A bicycle can’t stand on its own because it is two-tired.
How do they get the deer to cross at that yellow road sign?
Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?
Where are we going? And what’s with this hand basket?
Is French kissing in France just called kissing?
A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft and I’ll show you A-flat minor.
Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.
If a parsley farmer is sued, do they garnish his wages?
A backwards poet writes inverse.
I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.
Definition of a will? – a dead giveaway
Is there another word for synonym?
If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?
Everyday I beat my own previous record for number of consecutive days I’ve stayed alive.
If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?
Why is “abbreviated” such a long word?
He had a photographic memory that was never developed.
When you dream in color, is it a pigment of your imagination?
The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.
I married my wife for her looks…but not the ones she’s been giving me lately!
If you want the rainbow, you gotta put up with the rain.
Does the Little Mermaid wear an algebra?
A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.
Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines?
Condoms should be used on every conceivable occasion.
What if there were no hypothetical questions?
A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
The best way to do housework is to sweep the room with a glance.
Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?
Only in America… do we use the word ‘politics’ to describe the process so well: ‘Poli’ in Latin meaning ‘many’ and ‘tics’ meaning ‘bloodsucking creatures’
Every calendar’s days are numbered.
Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.
The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
Is it true that cannibals don’t eat clowns because they taste funny.
How come you can see the stars from the Earth, but you can’t see them when you’re in space?
All those who believe in psychokinesis, raise my hand.
Santa’s helpers are subordinate clauses.
If carrots are so good for the eyes, how come I see so many dead rabbits on the highway?
A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says: “A beer please, and one for the road.”
Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?
Why is it called Alcoholics Anonymous when the first thing you do is stand up and say, ‘My name is Bob, and I am an alcoholic?’
I got a sweater for Christmas…I wanted a screamer or a moaner.
In democracy it’s your vote that counts. In feudalism it’s your count that votes.
I used to work in a blanket factory, but it folded.
Where do forest rangers go to “get away from it all?”
Why don’t sheep shrink when it rains?
Why isn’t there mouse-flavored cat food?
Only in America… can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.
Welcome To S**t Creek ~ Sorry, We’re Out of Paddles!
Marathon runners with bad footwear suffer the agony of defeat.
Alarms: What an octopus is.
I’d kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.
Local Area Network in Australia: the LAN down under.
Only in America… are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink.
42.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.
A plateau is a high form of flattery.
Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?
Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?
Borrow money from pessimists – they don’t expect it back.
Why does mineral water that ‘has trickled through mountains for centuries’ have a ‘use by’ date?
When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds.
What do people in China call their good plates?
Sign In Chinese Pet Store: “Buy one dog, get one flea…”
Why don’t you ever see the headline “Psychic Wins Lottery”?
He often broke into song because he couldn’t find the key.
Only in America… do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.
If a man is standing in the middle of the forest speaking and there is no woman around to hear him… is he still wrong?
Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
Once you’ve seen one shopping center you’ve seen a mall.
Half the people you know are below average.
Only in America… do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.
With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.
Why is it that doctors call what they do “practice”?
Only in America… do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.
If you don’t pay your exorcist you get repossessed.
Isn’t it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do “practice”?
Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.
Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?
If you’re too open-minded; your brains will fall out.
Why didn’t Noah swat those two mosquitoes?
A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.
If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?
Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.
What was the best thing before sliced bread?
Why is it that to stop Windows 98, you have to click on “Start”?
Why are they called “stands” when they are made for sitting?
Two peanuts walked into a bar. One was a salted.
Why can’t women put mascara on with their mouth closed?
OK, so what’s the speed of dark?
Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?
You feel stuck with your debt if you can’t budge it.
Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
Banning the bra was a big flop.
I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, “Where’s the self-help section?” She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
I intend to live forever – so far, so good.
I am a nobody, and nobody is perfect; therefore I am perfect.
If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest drown, too?
When everything is coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane.
Dancing cheek-to-cheek is really a form of floor play.
The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.
When an actress saw her first strands of gray hair she thought she’d dye.
Marriage changes passion…suddenly you’re in bed with a relative.
Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian, any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.
If croutons are stale bread, why do they come in airtight packages?
The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.
What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?
Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?
Hard work pays off in the future, laziness pays off now.
Those who jump off a Paris bridge are in Seine.
Only in America… do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.
Why is it called tourist season if we can’t shoot at them?
Why does the sun lighten our hair, but darkens our skin?
Acupuncture is a jab well done.
Sea captains don’t like crew cuts.
Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?
One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.
She had a boyfriend with a wooden leg, but broke it off.
Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?
Why does your gynecologist leave the room when you get undressed?
Why are hemorrhoids called “hemorrhoids” instead of “assteroids”?
Can you sentence a homeless man to house arrest?
Only in America… do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won’t miss a call from someone we didn’t want to talk to in the first place.
Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
Why are they called stairs inside but steps outside?
A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
Would a fly without wings be called a walk?
One nice thing about egotists: they don’t talk about other people.
Reading whilst sunbathing makes you well-red.
When dog food is new and improved tasting, who tests it?
If a deaf person swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?
Don’t sweat the petty things and don’t pet the sweaty things.
If you mated a bulldog and a shitsu, would it be called a bulls**t?
99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.
A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.
If a turtle doesn’t have a shell, is he homeless or naked?
How is it possible to have a civil war?
How do you tell when you’re out of invisible ink?
If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?
Why do they lock gas station bathrooms?? Are they afraid someone will clean them?
Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?
Why isn’t the whole airplane made out of the stuff the black box is made from?
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