How do they get the deer to cross at that yellow road sign?
Where do forest rangers go to “get away from it all?”
Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines?
Why are they called stairs inside but steps outside?
She had a boyfriend with a wooden leg, but broke it off.
How come you can see the stars from the Earth, but you can’t see them when you’re in space?
Why is it that to stop Windows 98, you have to click on “Start”?
With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.
Banning the bra was a big flop.
Is French kissing in France just called kissing?
OK, so what’s the speed of dark?
Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?
Marathon runners with bad footwear suffer the agony of defeat.
All those who believe in psychokinesis, raise my hand.
A backwards poet writes inverse.
Once you’ve seen one shopping center you’ve seen a mall.
Can you sentence a homeless man to house arrest?
The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.
I married my wife for her looks…but not the ones she’s been giving me lately!
Borrow money from pessimists – they don’t expect it back.
Sea captains don’t like crew cuts.
Santa’s helpers are subordinate clauses.
Does the Little Mermaid wear an algebra?
If you don’t pay your exorcist you get repossessed.
Reading whilst sunbathing makes you well-red.
A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.
Definition of a will? – a dead giveaway
Why isn’t there mouse-flavored cat food?
Why didn’t Noah swat those two mosquitoes?
Only in America… do we use the word ‘politics’ to describe the process so well: ‘Poli’ in Latin meaning ‘many’ and ‘tics’ meaning ‘bloodsucking creatures’
Hard work pays off in the future, laziness pays off now.
If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?
When an actress saw her first strands of gray hair she thought she’d dye.
A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?
Half the people you know are below average.
What if there were no hypothetical questions?
I am a nobody, and nobody is perfect; therefore I am perfect.
Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?
Marriage changes passion…suddenly you’re in bed with a relative.
If you’re too open-minded; your brains will fall out.
42.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.
One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.
Dancing cheek-to-cheek is really a form of floor play.
I got a sweater for Christmas…I wanted a screamer or a moaner.
Why are hemorrhoids called “hemorrhoids” instead of “assteroids”?
Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?
Don’t sweat the petty things and don’t pet the sweaty things.
Why is it that doctors call what they do “practice”?
What was the best thing before sliced bread?
If carrots are so good for the eyes, how come I see so many dead rabbits on the highway?
Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?
I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, “Where’s the self-help section?” She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.
Why is it called tourist season if we can’t shoot at them?
Only in America… do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.
If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?
Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.
Only in America… do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won’t miss a call from someone we didn’t want to talk to in the first place.
A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.
Why isn’t the whole airplane made out of the stuff the black box is made from?
Why does mineral water that ‘has trickled through mountains for centuries’ have a ‘use by’ date?
Is there another word for synonym?
Where are we going? And what’s with this hand basket?
Why is “abbreviated” such a long word?
A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says: “A beer please, and one for the road.”
Everyday I beat my own previous record for number of consecutive days I’ve stayed alive.
Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian, any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.
Why are they called “stands” when they are made for sitting?
Condoms should be used on every conceivable occasion.
The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.
Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?
A bicycle can’t stand on its own because it is two-tired.
When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds.
In democracy it’s your vote that counts. In feudalism it’s your count that votes.
Two peanuts walked into a bar. One was a salted.
If you mated a bulldog and a shitsu, would it be called a bulls**t?
Why don’t sheep shrink when it rains?
A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
Only in America… do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.
The best way to do housework is to sweep the room with a glance.
Would a fly without wings be called a walk?
A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest drown, too?
A plateau is a high form of flattery.
Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft and I’ll show you A-flat minor.
One nice thing about egotists: they don’t talk about other people.
When everything is coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane.
A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.
Why does the sun lighten our hair, but darkens our skin?
Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
Why does your gynecologist leave the room when you get undressed?
Those who jump off a Paris bridge are in Seine.
If a parsley farmer is sued, do they garnish his wages?
Why don’t you ever see the headline “Psychic Wins Lottery”?
Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.
Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?
Is it true that cannibals don’t eat clowns because they taste funny.
Every calendar’s days are numbered.
How do you tell when you’re out of invisible ink?
How is it possible to have a civil war?
Sign In Chinese Pet Store: “Buy one dog, get one flea…”
I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.
I used to work in a blanket factory, but it folded.
Why do they lock gas station bathrooms?? Are they afraid someone will clean them?
Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?
Only in America… do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.
Alarms: What an octopus is.
If a turtle doesn’t have a shell, is he homeless or naked?
I intend to live forever – so far, so good.
Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?
The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.
Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.
He had a photographic memory that was never developed.
Why is it called Alcoholics Anonymous when the first thing you do is stand up and say, ‘My name is Bob, and I am an alcoholic?’
Local Area Network in Australia: the LAN down under.
If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?
If a deaf person swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?
Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
If croutons are stale bread, why do they come in airtight packages?
When you dream in color, is it a pigment of your imagination?
99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
Only in America… are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink.
Welcome To S**t Creek ~ Sorry, We’re Out of Paddles!
Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?
If a man is standing in the middle of the forest speaking and there is no woman around to hear him… is he still wrong?
You feel stuck with your debt if you can’t budge it.
When dog food is new and improved tasting, who tests it?
I’d kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.
Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?
He often broke into song because he couldn’t find the key.
If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?
Only in America… can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.
If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.
Acupuncture is a jab well done.
Why can’t women put mascara on with their mouth closed?
What do people in China call their good plates?
Only in America… do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.
Isn’t it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do “practice”?
If you want the rainbow, you gotta put up with the rain.
The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?
Select what you want to see from the menu below.
Click on the foremost image to enlarge or to see more information.