Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?
Where do forest rangers go to “get away from it all?”
Why are they called “stands” when they are made for sitting?
How do you tell when you’re out of invisible ink?
A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.
What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?
Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?
Everyday I beat my own previous record for number of consecutive days I’ve stayed alive.
Only in America… do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won’t miss a call from someone we didn’t want to talk to in the first place.
If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?
Welcome To S**t Creek ~ Sorry, We’re Out of Paddles!
Why isn’t the whole airplane made out of the stuff the black box is made from?
Sea captains don’t like crew cuts.
Would a fly without wings be called a walk?
If you don’t pay your exorcist you get repossessed.
Does the Little Mermaid wear an algebra?
I married my wife for her looks…but not the ones she’s been giving me lately!
If a man is standing in the middle of the forest speaking and there is no woman around to hear him… is he still wrong?
If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest drown, too?
Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
Hard work pays off in the future, laziness pays off now.
Only in America… do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.
A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
Sign In Chinese Pet Store: “Buy one dog, get one flea…”
Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.
Don’t sweat the petty things and don’t pet the sweaty things.
If a turtle doesn’t have a shell, is he homeless or naked?
Those who jump off a Paris bridge are in Seine.
All those who believe in psychokinesis, raise my hand.
Marriage changes passion…suddenly you’re in bed with a relative.
Acupuncture is a jab well done.
A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says: “A beer please, and one for the road.”
If croutons are stale bread, why do they come in airtight packages?
A plateau is a high form of flattery.
He often broke into song because he couldn’t find the key.
If you mated a bulldog and a shitsu, would it be called a bulls**t?
If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?
One nice thing about egotists: they don’t talk about other people.
Why didn’t Noah swat those two mosquitoes?
Why is it called Alcoholics Anonymous when the first thing you do is stand up and say, ‘My name is Bob, and I am an alcoholic?’
Half the people you know are below average.
I used to work in a blanket factory, but it folded.
Local Area Network in Australia: the LAN down under.
She had a boyfriend with a wooden leg, but broke it off.
The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.
Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?
I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, “Where’s the self-help section?” She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
Where are we going? And what’s with this hand basket?
The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
Condoms should be used on every conceivable occasion.
Two peanuts walked into a bar. One was a salted.
If carrots are so good for the eyes, how come I see so many dead rabbits on the highway?
Why don’t sheep shrink when it rains?
Why are they called stairs inside but steps outside?
In democracy it’s your vote that counts. In feudalism it’s your count that votes.
If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?
When everything is coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane.
Why does mineral water that ‘has trickled through mountains for centuries’ have a ‘use by’ date?
Only in America… can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.
Every calendar’s days are numbered.
Can you sentence a homeless man to house arrest?
Why does your gynecologist leave the room when you get undressed?
99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
I am a nobody, and nobody is perfect; therefore I am perfect.
The best way to do housework is to sweep the room with a glance.
Alarms: What an octopus is.
Once you’ve seen one shopping center you’ve seen a mall.
Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines?
Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
When dog food is new and improved tasting, who tests it?
You feel stuck with your debt if you can’t budge it.
I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.
Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?
A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
Is French kissing in France just called kissing?
The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.
Why are hemorrhoids called “hemorrhoids” instead of “assteroids”?
Only in America… are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink.
A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.
What do people in China call their good plates?
What if there were no hypothetical questions?
Only in America… do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.
Why can’t women put mascara on with their mouth closed?
With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.
Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?
A backwards poet writes inverse.
Why isn’t there mouse-flavored cat food?
Is there another word for synonym?
Isn’t it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do “practice”?
If a parsley farmer is sued, do they garnish his wages?
Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?
A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.
OK, so what’s the speed of dark?
Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?
Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?
He had a photographic memory that was never developed.
Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian, any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.
Only in America… do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.
Is it true that cannibals don’t eat clowns because they taste funny.
Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.
Why don’t you ever see the headline “Psychic Wins Lottery”?
Why is “abbreviated” such a long word?
When you dream in color, is it a pigment of your imagination?
One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.
Only in America… do we use the word ‘politics’ to describe the process so well: ‘Poli’ in Latin meaning ‘many’ and ‘tics’ meaning ‘bloodsucking creatures’
Why is it that to stop Windows 98, you have to click on “Start”?
If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?
Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.
How come you can see the stars from the Earth, but you can’t see them when you’re in space?
If a deaf person swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?
Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft and I’ll show you A-flat minor.
Why is it that doctors call what they do “practice”?
How do they get the deer to cross at that yellow road sign?
Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.
I’d kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.
Why do they lock gas station bathrooms?? Are they afraid someone will clean them?
A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.
Santa’s helpers are subordinate clauses.
Why does the sun lighten our hair, but darkens our skin?
Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?
Banning the bra was a big flop.
When an actress saw her first strands of gray hair she thought she’d dye.
A bicycle can’t stand on its own because it is two-tired.
Reading whilst sunbathing makes you well-red.
Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?
What was the best thing before sliced bread?
When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds.
Borrow money from pessimists – they don’t expect it back.
If you want the rainbow, you gotta put up with the rain.
Definition of a will? – a dead giveaway
I got a sweater for Christmas…I wanted a screamer or a moaner.
42.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.
If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?
The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.
Marathon runners with bad footwear suffer the agony of defeat.
Why is it called tourist season if we can’t shoot at them?
Only in America… do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.
If you’re too open-minded; your brains will fall out.
Dancing cheek-to-cheek is really a form of floor play.
I intend to live forever – so far, so good.
How is it possible to have a civil war?
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