How come you can see the stars from the Earth, but you can’t see them when you’re in space?
Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.
What do people in China call their good plates?
Why are hemorrhoids called “hemorrhoids” instead of “assteroids”?
If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.
What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?
If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest drown, too?
Why isn’t there mouse-flavored cat food?
Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?
Why isn’t the whole airplane made out of the stuff the black box is made from?
Why does mineral water that ‘has trickled through mountains for centuries’ have a ‘use by’ date?
He often broke into song because he couldn’t find the key.
Alarms: What an octopus is.
Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.
Why are they called “stands” when they are made for sitting?
Sign In Chinese Pet Store: “Buy one dog, get one flea…”
Sea captains don’t like crew cuts.
Why don’t you ever see the headline “Psychic Wins Lottery”?
The best way to do housework is to sweep the room with a glance.
Don’t sweat the petty things and don’t pet the sweaty things.
If a turtle doesn’t have a shell, is he homeless or naked?
Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?
Marathon runners with bad footwear suffer the agony of defeat.
Acupuncture is a jab well done.
Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?
I’d kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.
Why does the sun lighten our hair, but darkens our skin?
Only in America… do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.
Where are we going? And what’s with this hand basket?
Why didn’t Noah swat those two mosquitoes?
Local Area Network in Australia: the LAN down under.
Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.
All those who believe in psychokinesis, raise my hand.
One nice thing about egotists: they don’t talk about other people.
What was the best thing before sliced bread?
Only in America… do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.
Is there another word for synonym?
Dancing cheek-to-cheek is really a form of floor play.
Santa’s helpers are subordinate clauses.
When dog food is new and improved tasting, who tests it?
99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?
Marriage changes passion…suddenly you’re in bed with a relative.
Definition of a will? – a dead giveaway
Banning the bra was a big flop.
I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.
Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
Only in America… do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won’t miss a call from someone we didn’t want to talk to in the first place.
If croutons are stale bread, why do they come in airtight packages?
If carrots are so good for the eyes, how come I see so many dead rabbits on the highway?
Reading whilst sunbathing makes you well-red.
Isn’t it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do “practice”?
Every calendar’s days are numbered.
A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.
A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.
Why is it called Alcoholics Anonymous when the first thing you do is stand up and say, ‘My name is Bob, and I am an alcoholic?’
Why is it that doctors call what they do “practice”?
Only in America… can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.
One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.
Why can’t women put mascara on with their mouth closed?
Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?
Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian, any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.
Is it true that cannibals don’t eat clowns because they taste funny.
Why are they called stairs inside but steps outside?
Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines?
Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?
Those who jump off a Paris bridge are in Seine.
If a parsley farmer is sued, do they garnish his wages?
Half the people you know are below average.
The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.
How is it possible to have a civil war?
If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?
The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.
If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?
A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.
Only in America… do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.
Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?
With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.
A backwards poet writes inverse.
Can you sentence a homeless man to house arrest?
Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?
If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?
I used to work in a blanket factory, but it folded.
Only in America… do we use the word ‘politics’ to describe the process so well: ‘Poli’ in Latin meaning ‘many’ and ‘tics’ meaning ‘bloodsucking creatures’
I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, “Where’s the self-help section?” She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
When you dream in color, is it a pigment of your imagination?
Only in America… are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink.
What if there were no hypothetical questions?
Is French kissing in France just called kissing?
Everyday I beat my own previous record for number of consecutive days I’ve stayed alive.
How do they get the deer to cross at that yellow road sign?
42.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.
If you don’t pay your exorcist you get repossessed.
Welcome To S**t Creek ~ Sorry, We’re Out of Paddles!
Where do forest rangers go to “get away from it all?”
If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?
Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?
Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft and I’ll show you A-flat minor.
Once you’ve seen one shopping center you’ve seen a mall.
When an actress saw her first strands of gray hair she thought she’d dye.
Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.
Borrow money from pessimists – they don’t expect it back.
Only in America… do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.
Why do they lock gas station bathrooms?? Are they afraid someone will clean them?
I intend to live forever – so far, so good.
He had a photographic memory that was never developed.
I married my wife for her looks…but not the ones she’s been giving me lately!
Hard work pays off in the future, laziness pays off now.
How do you tell when you’re out of invisible ink?
A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says: “A beer please, and one for the road.”
Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
If you’re too open-minded; your brains will fall out.
Why don’t sheep shrink when it rains?
Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?
If you want the rainbow, you gotta put up with the rain.
If a deaf person swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?
If you mated a bulldog and a shitsu, would it be called a bulls**t?
I got a sweater for Christmas…I wanted a screamer or a moaner.
When everything is coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane.
Why is “abbreviated” such a long word?
Does the Little Mermaid wear an algebra?
A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
If a man is standing in the middle of the forest speaking and there is no woman around to hear him… is he still wrong?
Condoms should be used on every conceivable occasion.
I am a nobody, and nobody is perfect; therefore I am perfect.
A plateau is a high form of flattery.
In democracy it’s your vote that counts. In feudalism it’s your count that votes.
The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.
Two peanuts walked into a bar. One was a salted.
She had a boyfriend with a wooden leg, but broke it off.
Why is it called tourist season if we can’t shoot at them?
OK, so what’s the speed of dark?
You feel stuck with your debt if you can’t budge it.
When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds.
If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?
Would a fly without wings be called a walk?
Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
Why is it that to stop Windows 98, you have to click on “Start”?
Why does your gynecologist leave the room when you get undressed?
A bicycle can’t stand on its own because it is two-tired.
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