Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?
If a turtle doesn’t have a shell, is he homeless or naked?
Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?
Why is it called Alcoholics Anonymous when the first thing you do is stand up and say, ‘My name is Bob, and I am an alcoholic?’
If a parsley farmer is sued, do they garnish his wages?
Why don’t sheep shrink when it rains?
A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.
Only in America… can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.
I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.
Can you sentence a homeless man to house arrest?
He often broke into song because he couldn’t find the key.
Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?
She had a boyfriend with a wooden leg, but broke it off.
Acupuncture is a jab well done.
Isn’t it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do “practice”?
I got a sweater for Christmas…I wanted a screamer or a moaner.
How do you tell when you’re out of invisible ink?
He had a photographic memory that was never developed.
Once you’ve seen one shopping center you’ve seen a mall.
If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest drown, too?
If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?
Why is it that to stop Windows 98, you have to click on “Start”?
When everything is coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane.
Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.
OK, so what’s the speed of dark?
If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.
Where do forest rangers go to “get away from it all?”
Why are they called stairs inside but steps outside?
I married my wife for her looks…but not the ones she’s been giving me lately!
Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.
All those who believe in psychokinesis, raise my hand.
How is it possible to have a civil war?
The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
How do they get the deer to cross at that yellow road sign?
Every calendar’s days are numbered.
When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds.
Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.
If a man is standing in the middle of the forest speaking and there is no woman around to hear him… is he still wrong?
Why does the sun lighten our hair, but darkens our skin?
Santa’s helpers are subordinate clauses.
Everyday I beat my own previous record for number of consecutive days I’ve stayed alive.
A bicycle can’t stand on its own because it is two-tired.
A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
Why are hemorrhoids called “hemorrhoids” instead of “assteroids”?
You feel stuck with your debt if you can’t budge it.
Why is it called tourist season if we can’t shoot at them?
If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?
Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.
If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?
Definition of a will? – a dead giveaway
Why is it that doctors call what they do “practice”?
The best way to do housework is to sweep the room with a glance.
Hard work pays off in the future, laziness pays off now.
When dog food is new and improved tasting, who tests it?
If croutons are stale bread, why do they come in airtight packages?
Only in America… do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.
How come you can see the stars from the Earth, but you can’t see them when you’re in space?
Dancing cheek-to-cheek is really a form of floor play.
Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?
A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says: “A beer please, and one for the road.”
Condoms should be used on every conceivable occasion.
Why is “abbreviated” such a long word?
Why does mineral water that ‘has trickled through mountains for centuries’ have a ‘use by’ date?
Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?
Only in America… do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.
What do people in China call their good plates?
Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?
Reading whilst sunbathing makes you well-red.
I intend to live forever – so far, so good.
Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian, any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.
Marriage changes passion…suddenly you’re in bed with a relative.
Only in America… are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink.
I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, “Where’s the self-help section?” She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
Why don’t you ever see the headline “Psychic Wins Lottery”?
Why didn’t Noah swat those two mosquitoes?
The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.
Does the Little Mermaid wear an algebra?
I’d kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.
A backwards poet writes inverse.
If you mated a bulldog and a shitsu, would it be called a bulls**t?
Only in America… do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.
Banning the bra was a big flop.
A plateau is a high form of flattery.
With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.
If you want the rainbow, you gotta put up with the rain.
Marathon runners with bad footwear suffer the agony of defeat.
One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.
If a deaf person swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?
Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft and I’ll show you A-flat minor.
The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.
One nice thing about egotists: they don’t talk about other people.
Those who jump off a Paris bridge are in Seine.
Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.
If you don’t pay your exorcist you get repossessed.
If carrots are so good for the eyes, how come I see so many dead rabbits on the highway?
I used to work in a blanket factory, but it folded.
Welcome To S**t Creek ~ Sorry, We’re Out of Paddles!
Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.
A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?
Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines?
If you’re too open-minded; your brains will fall out.
Sign In Chinese Pet Store: “Buy one dog, get one flea…”
Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?
Why do they lock gas station bathrooms?? Are they afraid someone will clean them?
Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?
42.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.
Two peanuts walked into a bar. One was a salted.
What was the best thing before sliced bread?
Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
Half the people you know are below average.
Why isn’t the whole airplane made out of the stuff the black box is made from?
What if there were no hypothetical questions?
Only in America… do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.
Would a fly without wings be called a walk?
Only in America… do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won’t miss a call from someone we didn’t want to talk to in the first place.
Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
Borrow money from pessimists – they don’t expect it back.
Don’t sweat the petty things and don’t pet the sweaty things.
Is there another word for synonym?
A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.
What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?
When an actress saw her first strands of gray hair she thought she’d dye.
When you dream in color, is it a pigment of your imagination?
Only in America… do we use the word ‘politics’ to describe the process so well: ‘Poli’ in Latin meaning ‘many’ and ‘tics’ meaning ‘bloodsucking creatures’
Where are we going? And what’s with this hand basket?
Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?
If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?
Why isn’t there mouse-flavored cat food?
Is French kissing in France just called kissing?
Why does your gynecologist leave the room when you get undressed?
Why can’t women put mascara on with their mouth closed?
I am a nobody, and nobody is perfect; therefore I am perfect.
Sea captains don’t like crew cuts.
Local Area Network in Australia: the LAN down under.
99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?
Is it true that cannibals don’t eat clowns because they taste funny.
In democracy it’s your vote that counts. In feudalism it’s your count that votes.
Why are they called “stands” when they are made for sitting?
Alarms: What an octopus is.
Select what you want to see from the menu below.
Click on the foremost image to enlarge or to see more information.