If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.
Marathon runners with bad footwear suffer the agony of defeat.
If you’re too open-minded; your brains will fall out.
Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.
Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian, any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.
Why didn’t Noah swat those two mosquitoes?
When you dream in color, is it a pigment of your imagination?
Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.
Why are hemorrhoids called “hemorrhoids” instead of “assteroids”?
Everyday I beat my own previous record for number of consecutive days I’ve stayed alive.
One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.
A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.
Why don’t sheep shrink when it rains?
Is French kissing in France just called kissing?
Only in America… do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.
Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
Only in America… are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink.
If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?
What was the best thing before sliced bread?
Why are they called stairs inside but steps outside?
Why is it called tourist season if we can’t shoot at them?
Once you’ve seen one shopping center you’ve seen a mall.
In democracy it’s your vote that counts. In feudalism it’s your count that votes.
What if there were no hypothetical questions?
Is there another word for synonym?
Definition of a will? – a dead giveaway
Only in America… can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.
The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.
Why isn’t the whole airplane made out of the stuff the black box is made from?
A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.
Two peanuts walked into a bar. One was a salted.
Is it true that cannibals don’t eat clowns because they taste funny.
Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.
Where are we going? And what’s with this hand basket?
Why can’t women put mascara on with their mouth closed?
Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?
Only in America… do we use the word ‘politics’ to describe the process so well: ‘Poli’ in Latin meaning ‘many’ and ‘tics’ meaning ‘bloodsucking creatures’
Santa’s helpers are subordinate clauses.
If croutons are stale bread, why do they come in airtight packages?
Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?
If you want the rainbow, you gotta put up with the rain.
Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines?
Every calendar’s days are numbered.
Hard work pays off in the future, laziness pays off now.
He often broke into song because he couldn’t find the key.
I intend to live forever – so far, so good.
Welcome To S**t Creek ~ Sorry, We’re Out of Paddles!
A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says: “A beer please, and one for the road.”
99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
A bicycle can’t stand on its own because it is two-tired.
A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
If a parsley farmer is sued, do they garnish his wages?
I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.
Why is it that to stop Windows 98, you have to click on “Start”?
OK, so what’s the speed of dark?
42.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.
How come you can see the stars from the Earth, but you can’t see them when you’re in space?
The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
Does the Little Mermaid wear an algebra?
Dancing cheek-to-cheek is really a form of floor play.
I got a sweater for Christmas…I wanted a screamer or a moaner.
Local Area Network in Australia: the LAN down under.
She had a boyfriend with a wooden leg, but broke it off.
I am a nobody, and nobody is perfect; therefore I am perfect.
Only in America… do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won’t miss a call from someone we didn’t want to talk to in the first place.
Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?
Would a fly without wings be called a walk?
Isn’t it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do “practice”?
Borrow money from pessimists – they don’t expect it back.
Banning the bra was a big flop.
Sea captains don’t like crew cuts.
If carrots are so good for the eyes, how come I see so many dead rabbits on the highway?
I married my wife for her looks…but not the ones she’s been giving me lately!
Why isn’t there mouse-flavored cat food?
The best way to do housework is to sweep the room with a glance.
A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.
Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?
I’d kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.
Why is “abbreviated” such a long word?
When dog food is new and improved tasting, who tests it?
I used to work in a blanket factory, but it folded.
Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.
If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?
Sign In Chinese Pet Store: “Buy one dog, get one flea…”
If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?
What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?
Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?
If you don’t pay your exorcist you get repossessed.
A backwards poet writes inverse.
Why does the sun lighten our hair, but darkens our skin?
Only in America… do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.
Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?
Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?
How is it possible to have a civil war?
If a man is standing in the middle of the forest speaking and there is no woman around to hear him… is he still wrong?
Half the people you know are below average.
Only in America… do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.
When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds.
Why are they called “stands” when they are made for sitting?
Where do forest rangers go to “get away from it all?”
If a turtle doesn’t have a shell, is he homeless or naked?
Why do they lock gas station bathrooms?? Are they afraid someone will clean them?
I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, “Where’s the self-help section?” She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?
If a deaf person swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?
Only in America… do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.
How do you tell when you’re out of invisible ink?
If you mated a bulldog and a shitsu, would it be called a bulls**t?
What do people in China call their good plates?
Why does your gynecologist leave the room when you get undressed?
Why is it that doctors call what they do “practice”?
If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest drown, too?
He had a photographic memory that was never developed.
You feel stuck with your debt if you can’t budge it.
Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?
Why don’t you ever see the headline “Psychic Wins Lottery”?
Those who jump off a Paris bridge are in Seine.
Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?
Why is it called Alcoholics Anonymous when the first thing you do is stand up and say, ‘My name is Bob, and I am an alcoholic?’
Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.
Alarms: What an octopus is.
Reading whilst sunbathing makes you well-red.
All those who believe in psychokinesis, raise my hand.
When everything is coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane.
One nice thing about egotists: they don’t talk about other people.
Can you sentence a homeless man to house arrest?
If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?
Marriage changes passion…suddenly you’re in bed with a relative.
Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?
When an actress saw her first strands of gray hair she thought she’d dye.
A plateau is a high form of flattery.
Acupuncture is a jab well done.
Why does mineral water that ‘has trickled through mountains for centuries’ have a ‘use by’ date?
With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.
How do they get the deer to cross at that yellow road sign?
Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft and I’ll show you A-flat minor.
Don’t sweat the petty things and don’t pet the sweaty things.
A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
Condoms should be used on every conceivable occasion.
The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.
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