Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?
The best way to do housework is to sweep the room with a glance.
If a deaf person swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?
What do people in China call their good plates?
When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds.
Why isn’t there mouse-flavored cat food?
Why is it that to stop Windows 98, you have to click on “Start”?
How do they get the deer to cross at that yellow road sign?
Isn’t it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do “practice”?
Why are they called stairs inside but steps outside?
Definition of a will? – a dead giveaway
Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?
Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
Alarms: What an octopus is.
When an actress saw her first strands of gray hair she thought she’d dye.
A plateau is a high form of flattery.
Only in America… are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink.
A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
Hard work pays off in the future, laziness pays off now.
Half the people you know are below average.
Santa’s helpers are subordinate clauses.
I got a sweater for Christmas…I wanted a screamer or a moaner.
If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest drown, too?
Why isn’t the whole airplane made out of the stuff the black box is made from?
One nice thing about egotists: they don’t talk about other people.
Why can’t women put mascara on with their mouth closed?
If a man is standing in the middle of the forest speaking and there is no woman around to hear him… is he still wrong?
Banning the bra was a big flop.
Don’t sweat the petty things and don’t pet the sweaty things.
A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.
Why don’t sheep shrink when it rains?
If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?
A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says: “A beer please, and one for the road.”
Would a fly without wings be called a walk?
Borrow money from pessimists – they don’t expect it back.
If croutons are stale bread, why do they come in airtight packages?
Those who jump off a Paris bridge are in Seine.
Dancing cheek-to-cheek is really a form of floor play.
Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?
A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.
If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?
Once you’ve seen one shopping center you’ve seen a mall.
I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, “Where’s the self-help section?” She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
She had a boyfriend with a wooden leg, but broke it off.
If you don’t pay your exorcist you get repossessed.
When you dream in color, is it a pigment of your imagination?
If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?
Marriage changes passion…suddenly you’re in bed with a relative.
Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?
99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
Why is it called Alcoholics Anonymous when the first thing you do is stand up and say, ‘My name is Bob, and I am an alcoholic?’
Only in America… can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.
How is it possible to have a civil war?
Sign In Chinese Pet Store: “Buy one dog, get one flea…”
If carrots are so good for the eyes, how come I see so many dead rabbits on the highway?
If a parsley farmer is sued, do they garnish his wages?
What if there were no hypothetical questions?
A backwards poet writes inverse.
Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?
What was the best thing before sliced bread?
The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.
Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft and I’ll show you A-flat minor.
Why are they called “stands” when they are made for sitting?
Where are we going? And what’s with this hand basket?
The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.
Why didn’t Noah swat those two mosquitoes?
Welcome To S**t Creek ~ Sorry, We’re Out of Paddles!
Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?
Only in America… do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.
Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?
I am a nobody, and nobody is perfect; therefore I am perfect.
Why don’t you ever see the headline “Psychic Wins Lottery”?
Is French kissing in France just called kissing?
A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines?
The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
I intend to live forever – so far, so good.
If you’re too open-minded; your brains will fall out.
Two peanuts walked into a bar. One was a salted.
Why does your gynecologist leave the room when you get undressed?
When dog food is new and improved tasting, who tests it?
Marathon runners with bad footwear suffer the agony of defeat.
A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.
If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?
Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?
He had a photographic memory that was never developed.
I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.
Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
Why does mineral water that ‘has trickled through mountains for centuries’ have a ‘use by’ date?
Only in America… do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.
You feel stuck with your debt if you can’t budge it.
Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?
I used to work in a blanket factory, but it folded.
Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.
Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
Only in America… do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.
If you want the rainbow, you gotta put up with the rain.
I’d kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.
Everyday I beat my own previous record for number of consecutive days I’ve stayed alive.
If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?
Does the Little Mermaid wear an algebra?
All those who believe in psychokinesis, raise my hand.
Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian, any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.
A bicycle can’t stand on its own because it is two-tired.
Only in America… do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won’t miss a call from someone we didn’t want to talk to in the first place.
If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.
Why is it called tourist season if we can’t shoot at them?
Every calendar’s days are numbered.
Why are hemorrhoids called “hemorrhoids” instead of “assteroids”?
What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?
Why do they lock gas station bathrooms?? Are they afraid someone will clean them?
How do you tell when you’re out of invisible ink?
OK, so what’s the speed of dark?
If you mated a bulldog and a shitsu, would it be called a bulls**t?
Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.
Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.
Is there another word for synonym?
Where do forest rangers go to “get away from it all?”
Sea captains don’t like crew cuts.
Is it true that cannibals don’t eat clowns because they taste funny.
In democracy it’s your vote that counts. In feudalism it’s your count that votes.
Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?
Local Area Network in Australia: the LAN down under.
Only in America… do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.
42.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.
Why is “abbreviated” such a long word?
Why is it that doctors call what they do “practice”?
With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.
If a turtle doesn’t have a shell, is he homeless or naked?
Condoms should be used on every conceivable occasion.
Can you sentence a homeless man to house arrest?
Acupuncture is a jab well done.
Only in America… do we use the word ‘politics’ to describe the process so well: ‘Poli’ in Latin meaning ‘many’ and ‘tics’ meaning ‘bloodsucking creatures’
He often broke into song because he couldn’t find the key.
How come you can see the stars from the Earth, but you can’t see them when you’re in space?
A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.
Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.
One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.
Reading whilst sunbathing makes you well-red.
I married my wife for her looks…but not the ones she’s been giving me lately!
Why does the sun lighten our hair, but darkens our skin?
When everything is coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane.
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