Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?
In democracy it’s your vote that counts. In feudalism it’s your count that votes.
Why do they lock gas station bathrooms?? Are they afraid someone will clean them?
Only in America… do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.
Only in America… do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.
Every calendar’s days are numbered.
Why can’t women put mascara on with their mouth closed?
A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.
Half the people you know are below average.
If a man is standing in the middle of the forest speaking and there is no woman around to hear him… is he still wrong?
I’d kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.
Why are they called “stands” when they are made for sitting?
Only in America… do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.
If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?
The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
How do they get the deer to cross at that yellow road sign?
Marathon runners with bad footwear suffer the agony of defeat.
Would a fly without wings be called a walk?
When everything is coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane.
Why don’t sheep shrink when it rains?
Can you sentence a homeless man to house arrest?
Only in America… do we use the word ‘politics’ to describe the process so well: ‘Poli’ in Latin meaning ‘many’ and ‘tics’ meaning ‘bloodsucking creatures’
The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.
Why does mineral water that ‘has trickled through mountains for centuries’ have a ‘use by’ date?
Why isn’t there mouse-flavored cat food?
Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?
If a deaf person swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?
One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.
You feel stuck with your debt if you can’t budge it.
Only in America… are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink.
Borrow money from pessimists – they don’t expect it back.
Two peanuts walked into a bar. One was a salted.
If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?
A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.
Definition of a will? – a dead giveaway
Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?
Dancing cheek-to-cheek is really a form of floor play.
Why is “abbreviated” such a long word?
Sign In Chinese Pet Store: “Buy one dog, get one flea…”
Is there another word for synonym?
A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
Isn’t it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do “practice”?
She had a boyfriend with a wooden leg, but broke it off.
Where are we going? And what’s with this hand basket?
If you want the rainbow, you gotta put up with the rain.
I used to work in a blanket factory, but it folded.
If croutons are stale bread, why do they come in airtight packages?
Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines?
With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.
He often broke into song because he couldn’t find the key.
Marriage changes passion…suddenly you’re in bed with a relative.
I married my wife for her looks…but not the ones she’s been giving me lately!
Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft and I’ll show you A-flat minor.
Those who jump off a Paris bridge are in Seine.
Only in America… can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.
Why don’t you ever see the headline “Psychic Wins Lottery”?
Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?
When an actress saw her first strands of gray hair she thought she’d dye.
Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?
Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?
Local Area Network in Australia: the LAN down under.
The best way to do housework is to sweep the room with a glance.
Why is it that doctors call what they do “practice”?
Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
Alarms: What an octopus is.
Acupuncture is a jab well done.
Sea captains don’t like crew cuts.
One nice thing about egotists: they don’t talk about other people.
Why are hemorrhoids called “hemorrhoids” instead of “assteroids”?
When you dream in color, is it a pigment of your imagination?
Why is it called Alcoholics Anonymous when the first thing you do is stand up and say, ‘My name is Bob, and I am an alcoholic?’
Everyday I beat my own previous record for number of consecutive days I’ve stayed alive.
What if there were no hypothetical questions?
Is it true that cannibals don’t eat clowns because they taste funny.
Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?
If you mated a bulldog and a shitsu, would it be called a bulls**t?
I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.
Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.
How is it possible to have a civil war?
A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
Santa’s helpers are subordinate clauses.
If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest drown, too?
Once you’ve seen one shopping center you’ve seen a mall.
What was the best thing before sliced bread?
If a turtle doesn’t have a shell, is he homeless or naked?
Why are they called stairs inside but steps outside?
Does the Little Mermaid wear an algebra?
I intend to live forever – so far, so good.
A plateau is a high form of flattery.
A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says: “A beer please, and one for the road.”
Why isn’t the whole airplane made out of the stuff the black box is made from?
42.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.
Only in America… do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won’t miss a call from someone we didn’t want to talk to in the first place.
He had a photographic memory that was never developed.
Why does the sun lighten our hair, but darkens our skin?
A backwards poet writes inverse.
I got a sweater for Christmas…I wanted a screamer or a moaner.
Why is it called tourist season if we can’t shoot at them?
Only in America… do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.
What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?
A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?
Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.
If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?
If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.
99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?
Why does your gynecologist leave the room when you get undressed?
Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?
Banning the bra was a big flop.
Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian, any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.
All those who believe in psychokinesis, raise my hand.
Don’t sweat the petty things and don’t pet the sweaty things.
Is French kissing in France just called kissing?
OK, so what’s the speed of dark?
When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds.
If a parsley farmer is sued, do they garnish his wages?
If you don’t pay your exorcist you get repossessed.
I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, “Where’s the self-help section?” She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.
If you’re too open-minded; your brains will fall out.
Why is it that to stop Windows 98, you have to click on “Start”?
What do people in China call their good plates?
Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
If carrots are so good for the eyes, how come I see so many dead rabbits on the highway?
When dog food is new and improved tasting, who tests it?
I am a nobody, and nobody is perfect; therefore I am perfect.
Why didn’t Noah swat those two mosquitoes?
Where do forest rangers go to “get away from it all?”
A bicycle can’t stand on its own because it is two-tired.
How come you can see the stars from the Earth, but you can’t see them when you’re in space?
The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.
Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.
A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.
How do you tell when you’re out of invisible ink?
Condoms should be used on every conceivable occasion.
Reading whilst sunbathing makes you well-red.
Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.
Welcome To S**t Creek ~ Sorry, We’re Out of Paddles!
Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?
Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?
Hard work pays off in the future, laziness pays off now.
Select what you want to see from the menu below.
Click on the foremost image to enlarge or to see more information.