’t stand on its own because it is two-tired.
Only in America… do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won’t miss a call from someone we didn’t want to talk to in the first place.
Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
She had a boyfriend with a wooden leg, but broke it off.
All those who believe in psychokinesis, raise my hand.
Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?
I married my wife for her looks…but not the ones she’s been giving me lately!
If you don’t pay your exorcist you get repossessed.
Everyday I beat my own previous record for number of consecutive days I’ve stayed alive.
A plateau is a high form of flattery.
Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?
Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.
The best way to do housework is to sweep the room with a glance.
Half the people you know are below average.
In democracy it’s your vote that counts. In feudalism it’s your count that votes.
Why don’t sheep shrink when it rains?
I intend to live forever – so far, so good.
He had a photographic memory that was never developed.
A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.
Don’t sweat the petty things and don’t pet the sweaty things.
He often broke into song because he couldn’t find the key.
Only in America… can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.
Two peanuts walked into a bar. One was a salted.
Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines?
If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?
Reading whilst sunbathing makes you well-red.
If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?
Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?
One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.
Is there another word for synonym?
Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
If you’re too open-minded; your brains will fall out.
Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?
Alarms: What an octopus is.
Marriage changes passion…suddenly you’re in bed with a relative.
Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?
You feel stuck with your debt if you can’t budge it.
I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.
Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft and I’ll show you A-flat minor.
Hard work pays off in the future, laziness pays off now.
Only in America… do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.
Is French kissing in France just called kissing?
Why don’t you ever see the headline “Psychic Wins Lottery”?
If a turtle doesn’t have a shell, is he homeless or naked?
The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.
What was the best thing before sliced bread?
When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds.
Isn’t it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do “practice”?
Definition of a will? – a dead giveaway
Why does the sun lighten our hair, but darkens our skin?
A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.
If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest drown, too?
Borrow money from pessimists – they don’t expect it back.
If you mated a bulldog and a shitsu, would it be called a bulls**t?
Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.
Where are we going? And what’s with this hand basket?
Only in America… do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.
I got a sweater for Christmas…I wanted a screamer or a moaner.
I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, “Where’s the self-help section?” She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.
Only in America… do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.
If a parsley farmer is sued, do they garnish his wages?
Why are they called “stands” when they are made for sitting?
Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.
A backwards poet writes inverse.
Local Area Network in Australia: the LAN down under.
How do you tell when you’re out of invisible ink?
When dog food is new and improved tasting, who tests it?
OK, so what’s the speed of dark?
If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?
Why isn’t the whole airplane made out of the stuff the black box is made from?
The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.
When an actress saw her first strands of gray hair she thought she’d dye.
A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
Dancing cheek-to-cheek is really a form of floor play.
How do they get the deer to cross at that yellow road sign?
Why is it that doctors call what they do “practice”?
Every calendar’s days are numbered.
42.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.
Marathon runners with bad footwear suffer the agony of defeat.
Why didn’t Noah swat those two mosquitoes?
If carrots are so good for the eyes, how come I see so many dead rabbits on the highway?
Why do they lock gas station bathrooms?? Are they afraid someone will clean them?
Why is it that to stop Windows 98, you have to click on “Start”?
Why are hemorrhoids called “hemorrhoids” instead of “assteroids”?
Does the Little Mermaid wear an algebra?
If a man is standing in the middle of the forest speaking and there is no woman around to hear him… is he still wrong?
Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian, any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.
99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
How is it possible to have a civil war?
Those who jump off a Paris bridge are in Seine.
Only in America… do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.
Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.
I am a nobody, and nobody is perfect; therefore I am perfect.
Santa’s helpers are subordinate clauses.
Sign In Chinese Pet Store: “Buy one dog, get one flea…”
Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?
If a deaf person swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?
Why does mineral water that ‘has trickled through mountains for centuries’ have a ‘use by’ date?
Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?
If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?
A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
Why can’t women put mascara on with their mouth closed?
Why is it called Alcoholics Anonymous when the first thing you do is stand up and say, ‘My name is Bob, and I am an alcoholic?’
A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.
Banning the bra was a big flop.
If you want the rainbow, you gotta put up with the rain.
Condoms should be used on every conceivable occasion.
One nice thing about egotists: they don’t talk about other people.
How come you can see the stars from the Earth, but you can’t see them when you’re in space?
Would a fly without wings be called a walk?
What do people in China call their good plates?
I used to work in a blanket factory, but it folded.
Is it true that cannibals don’t eat clowns because they taste funny.
A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.
Why is “abbreviated” such a long word?
I’d kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.
Acupuncture is a jab well done.
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