With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.
Every calendar’s days are numbered.
I’d kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.
Why does your gynecologist leave the room when you get undressed?
Only in America… do we use the word ‘politics’ to describe the process so well: ‘Poli’ in Latin meaning ‘many’ and ‘tics’ meaning ‘bloodsucking creatures’
What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?
Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.
Welcome To S**t Creek ~ Sorry, We’re Out of Paddles!
Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?
Hard work pays off in the future, laziness pays off now.
The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.
He had a photographic memory that was never developed.
A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
Everyday I beat my own previous record for number of consecutive days I’ve stayed alive.
Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?
Why does the sun lighten our hair, but darkens our skin?
Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines?
Why don’t sheep shrink when it rains?
Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
Borrow money from pessimists – they don’t expect it back.
What if there were no hypothetical questions?
Reading whilst sunbathing makes you well-red.
Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?
One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.
A plateau is a high form of flattery.
If a deaf person swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?
Where do forest rangers go to “get away from it all?”
If a man is standing in the middle of the forest speaking and there is no woman around to hear him… is he still wrong?
If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?
A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.
If you want the rainbow, you gotta put up with the rain.
Why isn’t the whole airplane made out of the stuff the black box is made from?
Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft and I’ll show you A-flat minor.
Marriage changes passion…suddenly you’re in bed with a relative.
Sign In Chinese Pet Store: “Buy one dog, get one flea…”
99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
Can you sentence a homeless man to house arrest?
Why is it called Alcoholics Anonymous when the first thing you do is stand up and say, ‘My name is Bob, and I am an alcoholic?’
How is it possible to have a civil war?
Would a fly without wings be called a walk?
Alarms: What an octopus is.
In democracy it’s your vote that counts. In feudalism it’s your count that votes.
I used to work in a blanket factory, but it folded.
Only in America… do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.
If carrots are so good for the eyes, how come I see so many dead rabbits on the highway?
Why is “abbreviated” such a long word?
If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?
Why isn’t there mouse-flavored cat food?
Banning the bra was a big flop.
I married my wife for her looks…but not the ones she’s been giving me lately!
Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian, any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.
Don’t sweat the petty things and don’t pet the sweaty things.
Why do they lock gas station bathrooms?? Are they afraid someone will clean them?
Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.
Only in America… do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.
Once you’ve seen one shopping center you’ve seen a mall.
A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says: “A beer please, and one for the road.”
Those who jump off a Paris bridge are in Seine.
How do they get the deer to cross at that yellow road sign?
Only in America… do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.
If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.
A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.
A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
42.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.
If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?
Why are they called stairs inside but steps outside?
Why didn’t Noah swat those two mosquitoes?
If a turtle doesn’t have a shell, is he homeless or naked?
If you don’t pay your exorcist you get repossessed.
Only in America… are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink.
Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?
A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
If you’re too open-minded; your brains will fall out.
When everything is coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane.
Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?
Marathon runners with bad footwear suffer the agony of defeat.
Two peanuts walked into a bar. One was a salted.
If a parsley farmer is sued, do they garnish his wages?
The best way to do housework is to sweep the room with a glance.
Why are they called “stands” when they are made for sitting?
Why is it that doctors call what they do “practice”?
Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?
Why are hemorrhoids called “hemorrhoids” instead of “assteroids”?
He often broke into song because he couldn’t find the key.
Is French kissing in France just called kissing?
I intend to live forever – so far, so good.
Acupuncture is a jab well done.
Only in America… do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.
You feel stuck with your debt if you can’t budge it.
When dog food is new and improved tasting, who tests it?
A bicycle can’t stand on its own because it is two-tired.
A backwards poet writes inverse.
Is there another word for synonym?
When an actress saw her first strands of gray hair she thought she’d dye.
Half the people you know are below average.
Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?
I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.
Why is it that to stop Windows 98, you have to click on “Start”?
Sea captains don’t like crew cuts.
A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.
She had a boyfriend with a wooden leg, but broke it off.
Why is it called tourist season if we can’t shoot at them?
Dancing cheek-to-cheek is really a form of floor play.
I got a sweater for Christmas…I wanted a screamer or a moaner.
Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?
Only in America… do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won’t miss a call from someone we didn’t want to talk to in the first place.
The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
Why don’t you ever see the headline “Psychic Wins Lottery”?
I am a nobody, and nobody is perfect; therefore I am perfect.
Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
Local Area Network in Australia: the LAN down under.
Definition of a will? – a dead giveaway
How do you tell when you’re out of invisible ink?
Why does mineral water that ‘has trickled through mountains for centuries’ have a ‘use by’ date?
If you mated a bulldog and a shitsu, would it be called a bulls**t?
One nice thing about egotists: they don’t talk about other people.
All those who believe in psychokinesis, raise my hand.
Isn’t it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do “practice”?
When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds.
I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, “Where’s the self-help section?” She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.
Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.
Where are we going? And what’s with this hand basket?
Santa’s helpers are subordinate clauses.
Condoms should be used on every conceivable occasion.
What was the best thing before sliced bread?
Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?
Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
Does the Little Mermaid wear an algebra?
If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest drown, too?
What do people in China call their good plates?
How come you can see the stars from the Earth, but you can’t see them when you’re in space?
OK, so what’s the speed of dark?
Only in America… can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.
Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.
If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?
Is it true that cannibals don’t eat clowns because they taste funny.
If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?
If croutons are stale bread, why do they come in airtight packages?
The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.
Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?
When you dream in color, is it a pigment of your imagination?
Why can’t women put mascara on with their mouth closed?
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