Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
Would a fly without wings be called a walk?
I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, “Where’s the self-help section?” She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds.
If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.
Acupuncture is a jab well done.
A backwards poet writes inverse.
The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.
Local Area Network in Australia: the LAN down under.
Santa’s helpers are subordinate clauses.
Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.
Marriage changes passion…suddenly you’re in bed with a relative.
Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.
A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.
How do they get the deer to cross at that yellow road sign?
If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?
Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?
If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?
Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?
Alarms: What an octopus is.
Banning the bra was a big flop.
If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?
Once you’ve seen one shopping center you’ve seen a mall.
Is it true that cannibals don’t eat clowns because they taste funny.
Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?
Why didn’t Noah swat those two mosquitoes?
If you mated a bulldog and a shitsu, would it be called a bulls**t?
Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?
What if there were no hypothetical questions?
A plateau is a high form of flattery.
If you’re too open-minded; your brains will fall out.
A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
Everyday I beat my own previous record for number of consecutive days I’ve stayed alive.
Why do they lock gas station bathrooms?? Are they afraid someone will clean them?
42.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.
Where do forest rangers go to “get away from it all?”
Only in America… do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.
Only in America… do we use the word ‘politics’ to describe the process so well: ‘Poli’ in Latin meaning ‘many’ and ‘tics’ meaning ‘bloodsucking creatures’
Why are they called “stands” when they are made for sitting?
If carrots are so good for the eyes, how come I see so many dead rabbits on the highway?
He often broke into song because he couldn’t find the key.
A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.
One nice thing about egotists: they don’t talk about other people.
I intend to live forever – so far, so good.
When you dream in color, is it a pigment of your imagination?
Two peanuts walked into a bar. One was a salted.
99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?
If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?
All those who believe in psychokinesis, raise my hand.
Isn’t it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do “practice”?
A bicycle can’t stand on its own because it is two-tired.
Half the people you know are below average.
Why is it called Alcoholics Anonymous when the first thing you do is stand up and say, ‘My name is Bob, and I am an alcoholic?’
She had a boyfriend with a wooden leg, but broke it off.
How is it possible to have a civil war?
A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says: “A beer please, and one for the road.”
Why are hemorrhoids called “hemorrhoids” instead of “assteroids”?
Hard work pays off in the future, laziness pays off now.
Why don’t sheep shrink when it rains?
Definition of a will? – a dead giveaway
Can you sentence a homeless man to house arrest?
Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft and I’ll show you A-flat minor.
What was the best thing before sliced bread?
With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.
Why does the sun lighten our hair, but darkens our skin?
Marathon runners with bad footwear suffer the agony of defeat.
When dog food is new and improved tasting, who tests it?
Those who jump off a Paris bridge are in Seine.
Only in America… do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won’t miss a call from someone we didn’t want to talk to in the first place.
If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?
Condoms should be used on every conceivable occasion.
You feel stuck with your debt if you can’t budge it.
The best way to do housework is to sweep the room with a glance.
Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.
Is there another word for synonym?
Only in America… do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.
Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
Every calendar’s days are numbered.
I got a sweater for Christmas…I wanted a screamer or a moaner.
I’d kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.
If you want the rainbow, you gotta put up with the rain.
OK, so what’s the speed of dark?
If a man is standing in the middle of the forest speaking and there is no woman around to hear him… is he still wrong?
When an actress saw her first strands of gray hair she thought she’d dye.
Don’t sweat the petty things and don’t pet the sweaty things.
I am a nobody, and nobody is perfect; therefore I am perfect.
If croutons are stale bread, why do they come in airtight packages?
The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.
Why isn’t the whole airplane made out of the stuff the black box is made from?
If a parsley farmer is sued, do they garnish his wages?
I used to work in a blanket factory, but it folded.
Only in America… do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.
If a turtle doesn’t have a shell, is he homeless or naked?
Borrow money from pessimists – they don’t expect it back.
How come you can see the stars from the Earth, but you can’t see them when you’re in space?
Why does your gynecologist leave the room when you get undressed?
Welcome To S**t Creek ~ Sorry, We’re Out of Paddles!
Why does mineral water that ‘has trickled through mountains for centuries’ have a ‘use by’ date?
Why don’t you ever see the headline “Psychic Wins Lottery”?
Only in America… do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.
Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?
Only in America… are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink.
Why is it called tourist season if we can’t shoot at them?
If you don’t pay your exorcist you get repossessed.
He had a photographic memory that was never developed.
A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.
Reading whilst sunbathing makes you well-red.
What do people in China call their good plates?
The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.
Why isn’t there mouse-flavored cat food?
If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest drown, too?
Why can’t women put mascara on with their mouth closed?
Sea captains don’t like crew cuts.
A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian, any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.
Dancing cheek-to-cheek is really a form of floor play.
Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?
Why is “abbreviated” such a long word?
Why are they called stairs inside but steps outside?
Is French kissing in France just called kissing?
Does the Little Mermaid wear an algebra?
How do you tell when you’re out of invisible ink?
When everything is coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane.
What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?
Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?
Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?
Why is it that to stop Windows 98, you have to click on “Start”?
Why is it that doctors call what they do “practice”?
One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.
A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
Sign In Chinese Pet Store: “Buy one dog, get one flea…”
Only in America… can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.
Where are we going? And what’s with this hand basket?
Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.
Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?
In democracy it’s your vote that counts. In feudalism it’s your count that votes.
If a deaf person swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?
Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines?
I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.
I married my wife for her looks…but not the ones she’s been giving me lately!
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