A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says: “A beer please, and one for the road.”
If a deaf person swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?
If you don’t pay your exorcist you get repossessed.
Acupuncture is a jab well done.
Why does your gynecologist leave the room when you get undressed?
A bicycle can’t stand on its own because it is two-tired.
If you’re too open-minded; your brains will fall out.
Why isn’t there mouse-flavored cat food?
Sea captains don’t like crew cuts.
How do you tell when you’re out of invisible ink?
Everyday I beat my own previous record for number of consecutive days I’ve stayed alive.
If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?
A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.
Can you sentence a homeless man to house arrest?
When an actress saw her first strands of gray hair she thought she’d dye.
A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
You feel stuck with your debt if you can’t budge it.
Why is it that doctors call what they do “practice”?
What if there were no hypothetical questions?
When everything is coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane.
When you dream in color, is it a pigment of your imagination?
With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.
Local Area Network in Australia: the LAN down under.
Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.
I intend to live forever – so far, so good.
Those who jump off a Paris bridge are in Seine.
Why are they called “stands” when they are made for sitting?
If you want the rainbow, you gotta put up with the rain.
I am a nobody, and nobody is perfect; therefore I am perfect.
Half the people you know are below average.
Condoms should be used on every conceivable occasion.
Isn’t it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do “practice”?
Why are they called stairs inside but steps outside?
Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.
How do they get the deer to cross at that yellow road sign?
Two peanuts walked into a bar. One was a salted.
Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?
If carrots are so good for the eyes, how come I see so many dead rabbits on the highway?
Only in America… do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.
42.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.
Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?
Does the Little Mermaid wear an algebra?
Why does the sun lighten our hair, but darkens our skin?
How is it possible to have a civil war?
The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.
Only in America… do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.
The best way to do housework is to sweep the room with a glance.
Definition of a will? – a dead giveaway
A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.
Why isn’t the whole airplane made out of the stuff the black box is made from?
If a turtle doesn’t have a shell, is he homeless or naked?
I got a sweater for Christmas…I wanted a screamer or a moaner.
Why don’t sheep shrink when it rains?
If croutons are stale bread, why do they come in airtight packages?
Would a fly without wings be called a walk?
Only in America… do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.
Reading whilst sunbathing makes you well-red.
A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
Once you’ve seen one shopping center you’ve seen a mall.
Only in America… can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.
What do people in China call their good plates?
Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
Why can’t women put mascara on with their mouth closed?
Why do they lock gas station bathrooms?? Are they afraid someone will clean them?
One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.
A backwards poet writes inverse.
Why is it called Alcoholics Anonymous when the first thing you do is stand up and say, ‘My name is Bob, and I am an alcoholic?’
If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.
Where do forest rangers go to “get away from it all?”
One nice thing about egotists: they don’t talk about other people.
The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.
If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?
If you mated a bulldog and a shitsu, would it be called a bulls**t?
The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
Is there another word for synonym?
The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.
Don’t sweat the petty things and don’t pet the sweaty things.
Why is it that to stop Windows 98, you have to click on “Start”?
Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
When dog food is new and improved tasting, who tests it?
OK, so what’s the speed of dark?
I’d kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.
Welcome To S**t Creek ~ Sorry, We’re Out of Paddles!
Is French kissing in France just called kissing?
Where are we going? And what’s with this hand basket?
If a parsley farmer is sued, do they garnish his wages?
A plateau is a high form of flattery.
Hard work pays off in the future, laziness pays off now.
I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.
Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?
Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft and I’ll show you A-flat minor.
Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian, any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.
Why is “abbreviated” such a long word?
Why didn’t Noah swat those two mosquitoes?
If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?
If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest drown, too?
Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.
Only in America… do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won’t miss a call from someone we didn’t want to talk to in the first place.
Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?
What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?
What was the best thing before sliced bread?
Only in America… do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.
Santa’s helpers are subordinate clauses.
Why are hemorrhoids called “hemorrhoids” instead of “assteroids”?
Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.
He had a photographic memory that was never developed.
If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?
Dancing cheek-to-cheek is really a form of floor play.
Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?
Every calendar’s days are numbered.
Only in America… are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink.
She had a boyfriend with a wooden leg, but broke it off.
Alarms: What an octopus is.
Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
Sign In Chinese Pet Store: “Buy one dog, get one flea…”
Borrow money from pessimists – they don’t expect it back.
All those who believe in psychokinesis, raise my hand.
In democracy it’s your vote that counts. In feudalism it’s your count that votes.
I married my wife for her looks…but not the ones she’s been giving me lately!
Marriage changes passion…suddenly you’re in bed with a relative.
Why don’t you ever see the headline “Psychic Wins Lottery”?
Is it true that cannibals don’t eat clowns because they taste funny.
Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?
I used to work in a blanket factory, but it folded.
A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.
If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?
Banning the bra was a big flop.
Only in America… do we use the word ‘politics’ to describe the process so well: ‘Poli’ in Latin meaning ‘many’ and ‘tics’ meaning ‘bloodsucking creatures’
99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds.
Marathon runners with bad footwear suffer the agony of defeat.
Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?
I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, “Where’s the self-help section?” She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
Why does mineral water that ‘has trickled through mountains for centuries’ have a ‘use by’ date?
If a man is standing in the middle of the forest speaking and there is no woman around to hear him… is he still wrong?
Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?
How come you can see the stars from the Earth, but you can’t see them when you’re in space?
He often broke into song because he couldn’t find the key.
Why is it called tourist season if we can’t shoot at them?
Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?
Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines?
Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?
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