With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.
Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?
Everyday I beat my own previous record for number of consecutive days I’ve stayed alive.
I used to work in a blanket factory, but it folded.
When an actress saw her first strands of gray hair she thought she’d dye.
The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.
How do they get the deer to cross at that yellow road sign?
I married my wife for her looks…but not the ones she’s been giving me lately!
Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft and I’ll show you A-flat minor.
Half the people you know are below average.
A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest drown, too?
I’d kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.
Why is “abbreviated” such a long word?
Why are they called stairs inside but steps outside?
He often broke into song because he couldn’t find the key.
I got a sweater for Christmas…I wanted a screamer or a moaner.
Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?
Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.
A bicycle can’t stand on its own because it is two-tired.
If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?
I intend to live forever – so far, so good.
Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.
Condoms should be used on every conceivable occasion.
Why do they lock gas station bathrooms?? Are they afraid someone will clean them?
If you want the rainbow, you gotta put up with the rain.
I am a nobody, and nobody is perfect; therefore I am perfect.
The best way to do housework is to sweep the room with a glance.
If carrots are so good for the eyes, how come I see so many dead rabbits on the highway?
When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds.
A plateau is a high form of flattery.
Why can’t women put mascara on with their mouth closed?
Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?
Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines?
If you don’t pay your exorcist you get repossessed.
A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
What was the best thing before sliced bread?
How do you tell when you’re out of invisible ink?
If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.
Only in America… do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won’t miss a call from someone we didn’t want to talk to in the first place.
A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?
I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.
How come you can see the stars from the Earth, but you can’t see them when you’re in space?
Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.
Two peanuts walked into a bar. One was a salted.
Is French kissing in France just called kissing?
Sign In Chinese Pet Store: “Buy one dog, get one flea…”
The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
Does the Little Mermaid wear an algebra?
Welcome To S**t Creek ~ Sorry, We’re Out of Paddles!
Once you’ve seen one shopping center you’ve seen a mall.
One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.
Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?
Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian, any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.
Marriage changes passion…suddenly you’re in bed with a relative.
Why are they called “stands” when they are made for sitting?
Why is it called tourist season if we can’t shoot at them?
Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?
You feel stuck with your debt if you can’t budge it.
Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?
The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.
If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?
Only in America… can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.
Is it true that cannibals don’t eat clowns because they taste funny.
Is there another word for synonym?
When you dream in color, is it a pigment of your imagination?
Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
He had a photographic memory that was never developed.
Only in America… do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.
Why don’t you ever see the headline “Psychic Wins Lottery”?
In democracy it’s your vote that counts. In feudalism it’s your count that votes.
Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
One nice thing about egotists: they don’t talk about other people.
I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, “Where’s the self-help section?” She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?
Where do forest rangers go to “get away from it all?”
Only in America… do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.
Would a fly without wings be called a walk?
Acupuncture is a jab well done.
Why is it that to stop Windows 98, you have to click on “Start”?
Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
Why isn’t there mouse-flavored cat food?
If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?
Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.
A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.
Why is it called Alcoholics Anonymous when the first thing you do is stand up and say, ‘My name is Bob, and I am an alcoholic?’
Hard work pays off in the future, laziness pays off now.
Why are hemorrhoids called “hemorrhoids” instead of “assteroids”?
Why does the sun lighten our hair, but darkens our skin?
What if there were no hypothetical questions?
Why is it that doctors call what they do “practice”?
Every calendar’s days are numbered.
Can you sentence a homeless man to house arrest?
If croutons are stale bread, why do they come in airtight packages?
How is it possible to have a civil war?
Why isn’t the whole airplane made out of the stuff the black box is made from?
Dancing cheek-to-cheek is really a form of floor play.
42.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.
What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?
Only in America… do we use the word ‘politics’ to describe the process so well: ‘Poli’ in Latin meaning ‘many’ and ‘tics’ meaning ‘bloodsucking creatures’
Definition of a will? – a dead giveaway
Why don’t sheep shrink when it rains?
Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?
Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?
Why does your gynecologist leave the room when you get undressed?
Alarms: What an octopus is.
All those who believe in psychokinesis, raise my hand.
Borrow money from pessimists – they don’t expect it back.
If a turtle doesn’t have a shell, is he homeless or naked?
Those who jump off a Paris bridge are in Seine.
Where are we going? And what’s with this hand basket?
If a parsley farmer is sued, do they garnish his wages?
Sea captains don’t like crew cuts.
If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?
When everything is coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane.
A backwards poet writes inverse.
When dog food is new and improved tasting, who tests it?
The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.
A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.
If a man is standing in the middle of the forest speaking and there is no woman around to hear him… is he still wrong?
What do people in China call their good plates?
Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
Only in America… are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink.
Why does mineral water that ‘has trickled through mountains for centuries’ have a ‘use by’ date?
OK, so what’s the speed of dark?
Local Area Network in Australia: the LAN down under.
Banning the bra was a big flop.
If you’re too open-minded; your brains will fall out.
A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says: “A beer please, and one for the road.”
Reading whilst sunbathing makes you well-red.
Why didn’t Noah swat those two mosquitoes?
She had a boyfriend with a wooden leg, but broke it off.
Santa’s helpers are subordinate clauses.
Only in America… do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.
Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?
If a deaf person swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?
Only in America… do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.
Don’t sweat the petty things and don’t pet the sweaty things.
If you mated a bulldog and a shitsu, would it be called a bulls**t?
Marathon runners with bad footwear suffer the agony of defeat.
A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.
Isn’t it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do “practice”?
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