Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines?
Why is “abbreviated” such a long word?
If a turtle doesn’t have a shell, is he homeless or naked?
Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.
Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.
A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.
Local Area Network in Australia: the LAN down under.
Why don’t sheep shrink when it rains?
He had a photographic memory that was never developed.
She had a boyfriend with a wooden leg, but broke it off.
Borrow money from pessimists – they don’t expect it back.
Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?
Only in America… can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.
Why are they called stairs inside but steps outside?
Why does the sun lighten our hair, but darkens our skin?
Only in America… do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.
I’d kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.
One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.
The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?
Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?
Is French kissing in France just called kissing?
If a man is standing in the middle of the forest speaking and there is no woman around to hear him… is he still wrong?
42.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.
I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.
Santa’s helpers are subordinate clauses.
Only in America… do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.
Reading whilst sunbathing makes you well-red.
Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft and I’ll show you A-flat minor.
Why does mineral water that ‘has trickled through mountains for centuries’ have a ‘use by’ date?
A bicycle can’t stand on its own because it is two-tired.
If croutons are stale bread, why do they come in airtight packages?
Marriage changes passion…suddenly you’re in bed with a relative.
I intend to live forever – so far, so good.
Why don’t you ever see the headline “Psychic Wins Lottery”?
A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.
A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says: “A beer please, and one for the road.”
What do people in China call their good plates?
Banning the bra was a big flop.
When you dream in color, is it a pigment of your imagination?
The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.
Does the Little Mermaid wear an algebra?
If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?
How is it possible to have a civil war?
Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?
Those who jump off a Paris bridge are in Seine.
Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?
If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?
A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
Why didn’t Noah swat those two mosquitoes?
Why isn’t the whole airplane made out of the stuff the black box is made from?
Why are hemorrhoids called “hemorrhoids” instead of “assteroids”?
Don’t sweat the petty things and don’t pet the sweaty things.
99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?
Only in America… do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.
A backwards poet writes inverse.
Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?
If you mated a bulldog and a shitsu, would it be called a bulls**t?
A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.
A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds.
If you want the rainbow, you gotta put up with the rain.
Sign In Chinese Pet Store: “Buy one dog, get one flea…”
The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.
Condoms should be used on every conceivable occasion.
Why is it called tourist season if we can’t shoot at them?
With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.
Only in America… do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.
Dancing cheek-to-cheek is really a form of floor play.
How come you can see the stars from the Earth, but you can’t see them when you’re in space?
How do they get the deer to cross at that yellow road sign?
If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?
Every calendar’s days are numbered.
Isn’t it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do “practice”?
All those who believe in psychokinesis, raise my hand.
Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian, any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.
What if there were no hypothetical questions?
Why is it that to stop Windows 98, you have to click on “Start”?
He often broke into song because he couldn’t find the key.
Where are we going? And what’s with this hand basket?
One nice thing about egotists: they don’t talk about other people.
If carrots are so good for the eyes, how come I see so many dead rabbits on the highway?
If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.
Once you’ve seen one shopping center you’ve seen a mall.
Is it true that cannibals don’t eat clowns because they taste funny.
When dog food is new and improved tasting, who tests it?
Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?
The best way to do housework is to sweep the room with a glance.
I got a sweater for Christmas…I wanted a screamer or a moaner.
I am a nobody, and nobody is perfect; therefore I am perfect.
If a deaf person swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?
A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
Only in America… do we use the word ‘politics’ to describe the process so well: ‘Poli’ in Latin meaning ‘many’ and ‘tics’ meaning ‘bloodsucking creatures’
I married my wife for her looks…but not the ones she’s been giving me lately!
What was the best thing before sliced bread?
Why isn’t there mouse-flavored cat food?
Why does your gynecologist leave the room when you get undressed?
If you’re too open-minded; your brains will fall out.
Why are they called “stands” when they are made for sitting?
How do you tell when you’re out of invisible ink?
Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.
If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?
Half the people you know are below average.
OK, so what’s the speed of dark?
Why is it called Alcoholics Anonymous when the first thing you do is stand up and say, ‘My name is Bob, and I am an alcoholic?’
When everything is coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane.
If a parsley farmer is sued, do they garnish his wages?
Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?
Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?
Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
Would a fly without wings be called a walk?
Acupuncture is a jab well done.
Two peanuts walked into a bar. One was a salted.
Why is it that doctors call what they do “practice”?
What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?
Hard work pays off in the future, laziness pays off now.
I used to work in a blanket factory, but it folded.
Can you sentence a homeless man to house arrest?
Alarms: What an octopus is.
Only in America… are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink.
You feel stuck with your debt if you can’t budge it.
Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
Where do forest rangers go to “get away from it all?”
A plateau is a high form of flattery.
When an actress saw her first strands of gray hair she thought she’d dye.
Why can’t women put mascara on with their mouth closed?
Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?
I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, “Where’s the self-help section?” She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
Sea captains don’t like crew cuts.
In democracy it’s your vote that counts. In feudalism it’s your count that votes.
Definition of a will? – a dead giveaway
Is there another word for synonym?
Only in America… do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won’t miss a call from someone we didn’t want to talk to in the first place.
The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.
Why do they lock gas station bathrooms?? Are they afraid someone will clean them?
Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.
Everyday I beat my own previous record for number of consecutive days I’ve stayed alive.
If you don’t pay your exorcist you get repossessed.
Marathon runners with bad footwear suffer the agony of defeat.
Welcome To S**t Creek ~ Sorry, We’re Out of Paddles!
If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest drown, too?
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