Why don’t you ever see the headline “Psychic Wins Lottery”?
Where do forest rangers go to “get away from it all?”
If croutons are stale bread, why do they come in airtight packages?
Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?
A bicycle can’t stand on its own because it is two-tired.
A plateau is a high form of flattery.
Can you sentence a homeless man to house arrest?
Acupuncture is a jab well done.
If a turtle doesn’t have a shell, is he homeless or naked?
The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.
Only in America… do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.
If carrots are so good for the eyes, how come I see so many dead rabbits on the highway?
Is French kissing in France just called kissing?
Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?
Why don’t sheep shrink when it rains?
When you dream in color, is it a pigment of your imagination?
If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?
Borrow money from pessimists – they don’t expect it back.
Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
Sign In Chinese Pet Store: “Buy one dog, get one flea…”
Marathon runners with bad footwear suffer the agony of defeat.
I intend to live forever – so far, so good.
If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?
Where are we going? And what’s with this hand basket?
Why didn’t Noah swat those two mosquitoes?
A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.
All those who believe in psychokinesis, raise my hand.
Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines?
Alarms: What an octopus is.
Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
I am a nobody, and nobody is perfect; therefore I am perfect.
Why is it called Alcoholics Anonymous when the first thing you do is stand up and say, ‘My name is Bob, and I am an alcoholic?’
Condoms should be used on every conceivable occasion.
Why are hemorrhoids called “hemorrhoids” instead of “assteroids”?
The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.
Only in America… do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.
Only in America… are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink.
What if there were no hypothetical questions?
If you mated a bulldog and a shitsu, would it be called a bulls**t?
Why does the sun lighten our hair, but darkens our skin?
Would a fly without wings be called a walk?
With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.
Banning the bra was a big flop.
42.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.
Marriage changes passion…suddenly you’re in bed with a relative.
What do people in China call their good plates?
Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.
Only in America… do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.
Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?
Why does your gynecologist leave the room when you get undressed?
Why isn’t there mouse-flavored cat food?
If you’re too open-minded; your brains will fall out.
Those who jump off a Paris bridge are in Seine.
99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
Does the Little Mermaid wear an algebra?
Is it true that cannibals don’t eat clowns because they taste funny.
Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft and I’ll show you A-flat minor.
Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?
Is there another word for synonym?
Why is it that to stop Windows 98, you have to click on “Start”?
If you want the rainbow, you gotta put up with the rain.
How come you can see the stars from the Earth, but you can’t see them when you’re in space?
A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
Isn’t it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do “practice”?
A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.
He often broke into song because he couldn’t find the key.
If a man is standing in the middle of the forest speaking and there is no woman around to hear him… is he still wrong?
Don’t sweat the petty things and don’t pet the sweaty things.
I used to work in a blanket factory, but it folded.
Two peanuts walked into a bar. One was a salted.
The best way to do housework is to sweep the room with a glance.
Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?
Hard work pays off in the future, laziness pays off now.
Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?
Everyday I beat my own previous record for number of consecutive days I’ve stayed alive.
I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.
Why are they called “stands” when they are made for sitting?
I got a sweater for Christmas…I wanted a screamer or a moaner.
Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?
One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.
Once you’ve seen one shopping center you’ve seen a mall.
If you don’t pay your exorcist you get repossessed.
Reading whilst sunbathing makes you well-red.
Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?
One nice thing about egotists: they don’t talk about other people.
The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
Why is it called tourist season if we can’t shoot at them?
She had a boyfriend with a wooden leg, but broke it off.
When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds.
Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian, any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.
Why are they called stairs inside but steps outside?
He had a photographic memory that was never developed.
How do they get the deer to cross at that yellow road sign?
A backwards poet writes inverse.
I’d kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.
Why is it that doctors call what they do “practice”?
Only in America… do we use the word ‘politics’ to describe the process so well: ‘Poli’ in Latin meaning ‘many’ and ‘tics’ meaning ‘bloodsucking creatures’
Why can’t women put mascara on with their mouth closed?
If a deaf person swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?
How is it possible to have a civil war?
Every calendar’s days are numbered.
When an actress saw her first strands of gray hair she thought she’d dye.
Half the people you know are below average.
OK, so what’s the speed of dark?
What was the best thing before sliced bread?
Why do they lock gas station bathrooms?? Are they afraid someone will clean them?
What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?
Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?
When dog food is new and improved tasting, who tests it?
If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?
In democracy it’s your vote that counts. In feudalism it’s your count that votes.
How do you tell when you’re out of invisible ink?
Sea captains don’t like crew cuts.
Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.
If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.
Only in America… do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.
Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.
Why does mineral water that ‘has trickled through mountains for centuries’ have a ‘use by’ date?
Welcome To S**t Creek ~ Sorry, We’re Out of Paddles!
I married my wife for her looks…but not the ones she’s been giving me lately!
If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?
Why is “abbreviated” such a long word?
Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.
Santa’s helpers are subordinate clauses.
Only in America… can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.
You feel stuck with your debt if you can’t budge it.
When everything is coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane.
Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?
If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest drown, too?
If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?
Definition of a will? – a dead giveaway
Dancing cheek-to-cheek is really a form of floor play.
Local Area Network in Australia: the LAN down under.
If a parsley farmer is sued, do they garnish his wages?
The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.
A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says: “A beer please, and one for the road.”
Why isn’t the whole airplane made out of the stuff the black box is made from?
Only in America… do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won’t miss a call from someone we didn’t want to talk to in the first place.
Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.
I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, “Where’s the self-help section?” She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
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